dreamsafire
02-01-2012, 06:15 AM
WARNING: Please do not read if you are squeamish about bodily (mal)functions.
I had my anxiety tipping point at work last night. Earlier in the day I had gotten some upsetting news. Well, Of course who is the first person you call when in trouble? Mom. So, I called her and she had a stuffy head that nothing she had was fixing it so I went and stopped at the drug store and brought her some medicine and stopped at her house on my way to work. Told her what was going on. Of course she tells me not to worry, that it'll turn out alright. That was about 20 mins. or so before I head off for work just chatting with my Mom. Got to work. My job is pretty boring and my mind tends to wander. I've been crying at work months now, hoping no one notices when I do, if they question it its just some lame excuse like allergies and everything is fine and my runny head is not contagious. I cant stop it anymore. My mind automatically goes to these anxious thoughts at work. Last night it finally broke me. I got myself so worked up gave myself a headache, ate some ibuprophen on an empty stomach and well, with each breath I took the nasty feeling in my stomach just got worse and by this time I was all the way over the ledge...and..I'm very usually able to hold my cookies well enough to get to a bathroom in time but, I didn't make it. Ugh, disgusting, embarrassed, humiliated.
Ended up going home sick. My brain and my worries are literally making me lose my lunch. And I'm going to lose my job if I don't get this fixed. I don't even know if I should go into work today. I'm afraid of having too many absences.
Its been years since I've gotten any treatment...last stab at anything was around 23 I went to a therapist to try and quit smoking. But then she more wanted to talk about my childhood things that happened and I ended up quitting the therapy because she seemed like some sort of emotional pervert who wanted to see me in pain. (As opposed to a regular pervert, who doesn't care as long as you're naked.)
Previously I'd been diagnosed (as a teen) with social anxiety, OCD, and major depression. Took Prozac for a while, but took myself off because it was like, not being able to hear yourself think. I was just some weird automaton going through the motions.
Obviously I've been knocked down a peg or two since my know-it-all teen years. I need some kind of hope that there's a way to at least keep my anxiety down from tears and vomit to some sweating and shaking that would be ok for me. That's all I'm looking for: not a miracle, I just want to keep myself and most of my fluids together. But at this point I just want to shut it all out and go hide forever. Its never been this bad before; but I've never really had problems this serious either.
So, what I probably need is encouragement to finally go back to a therapist.
I had my anxiety tipping point at work last night. Earlier in the day I had gotten some upsetting news. Well, Of course who is the first person you call when in trouble? Mom. So, I called her and she had a stuffy head that nothing she had was fixing it so I went and stopped at the drug store and brought her some medicine and stopped at her house on my way to work. Told her what was going on. Of course she tells me not to worry, that it'll turn out alright. That was about 20 mins. or so before I head off for work just chatting with my Mom. Got to work. My job is pretty boring and my mind tends to wander. I've been crying at work months now, hoping no one notices when I do, if they question it its just some lame excuse like allergies and everything is fine and my runny head is not contagious. I cant stop it anymore. My mind automatically goes to these anxious thoughts at work. Last night it finally broke me. I got myself so worked up gave myself a headache, ate some ibuprophen on an empty stomach and well, with each breath I took the nasty feeling in my stomach just got worse and by this time I was all the way over the ledge...and..I'm very usually able to hold my cookies well enough to get to a bathroom in time but, I didn't make it. Ugh, disgusting, embarrassed, humiliated.
Ended up going home sick. My brain and my worries are literally making me lose my lunch. And I'm going to lose my job if I don't get this fixed. I don't even know if I should go into work today. I'm afraid of having too many absences.
Its been years since I've gotten any treatment...last stab at anything was around 23 I went to a therapist to try and quit smoking. But then she more wanted to talk about my childhood things that happened and I ended up quitting the therapy because she seemed like some sort of emotional pervert who wanted to see me in pain. (As opposed to a regular pervert, who doesn't care as long as you're naked.)
Previously I'd been diagnosed (as a teen) with social anxiety, OCD, and major depression. Took Prozac for a while, but took myself off because it was like, not being able to hear yourself think. I was just some weird automaton going through the motions.
Obviously I've been knocked down a peg or two since my know-it-all teen years. I need some kind of hope that there's a way to at least keep my anxiety down from tears and vomit to some sweating and shaking that would be ok for me. That's all I'm looking for: not a miracle, I just want to keep myself and most of my fluids together. But at this point I just want to shut it all out and go hide forever. Its never been this bad before; but I've never really had problems this serious either.
So, what I probably need is encouragement to finally go back to a therapist.