I am losing control

[Jeen]

I am 24 yrs old and have recently been diagnosed with anxiety disorder. Lately, I have been getting more panic attacks and am starting to feel really dark inside. My issue is that I am living with a family member who is a gambler, but he hides it from all of us. In the last three months he has taken close to 5 grand from me. I am not angry with him, I feel sad for him. I feel like he is going through his problems alone and I know what it is like to keep dark secrets. I know I am being an enabler for him, by giving him money, but I am a very passive aggressive person who cannot say no to people. I am not assertive enough to tell people how I really feel. His gambling secret has been haunting me lately, I dream about it constantly. Recently as well, I have been missing my parents a lot! They do not live in the same country as me, and because I have not had them in my life since I was 15, I am starting to blame a lot of things on them. I always think if I was living with my parents and not this family member who is a gambler, I wouldn't have to worry.(moving out on my own is not a option, as in my religion, we are to live with family until marriage). Recently I went to a dinner with my boyfriends coworkers. I drank way too much, and probably made a fool out of my boyfriend. I usually am a socially awkward person, so I thought a few drinks would help to ease my anxieties, a few drinks turned into too many. I know I embarrassed my boyfriend and I want to end the relationship because I don't think I am worth being loved. Lately I have been feeling this dark hole inside me, I keep wanting to run away from myself. I don't like myself at all, therefore I do not feel like others should or can like me. I feel like a nuisance. In my religion, we are not allowed to date, and I have been keeping secrets from my family about dating... They all think I am such a good girl, but I am not. I am in a place right now, where I think I am becoming depressed, I am ashamed of myself and don't want anyone to have to deal with me. I don't know who to turn to. Has anyone ever felt this way?

[stevie]

First of all, you are a person that is worth being loved. The fact that you care so much about this family member, is proof of that. Everybody is worth being loved. So you embarrassed your boyfriend- everyone embarrasses each other once in a while- this will be something you guys can laugh at in the future.
As for being depressed- go see someone. I was (and still sometimes find myself) in that place. It's horrible to go through it, you feel like there is nothing worth living for, and that you are a waste of space. Well, let me tell you- you are not. The important thing is to find a therapist you feel comfortable with (this may take a few tries- you can NOT be passive aggressive here), and let them help you find your way out of the hole. I consider myself so lucky that I was able to
There are also some small things you can do to relax. There are breathing and meditation techniques (posted somewhere here on this forum), chamomile tea, Dr. Bach's rescue remedy (homeopathic drops, can get them from any pharmacist/chemist), and just trying to develop an interest in something that won't trigger these feelings (I for instance, began watching hockey- I'm a 24-year old female bookworm, but hockey was one of the only things that really let me escape my reality for a little bit). Trying to find something that can distract you is important, you need to give your brain a rest.
I like to think of my anxiety as a heart monitor- it goe up and down. I've gotten better at controlling it, but it takes work. Trust me, it's worth it.
Best of luck!