Social anxiety kicking my butt

[moparcrazed360]

Hello everyone my name is Khalid and I'm a mechanical engineering student at UC-Denver. I've had anxiety problems for the past year or two and a multitude of circumstances in my life seem to have been making it worse. I grew up in the U.S. but was raised by very conservative Muslim parents and I consider myself very religious, but at the same time I have a burning desire to have fun and enjoy myself as much as possible. Recently I have been having issues finding a good group of friends; my friends from high school are pretty heavy into drinking and partying and since I don't drink I've lost interest in spending time with them (unless it's skiing or doing something productive). It's really tough though because I have a lot in common with them personality-wise and I still love them as close friends. Another big problem my anxiety has caused has been with women; I have never been in a relationship because previously I didn't know any women I liked personality-wise, and now my anxiety has reached the point where I can't properly socialize with women who I do like. I'm hoping that this forum and the people in it will give me some new insight on my problems and help me overcome my rampant anxiety. I inherited it from my mother's side of my family and honestly I get scared thinking that I might end up like my grandparents or aunts; they live very secluded lives with almost no social interaction or friends and have some strange perceptions of life because of that. Plus they all suffered from alcoholism at one point in their lives which is one big reason I don't drink. Anyway that's my story, I am in a very unique situation and I pray that I find effective ways to manage my anxiety before it messes up my life too much.

[moparcrazed360]

So I went to the doctor today and he asked me a bunch of questions, turns out I have severe anxiety and moderate-severe depression... He prescribed a generic equivalent of Zoloft and I'm going to sign up for therapy sessions. Anyone here have good luck with Zoloft? I took my first half of 100mg pill one earlier this evening and it seems to be working nicely, I feel noticeably more mellowed-out than usual.

[alankay]

Mop, yes zoloft was great for me for SA and anxiety in general. I'd stay on 50mg for a few weeks before going higher so your system has time to get used to it. But do whatever the doc recommends. It will take weeks to get the full effect so give them med a long and fair trial. 50mg is a base dose and might be enough or you may need to move slowly to 100mg(if that's what you doc recommends).
I had bad SA for a while but as you get older and wiser, things take a more proper perspective and you do learn better social skills. I had bad tremor and a racing heart with girls. I wanted so much to be attractive to them that it got the best of me. My doc then gave me a bete blocker which helped enormously. I still use it at work mostly but less than I did back in college. If you have no bodily symptoms(racing heart/shaking/tremor) forget the beta blocker.
And alcohol can make anxiety worse for anxious folk. Your pals will either have to respect and understand your position on alcohol or you need to find a better matched set of pals. Believe me there are lots of folks who take a pass on alcohol for various reasons. As a Friday night beer guy I can relate as some get really stupid when drinking instead of just chilling out and relaxing a bit as I think the intention of having a few libations and can see why it is easy to not want to be around it for various reasons.
So, (1) give zoloft a long a fair trial. These meds take time to work and if you get side effects they almost always go away in time. (2)Limit caffeine and get some aerobic exercise(great anxiety/stress buster). (3) Ask about a beta blocker for bodily symptoms but disregard if they are not a problem for you. (4). Understand you are over self conscious and need to believe that no one has you under a microscope like you do to yourself. We with SA think folks are judging us more harshly than we think and getting that out front and understood in our own minds help. In college soooo much is going on in everyone's life no one has time or desire to judge you or scrutinize you as much as you may think/fear. (5) Work with your doc, not against him. I can't tell you how many folks don't get immediate results and say "docs are useless with anxiety". Not everyone responds to a given therapy, etc, so other things may need to be tried. Work with them, talk to them and tell them all. Don't try to tell them how you want to be treated medically. It doesn't work that way. (6) Absolutely go to therapy sessions and check to see if the college has any services covered by tuition, etc, and use them! PM me any time. Alankay.

[dreamsafire]

Hi. I'm new here too, but I thought I'd say Hi to some other new members so I'm not just jumping in with "MY PROBLEM FIRST."

But you sound like a very intelligent guy so I stopped here. :) Can I say, as a lady who dated a mechanical engineering student for a while, that there are ladies out there who are wildly interested in smart guys! More ladies than you know! But we are human ladies with our own vulnerabilities as well, so its alright if you have some too.

Don't let the drinking culture of college get you down, yeah, most students do it but the pressure to drink will probably greatly recede outside of college. Doesn't mean you have to dismiss your friends who drink, but maybe just consider it the natural ebb and flow of the relationship if your friendships move apart due to different interests.

Now, I can probably guess that you either already have or are going to have quite a bit of work on your hands with your degree, so not a lot of free time. I know you are in Denver so I don't know skiing is probably just an everyday thing but have you considered taking up a new sport or maybe joining some sort of random ski club? I find disc golf is a good sport to pick up and play, and its a pretty social sport, lots of opportunities to talk, or just quietly enjoy the outdoors which is part of what I like about it too. And if nobody wants to go you can even play it alone, but definitely more fun with partner(s) who can help you look for your disc when you lose it or vouch if you make some sort of amazing shot.

Sorry I can't advise you on the medication side of things, I am not very qualified for that.

Its alright if you're a bit nervous around women. Just don't let it put you off! You're going to have to do it some time or another and since you're at school you will never again have such a high concentration of women your own age, so you have room to experiment quite a bit. And I'm not saying go out and be Don Juan, just spend time getting to know some women, and you'll see we're not that scary. We can even be good friends. :)

So yeah, it will be a bit awkward at first, but just think of it as learning how to do anything else new. It takes practice.

[moparcrazed360]

Thanks a lot for the replies they are very helpful. So far I've been on 50 mg Zoloft for a week. I noticed a difference the first time I took it and I've only been feeling better as my system adjusts, thank God. The uncontrollable anxiety and bad thoughts have been reduced tremendously. It had really reached a boiling point before I went to the doctor, I felt like there was no way out which is why I came here. I don't regret it by any means though and it's great to hear from people who suffer the same problems.

alankay I may try that beta blocker, since I was a child I have had problems sitting still; I pick my thumbs, bite my nails, etc. and find myself shaking my leg oftentimes when I'm sitting in a chair. My heart does race in situations like you describe, not only around women but around new people in general and in big crowds and I get more 'restless' overall. My grandfather on my mom's side has anxiety and he has had shaking problems in his hands since I can remember, it SUCKS I hope I don't get like that! Big P.I.T.A. when it comes to eating soup LOL.

dreamsafire thanks for the encouragement, I have been keeping myself busy and find it easier to focus on school and hobbies. I'm extremely mechanically inclined and get a kick out of working on cars, I built my own engine for a classic muscle car which is soon to be running again after almost two years of downtime :D However once that's done I'm thinking of joining a martial arts club, my dad's family has a tradition of being involved in martial arts and I've recently been looking to get back into it after a long break since childhood. And speaking of disc-golf I've actually been into that since I was in high school, I own two discs. Great fun on a good course but my group of friends had to make up our own after the local one was shut down (too much smoking and litter lol). I haven't checked if there are any in Denver yet.

Regarding women I just have to find the right crowd, I've come to face the hard truth that my friends from high school aren't the greatest 'ladies' men' and the few girls I've met through them are way too crude for me. All the attractive, classy girls are in the majors I'm not; Biology, Chemistry, Psychology, etc. etc. it's pretty frustrating. Hopefully in time though, I have to learn to slow down and continue to be more patient as my inexperience is making me edgy and fatalistic.

Well there you go, sorry for the rant lol but I guess it's expected in a forum like this.

[dreamsafire]

Yeah, well, the best advice is always just to "be yourself." You can't really model your "picking up ladies" things after someone else anyways. But yeah I understand how it can be a little difficult to even get yourself along the path of more women. Its a common gripe of engineering males, I know. But yeah, being well-rounded and having a variety of stuff that you do will make you a more interesting person, but the best you can do is keep yourself open to the possibilities.

Certain areas of the country are really great for disc golf, I do wonder about other nice courses. I have 4 different courses to go to..well, more like 3 and 1/2. (One is a 9 hole course.)

I used to be incredibly shy myself...around everyone. But I've never had problems so much with big crowds like concerts or a crowded shopping mall. Most people are just thinking about their own stuff and trying to move along anyways. But where I had to talk to people I just froze up. I don't know, it just started with saying "Hi. How are you today?" to the gas station clerk and eventually they would remember me.
Another good trick to approaching people is focus on your own body language. Like have a good posture, head and chin up, shoulders back (yes puff your chest out too if you want), open hands (not making fists or gripping something too tightly or arms crossed or stuffed in your pockets), smile, turn your body directly towards the person you want to talk to, so you're sending out all these positive signals to the person subconsciously before you even start talking. You might have to modify that a bit but just put yourself in your "confident posture." Can't say you will gain success every time, don't try to over analyze a situation that doesn't go just right. Shrug it off because there's no way to know what was going on in their heads..they could be going over their own worries. Be forgiving of them & yourself.

[joolz5108]

Hey, I'm new to this forum too and found this thread hitting home. I too find it easier to focus on my school and hobbies and experience little to no anxiety. My anxiety stems from trying to hold conversations with people because I just don't know what to say, what I'm trying to accomplish, or how to relate to people.

Do you ever find that when your talking to somone you try to focus so much on looking like your enjoying the conversation that you start to feel fake? I might be sensitive, but somehow when I'm talking to someone I feel that its bad if I don't know what to say but it's even worse if I feel that the other person thinks I'm being fake. But really its like NOOO I want to keep talking to you but I'm just so stressed that I can't do it!! How do you try to take talking with people so lightly and not so serious? Thats what I need to learn