williamanag
01-19-2012, 07:26 AM
Hello everyone,
My name is Bill. I am new to the forum and I have decided to write to receive advice from people in for much needed help from people with experience.
My story may be a little unique compared to other anxiety sufferers here. I am 44 years of age, I am happily married with a 10 year old boy. Although I have generally been a little high strung, in the past I have never suffered from any kind of anxiety disorder and have generally been a very happy go lucky guy. While I have a stressful job, it is one that I enjoy and I have always seemed to handle stress at my job very well.
I developed a phobic syndrome that turned into generalized anxiety when I developed a hernia while doing too many crunches in my martial arts class in September. I have been exercising and doing martial since the age of 10 and it is a way of life for me. I have generally been in excellent health and look 10 years younger than my age. I was told that I needed to have surgery for my hernia and thought nothing of it when several surgeons told me it was routine. Upon researching the issue, however, I discovered that special meshes are used for most hernia surgery these days. I know several people that have had the surgery and are fine, including a close friend and my father. However, I also read several horror stories on the internet of people that had problems with mesh rejection. That is where my problems began. I became fixated with the issue of hernia surgery. I did nothing but read about the issue on the internet all day and night. I would not sleep at night and began pacing around worried sick about the surgery. I became convinced that I would never exercise again the way I wanted to or practice martial arts again. I stopped exercising completely even though it was something I did on a regular basis. I became terrified of the fact that I would suffer some sort of rejection from the mesh. I became convinced that when I had the surgery I would suffer mesh rejection and have debilitating health problems that would affect me, my wife and family. Even though I live overseas I planned to have the surgery with a surgeon in the US who does it without mesh. Then something bad happened. While carrying groceries up the stairs I slipped and also developed a hernia on my other side as well. This sort of made having a non - mesh surgery a non - option because with hernias on both sides the possibility of recurrence would be much higher. I became even more fixated and afraid of having the hernia surgery with mesh and convinced that it would fail.
At one point when I had a very high stress level at work, something happened which I call "crossing the threshold." It was the day my anxiety turned from extreme worry into a disorder, where I could not sleep, work or function well. Before that I was extremely worried but very functional. Following advice from my brother who is an expert in neuropsychology I sought the help of a psychiatrist. He put me on a benzo (Frizium) and an antidepressant (Lexapro). This was entirely uncharted territory for me because in the past I have never really taken any kind of medication and I am a health freak. So you can imagine me suddenly taking these kinds of things. I have rarely evem taken antibiotics during the last few years. I was told that the SSRIs did not have any serious side effects. The Frizium almost made me suicidal. I went to another psychiatrist who put me on a different benzo but had me continuing taking the Lexapro. This was six weeks ago. The Lexapro made me somewhat functional even giving me some good hours during the evenings. But it also gave me sideffects that I was not aware of including completing killing my libido. I have a beautiful, loving wife and that has made me extremely unhappy. I have learned to really hate the medication.
I then ended up finding a CBT specialist and psychologist who is totally anti -drugs. He suggested initially cutting back on the SSRI since he thought it was not working that well for me and was actually creating another phobic syndrome, the fear of the medication. He immediately got me exercising again by having me sign up at a pool to swim and told me to immediately stop reading things on the internet about medications and hernias. (I actually stopped reading about hernias but the meds are another story) He then said that once I got over my anxiety by changing my attitude and outlook that I should go and have the surgery which is the root cause of everything.
We initially cut back on my Lexapro (10mgs) to 5mgs over two weeks and I appeared to handle that pretty well although there were some spikes in my anxiety. However, I have continued taking my benzo (Ativan) at 0.5 mgs in the mornings to handle severe anxiety attacks. Upon his suggestion just three days ago we made a mutual decision to get off the Lexapro completely given that I feared the sideffects and the possible negative ramifications of even taking the stuff for a couple of months. The first two days I got off I did relatively ok, but yesterday I appeared to crash again and my severe anxiety symptoms returned. I have found it extremely hard to work and sleeping has become a luxury. I used to sleep so well in the past and now it has become a real nightmare.
I am currently in a catch 22 situation. I do not want to get back on SSRI's or visit another psychiatrist because he will simply throw a bag of pills at me. However, I don't know if I will be able to function without them. However, at the same time I really dread what they have done to my body even over a small period of six weeks in small doses. But I have to be functional and may be half a husband to my wife but must be able to function as a father for my son, who I have now neglected because of my condition.
I have now seen the light but I hope its not too late. If would have just gotten my surgery a couple of months ago and seen a CBT specialist instead of a psychiatrist I would now most likely would be fully recovered and happy with my loving family with no anxiety disorder. Instead I am a mess taking psych meds and the effects have been horrible on my family which cannot stand to see me in this condition. I went from this all together, happy, very confident guy to someone who is literally a mess. Guys I really want out of this situation. I want to get off the meds, have my surgery and get my life back. I just don't know if its possible. Sorry for the longwinded post, but any help, advice or encouragement you could provide would be highly appreciated.
Thank you.
My name is Bill. I am new to the forum and I have decided to write to receive advice from people in for much needed help from people with experience.
My story may be a little unique compared to other anxiety sufferers here. I am 44 years of age, I am happily married with a 10 year old boy. Although I have generally been a little high strung, in the past I have never suffered from any kind of anxiety disorder and have generally been a very happy go lucky guy. While I have a stressful job, it is one that I enjoy and I have always seemed to handle stress at my job very well.
I developed a phobic syndrome that turned into generalized anxiety when I developed a hernia while doing too many crunches in my martial arts class in September. I have been exercising and doing martial since the age of 10 and it is a way of life for me. I have generally been in excellent health and look 10 years younger than my age. I was told that I needed to have surgery for my hernia and thought nothing of it when several surgeons told me it was routine. Upon researching the issue, however, I discovered that special meshes are used for most hernia surgery these days. I know several people that have had the surgery and are fine, including a close friend and my father. However, I also read several horror stories on the internet of people that had problems with mesh rejection. That is where my problems began. I became fixated with the issue of hernia surgery. I did nothing but read about the issue on the internet all day and night. I would not sleep at night and began pacing around worried sick about the surgery. I became convinced that I would never exercise again the way I wanted to or practice martial arts again. I stopped exercising completely even though it was something I did on a regular basis. I became terrified of the fact that I would suffer some sort of rejection from the mesh. I became convinced that when I had the surgery I would suffer mesh rejection and have debilitating health problems that would affect me, my wife and family. Even though I live overseas I planned to have the surgery with a surgeon in the US who does it without mesh. Then something bad happened. While carrying groceries up the stairs I slipped and also developed a hernia on my other side as well. This sort of made having a non - mesh surgery a non - option because with hernias on both sides the possibility of recurrence would be much higher. I became even more fixated and afraid of having the hernia surgery with mesh and convinced that it would fail.
At one point when I had a very high stress level at work, something happened which I call "crossing the threshold." It was the day my anxiety turned from extreme worry into a disorder, where I could not sleep, work or function well. Before that I was extremely worried but very functional. Following advice from my brother who is an expert in neuropsychology I sought the help of a psychiatrist. He put me on a benzo (Frizium) and an antidepressant (Lexapro). This was entirely uncharted territory for me because in the past I have never really taken any kind of medication and I am a health freak. So you can imagine me suddenly taking these kinds of things. I have rarely evem taken antibiotics during the last few years. I was told that the SSRIs did not have any serious side effects. The Frizium almost made me suicidal. I went to another psychiatrist who put me on a different benzo but had me continuing taking the Lexapro. This was six weeks ago. The Lexapro made me somewhat functional even giving me some good hours during the evenings. But it also gave me sideffects that I was not aware of including completing killing my libido. I have a beautiful, loving wife and that has made me extremely unhappy. I have learned to really hate the medication.
I then ended up finding a CBT specialist and psychologist who is totally anti -drugs. He suggested initially cutting back on the SSRI since he thought it was not working that well for me and was actually creating another phobic syndrome, the fear of the medication. He immediately got me exercising again by having me sign up at a pool to swim and told me to immediately stop reading things on the internet about medications and hernias. (I actually stopped reading about hernias but the meds are another story) He then said that once I got over my anxiety by changing my attitude and outlook that I should go and have the surgery which is the root cause of everything.
We initially cut back on my Lexapro (10mgs) to 5mgs over two weeks and I appeared to handle that pretty well although there were some spikes in my anxiety. However, I have continued taking my benzo (Ativan) at 0.5 mgs in the mornings to handle severe anxiety attacks. Upon his suggestion just three days ago we made a mutual decision to get off the Lexapro completely given that I feared the sideffects and the possible negative ramifications of even taking the stuff for a couple of months. The first two days I got off I did relatively ok, but yesterday I appeared to crash again and my severe anxiety symptoms returned. I have found it extremely hard to work and sleeping has become a luxury. I used to sleep so well in the past and now it has become a real nightmare.
I am currently in a catch 22 situation. I do not want to get back on SSRI's or visit another psychiatrist because he will simply throw a bag of pills at me. However, I don't know if I will be able to function without them. However, at the same time I really dread what they have done to my body even over a small period of six weeks in small doses. But I have to be functional and may be half a husband to my wife but must be able to function as a father for my son, who I have now neglected because of my condition.
I have now seen the light but I hope its not too late. If would have just gotten my surgery a couple of months ago and seen a CBT specialist instead of a psychiatrist I would now most likely would be fully recovered and happy with my loving family with no anxiety disorder. Instead I am a mess taking psych meds and the effects have been horrible on my family which cannot stand to see me in this condition. I went from this all together, happy, very confident guy to someone who is literally a mess. Guys I really want out of this situation. I want to get off the meds, have my surgery and get my life back. I just don't know if its possible. Sorry for the longwinded post, but any help, advice or encouragement you could provide would be highly appreciated.
Thank you.