Clueless
01-16-2012, 09:59 PM
Okay, so I may need a bit of explaining here, because I'm sure my past has a huge part in how I feel now. I'm only 15, and at the age of around 12 I started a new school and the bulling began. Now at first it was no problem, because the person I used to be could handle that all very well, I was quite the happy individual. Until I started taking in their words, I was going through changes myself and started becoming a lot more aware of my appearance, suddenly the names they chanted hurt. The way they looked at me had me running, and the whispers behind my back destroyed me. After it started getting to me, I hardly went to school. Most mornings I would say I felt ill or cry on the way to school, sometimes I was forced in but it all became serious when I threatened to jump out of a moving car if they took me any further. At the age of 14, I was homeschooled. It was a teenager's paradise at first! Not a care in the world and freedom. But it all changed.
I found myself wanting to be alone more. I didn't enjoy being with those I loved and I felt quite numb. On several occasions I attempted suicide because I hated who I was, I hated that I let bullies control me and my future. When I looked in the mirror, I felt disgust, it didn't feel like me at all and I didn't care if I was hurting this "stranger" I saw. Thinking back this is the point it could of all changed, I was stil in connection with other people I even fell in "love", until he sexually assaulted me and since then I've never trusted and never wanted a relationship or any type of connection with any human being. Then realising, I not only hated myself, but the world around me.
Now- we've moved away since then, to a very isolated area where all I see is fields. Thinking back- I'd have changed a lot. But I'm still young and there's much I could do. But I'm afraid of going back, and I'm afraid of facing what I need incase of failure. Now, I do nothing all day and I still worry, I worry about my future- I don't see a future.
I've tried talking about it with my family, before I went to a therapist and told them I felt I had depression- they just laughed at me. Because that's there way, they joke about everything. Then, not so long ago, I had a few sessions and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I felt, maybe then, they'd take me seriously and try to help- but they still laugh. Is it best I just never bring it up again, save embarassment?
I feel stupid for feeling the things I do because I know people get bullied a lot, and it's just a life experience and the fact I couldn't handle it, makes me weak.
I found myself wanting to be alone more. I didn't enjoy being with those I loved and I felt quite numb. On several occasions I attempted suicide because I hated who I was, I hated that I let bullies control me and my future. When I looked in the mirror, I felt disgust, it didn't feel like me at all and I didn't care if I was hurting this "stranger" I saw. Thinking back this is the point it could of all changed, I was stil in connection with other people I even fell in "love", until he sexually assaulted me and since then I've never trusted and never wanted a relationship or any type of connection with any human being. Then realising, I not only hated myself, but the world around me.
Now- we've moved away since then, to a very isolated area where all I see is fields. Thinking back- I'd have changed a lot. But I'm still young and there's much I could do. But I'm afraid of going back, and I'm afraid of facing what I need incase of failure. Now, I do nothing all day and I still worry, I worry about my future- I don't see a future.
I've tried talking about it with my family, before I went to a therapist and told them I felt I had depression- they just laughed at me. Because that's there way, they joke about everything. Then, not so long ago, I had a few sessions and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I felt, maybe then, they'd take me seriously and try to help- but they still laugh. Is it best I just never bring it up again, save embarassment?
I feel stupid for feeling the things I do because I know people get bullied a lot, and it's just a life experience and the fact I couldn't handle it, makes me weak.