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View Full Version : Regrets and Hate



Clueless
01-16-2012, 10:59 PM
Okay, so I may need a bit of explaining here, because I'm sure my past has a huge part in how I feel now. I'm only 15, and at the age of around 12 I started a new school and the bulling began. Now at first it was no problem, because the person I used to be could handle that all very well, I was quite the happy individual. Until I started taking in their words, I was going through changes myself and started becoming a lot more aware of my appearance, suddenly the names they chanted hurt. The way they looked at me had me running, and the whispers behind my back destroyed me. After it started getting to me, I hardly went to school. Most mornings I would say I felt ill or cry on the way to school, sometimes I was forced in but it all became serious when I threatened to jump out of a moving car if they took me any further. At the age of 14, I was homeschooled. It was a teenager's paradise at first! Not a care in the world and freedom. But it all changed.

I found myself wanting to be alone more. I didn't enjoy being with those I loved and I felt quite numb. On several occasions I attempted suicide because I hated who I was, I hated that I let bullies control me and my future. When I looked in the mirror, I felt disgust, it didn't feel like me at all and I didn't care if I was hurting this "stranger" I saw. Thinking back this is the point it could of all changed, I was stil in connection with other people I even fell in "love", until he sexually assaulted me and since then I've never trusted and never wanted a relationship or any type of connection with any human being. Then realising, I not only hated myself, but the world around me.

Now- we've moved away since then, to a very isolated area where all I see is fields. Thinking back- I'd have changed a lot. But I'm still young and there's much I could do. But I'm afraid of going back, and I'm afraid of facing what I need incase of failure. Now, I do nothing all day and I still worry, I worry about my future- I don't see a future.

I've tried talking about it with my family, before I went to a therapist and told them I felt I had depression- they just laughed at me. Because that's there way, they joke about everything. Then, not so long ago, I had a few sessions and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I felt, maybe then, they'd take me seriously and try to help- but they still laugh. Is it best I just never bring it up again, save embarassment?

I feel stupid for feeling the things I do because I know people get bullied a lot, and it's just a life experience and the fact I couldn't handle it, makes me weak.

IndependentJenn
01-17-2012, 01:09 AM
NEVER feel embarrassed by your feelings! I am a 25 yr old woman and I have people laugh at me too! If your feeling depressed, you have to do whatever you can to help yourself. Joining this website was a good idea and I am glad you did it! Counseling also GREAT! If your parents or family don't want to face that your depressed then you have to take it into your own hands. Call a helpline if it gets too bad.

If you want to help yourself then go for it. You can change your life! I am living proof after 25 years I have decided to face my fears and do something about it. Dont wait another 10 years...trust me, it only makes it harder. Good luck and if you need anything let me know!

alankay
01-17-2012, 08:51 AM
Clueless, I think your family is in a bit of denial as they don't want to accept their Daughter(who they love deeply) is wrestling with this issue. For them it might be easier to believe it's a simple "rough spot", not make too much of it, and think they're reassuring(laughing at it) you when actually you need them to listen. Forgive them.
Well OK. You can't fix that fast so you can continue with therapy. You will move past/get better with this issue but at your age they are harder. All is magnified in it's importance and you therapist understands this and will support and listen to you.
I also hope you will take up some(work up to) 1/2 hour sessions of aerobic exercise(brisk walking, jogging, whatever). You'll feel your mood brighten and see results in fitness that will also help. Ask your therapist about St. Johns Wort and /or Fish Oil gel caps. It may help as well. PM me any time. Alankay.

Clueless
01-17-2012, 10:43 AM
I want to thank you all deeply. It's good to know people care, even if it is online.

alankay
01-17-2012, 10:58 AM
Clueless, chin up and post as often as you feel like it!!
Alankay.