Bmd92
01-14-2012, 12:19 AM
Oh, where to begin. All I want to do is let all of this out. All I need is support. I am sorry if it is too long or disorganized, but if someone is willing to read this whole thing, you will make a very miserable person's day.
I've been suffering from depression & anxiety for over 10 years now....and I am only 19. When I was that age, I always described the feeling as "sad and scared". And to this day, I still believe that is the best way I can explain it. Short and simple. I would go through phases where I would suddenly become very sad, negative and terrifying thoughts would ravage my mind, and I couldn't cope. As much as I didnt want to talk about it (perhaps the biggest fear of all), I had to. Over time I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and even OCD, without the compulsions. I suffered from disturbing intrusive thoughts quite often. From such an EARLY age, growing up has been nothing but a struggle.
I was bullied all the way through middle school, which left long-term scars on my self-esteem which are still there. I was always overweight, and still am. Another blow to the self esteem.
I came from a loving household, but my parents arent exactly the neatest people, and therefore the house was always, basically, a filthy mess. I was also an only child for 8 years. There is a big age gap between me and my two siblings, so I've always felt alone, and jealous of people with close siblings, since making friends is difficult for me. The "responsibility" of babysitter has always been thrown on me.
High school was where things changed. I met new friends who I could connect with, and always looked forward to going to school. During breaks was when my depression would kick back in, but whenever I went back to school I would be fine within no time.
One day my junior year, I smoked marijuana (only about the 3rd time ever) with my cousin and had an extremely severe panic attack. And that was my very first experience with depersonalization. I was put on Seroquel and Prozac, and rapidly improved.
Fast forward to this past June. I graduated. From that day on, I have been lost. My mother left us behind suddenly. me and my dad suspect she had a midlife crisis. Basically it seems like she wanted to stop being a mom, so she did. I was always close to my mother, so this hurt bad. Both the foundations of a routine school & home life crumbled very suddenly and I did not know what to do with myself. Also my dear grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimers a year and a half ago, and of course it's only getting worse. She basically raised me, so that hurts unbelievably.
For awhile I spent tons of time with friends, and basically lived with a friend of mine for almost 3 months, but her mom stopped letting me stay because I was "making" my friend lazy (honestly, she already was lazy). My own mother also will only let me stay with her on weekends (she has become very irrational), even though I *HATE* going home with my dad and siblings, because it's about 10 miles out in the country and i seem to get much more depressed anxious there. But, I have to do it.
In August, the depression and anxiety kicked back in Ten-fold. It's been fluctuating a bit, but not a day has gone by that I havent felt absolutely DREADFUL. Yes, I'm in college (community) and have a job. Those are the only two things going for me. Over the past month or two I have rarely hung out with friends. I'm SO SICK of spending weekends at home on the internet, but some very INTENSE fear is holding me back from a LOT of the things I want to do.
Back to the depersonalization. At first it was terrifying. Now, I am so accustomed to it, that I'm not even sure when I feel it, and when I don't. I always feel emotionally "blunted". Deep down, very "sad and scared", and it is paralyzing. All I do is go on the internet on my phone. I used to be very creative and artistic, but not anymore. It vanished. Everytime I try to draw, I can't because I am so uncoordinated. I can barely even function. I don't want to hang out with friends or even family because I'm afraid of being hit with intense sadness or anxiety, or being too quiet, and breaking down from all the stress., so I avoid it.
Fear controls my whole life, every day. The worst is when the sun goes down. I've never hated the dark so much in my entire life. Now, when I'm driving at night, I definitely experience depersonalization. I feel numb, almost dreamlike, dizzy, palms sweat, feel like crying etc. Oh, and another thing, traveling long-distance is a *HUGE* trigger for me. I have only left the town I live in a handful of times since I graduated. Each time, I have experienced severe anxiety. I am so sick of it!!!!! It's not a fear of being harmed, but an intense fear of being far away from my "safe place" and panicking, even though I don't feel so safe here anyway. I just wish I could drive wherever I want to, FREELY, like everyone else.
I'm so tired of not being able to function. My schoolwork has suffered greatly, my relationships are basically non-existant, and I'm so tired of feeling miserable and afraid every day. I cant do the things I need to do; I cant do the things I WANT to do. I am not myself!!!!! I am so young and I have a life to lvie. I cant cope with this for much longer...
I havent seen my psychologist in two months due to work conflicts (becaquse I am so lazy and disorganized that I lose track of when I am supposed to work).
I got prescribed Luvox and Seroquel a couple months ago, but haven't taken it due to fear. Should I?
Someone, please help me. Thank you.
I've been suffering from depression & anxiety for over 10 years now....and I am only 19. When I was that age, I always described the feeling as "sad and scared". And to this day, I still believe that is the best way I can explain it. Short and simple. I would go through phases where I would suddenly become very sad, negative and terrifying thoughts would ravage my mind, and I couldn't cope. As much as I didnt want to talk about it (perhaps the biggest fear of all), I had to. Over time I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and even OCD, without the compulsions. I suffered from disturbing intrusive thoughts quite often. From such an EARLY age, growing up has been nothing but a struggle.
I was bullied all the way through middle school, which left long-term scars on my self-esteem which are still there. I was always overweight, and still am. Another blow to the self esteem.
I came from a loving household, but my parents arent exactly the neatest people, and therefore the house was always, basically, a filthy mess. I was also an only child for 8 years. There is a big age gap between me and my two siblings, so I've always felt alone, and jealous of people with close siblings, since making friends is difficult for me. The "responsibility" of babysitter has always been thrown on me.
High school was where things changed. I met new friends who I could connect with, and always looked forward to going to school. During breaks was when my depression would kick back in, but whenever I went back to school I would be fine within no time.
One day my junior year, I smoked marijuana (only about the 3rd time ever) with my cousin and had an extremely severe panic attack. And that was my very first experience with depersonalization. I was put on Seroquel and Prozac, and rapidly improved.
Fast forward to this past June. I graduated. From that day on, I have been lost. My mother left us behind suddenly. me and my dad suspect she had a midlife crisis. Basically it seems like she wanted to stop being a mom, so she did. I was always close to my mother, so this hurt bad. Both the foundations of a routine school & home life crumbled very suddenly and I did not know what to do with myself. Also my dear grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimers a year and a half ago, and of course it's only getting worse. She basically raised me, so that hurts unbelievably.
For awhile I spent tons of time with friends, and basically lived with a friend of mine for almost 3 months, but her mom stopped letting me stay because I was "making" my friend lazy (honestly, she already was lazy). My own mother also will only let me stay with her on weekends (she has become very irrational), even though I *HATE* going home with my dad and siblings, because it's about 10 miles out in the country and i seem to get much more depressed anxious there. But, I have to do it.
In August, the depression and anxiety kicked back in Ten-fold. It's been fluctuating a bit, but not a day has gone by that I havent felt absolutely DREADFUL. Yes, I'm in college (community) and have a job. Those are the only two things going for me. Over the past month or two I have rarely hung out with friends. I'm SO SICK of spending weekends at home on the internet, but some very INTENSE fear is holding me back from a LOT of the things I want to do.
Back to the depersonalization. At first it was terrifying. Now, I am so accustomed to it, that I'm not even sure when I feel it, and when I don't. I always feel emotionally "blunted". Deep down, very "sad and scared", and it is paralyzing. All I do is go on the internet on my phone. I used to be very creative and artistic, but not anymore. It vanished. Everytime I try to draw, I can't because I am so uncoordinated. I can barely even function. I don't want to hang out with friends or even family because I'm afraid of being hit with intense sadness or anxiety, or being too quiet, and breaking down from all the stress., so I avoid it.
Fear controls my whole life, every day. The worst is when the sun goes down. I've never hated the dark so much in my entire life. Now, when I'm driving at night, I definitely experience depersonalization. I feel numb, almost dreamlike, dizzy, palms sweat, feel like crying etc. Oh, and another thing, traveling long-distance is a *HUGE* trigger for me. I have only left the town I live in a handful of times since I graduated. Each time, I have experienced severe anxiety. I am so sick of it!!!!! It's not a fear of being harmed, but an intense fear of being far away from my "safe place" and panicking, even though I don't feel so safe here anyway. I just wish I could drive wherever I want to, FREELY, like everyone else.
I'm so tired of not being able to function. My schoolwork has suffered greatly, my relationships are basically non-existant, and I'm so tired of feeling miserable and afraid every day. I cant do the things I need to do; I cant do the things I WANT to do. I am not myself!!!!! I am so young and I have a life to lvie. I cant cope with this for much longer...
I havent seen my psychologist in two months due to work conflicts (becaquse I am so lazy and disorganized that I lose track of when I am supposed to work).
I got prescribed Luvox and Seroquel a couple months ago, but haven't taken it due to fear. Should I?
Someone, please help me. Thank you.