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thizzin
01-13-2012, 04:41 AM
Hey, my name is Buddy, and I'm struggling to keep going.

My nightmare began exactly one year ago on the 22nd, when i consumed an ecstasy pill at a rave. The pill turned out to contain both MDMA and Piperazine. What happened on that night was too horrific to put into words, I thought that was the end of my life.

I felt numb, I ran into the street, pacing back and forth, I felt like I was going to snap into another dimension, like I was in a dream, life felt fake, everything felt like a movie, I through up 6 or 7 times within just 2 hours, I didn't sleep for the next 2 days.

Following that event, my brain never recovered, I sat and cried and cried for the next week, for hours, hyperventilating, feeling so empty and destroyed.

The next month was rough, I felt so numb, everytime I would step outside, nothing felt the same, it all felt so foreign.

Since then I've been to a therapist, and psychiatrist, with no results.

I am currently on 15mg Buspar twice a day, and it has helped but only a slice.

I am constantly plagued with anxiety almost 24 hours a day, I feel like I am dying, I feel like I am going to fall asleep and wake up a mental patient, I have sweaty palms, feel hot, constant stomach cramps, numb feelings, and my worst problem is that I feel like I'm in a movie.

Everything feels fake, everything feels like I have never done it before, loud sounds scare me to death, I am constantly talking to myself in my head, I feel useless, I look in the mirror and I'm starting to feel like I don't know who I am.

I need help :( I don't remember what it feels like to be normal, I feel like an empty vessal. Sometimes I feel like I go into third person, and its just my concious talking to me messed up brain.

Im so indecisive, nothing makes sense, my brain feels so lazy...just ehhh.

I think I really changed some chemicals in my head, now I am just a 19 year old loser.

Before these events, I didnt have a problem in the world, didn't even know what anxiety was. Never felt depressed in my life, even when losing my entire group of life long friends due to lies and drama.

Now I feel like I am not a human being anymore.

Please. Please save me. I am to young, and have so much to enjoy and offer to this world.

alankay
01-13-2012, 08:10 AM
Buddy, are you seeing the pdoc? If not you need to either get another M.D./D.O. and get this anxiety under better control or have the current one do more.
Although drug induced anxiety usually fades(I got anxious on LSD but it went away the next day or so) yours doesn't seem to be.
If it were me, I'd cut out any caffeinated drinks(cut any and ALL stimulants) and either ask this doc to help "get the horses back in the barn" so to speak or get another doc.
If you were just experimenting (many do in their youth:()with drugs and not a substance abuser(it sounds like you're not an abuser) ask for a short course of a looooong acting benzodiazepine like clorazepate or diazepam. These are less likely to cause issues with dependence, etc, particularly a short course just to get you calmed down. Then I'd ask to bump up the dose of buspar to help keep you calmed down as you begin working on learning about anxiety, relaxation techniques, CBT, etc, etc, as you need to do that to keep a lid on your anxiety in the long term.
All the stuff you listed as symptom are indeed from anxiety. Depersonalization, etc.
I would ask for a course like this(or dosed the how doc thinks best). 4 days at 15mg, clorazepate(tranxene), 4 days at 11.25 mg, 4 days at 7.5mg and then 4 days at 3.75 mg. For diazepam 10mg, 7.5mg, 5mg, 2.5mg. All doses taken just before bed time.
I understand the docs reluctance to add a benzo but when you in this state and cannot get out/get calmed down, you need to get calmed down to ever benefit from anything else(non med, BCT, etc). PM me any time and I mean that as I have been there. Alankay

jon mike
01-14-2012, 01:17 PM
Hey man, sent you a private message!

liveitup898
01-14-2012, 07:58 PM
buddy, its not an easy situation you are going through these days but honestly it will get better. trust me.

as someone else mentioned already, definitely see your doctor or specialist again. make sure you are completely open about your situation and tell them exactly how you feel.

when i experienced my first anxiety/panic attack i was literally home bound (did not leave the house) for 3-4 months straight...it was literally hell for me. i had no idea at the time what was wrong with me but i eventually got better. i was so scared because i had no idea what was wrong with me or if i'd ever get better....

its been 8 years now and i still deal with anxiety....i have not put in the effort i should have but i know these things take time too...

have some faith in yourself, but also dont sit back and wait for it to naturally get better........get angry if you have to and use that to motivate you to just live your life. be positive about everything you do.

de-realization is something i am not too familiar so i cant speak much on that, but i do recommend you let your doctors know about that.

speak to people about your feelings, learn yourself on deep breathing exercises, change your diet (no caffeine, heavy desserts etc) and pick up physical exercise. these are all options that you can consider.

are you working or in school now? how are you coping?