CollegeStudent
01-11-2012, 05:33 PM
Let me begin with a little background information. My first episode with anxiety occurred when I was in 5th grade, and once again when I was in 8th grade. In 8th grade, my parents realized the behavioral changes and took me to the doctor rather quickly and I was put on an antidepressant and also spoke to a psychologist for several sessions. The antidepressants worked very well for me and I remained on them for about a year, after which I decided I no longer needed them. I managed to control my anxiety on my own for a long time, with only very minor panic attacks from time to time, which after a minute or two, I was able to control and promptly calm down.
About 9 months ago, roughly in March I woke up and had the biggest panic attack of my life. This was different because I could not get it to subside, and it lasted for the better part of the night. When I awoke in the morning I was still extremely tense. After enduring pure panic for roughly 3-4 days I talked to my mom, went to the doctor and received a prescription for anti-depressants. These took care of the physical symptoms within the first 1-2 weeks but I noticed that the obsessive thoughts were not being taken care of. I had been at work and read an article about why people commit suicide, and I remember having a strong panic attack and worrying that one day I would find that my life had no meaning, or that I would suddenly want to commit suicide. This began a long period of obsessive thoughts relating to self-harm. For example, when driving I would all of a sudden become very nervous of driving right of the road in an effort to hurt myself. Of course, in the pattern of anxiety, I became worried about why I was having these thoughts, what it meant that I was having these thoughts, etc.
Like I mentioned, it’s been about 9 months now since my anxiety reappearing in a more acute way, and I am still frustrated by these thoughts. While they have most certainly decreased in number and frequency, from time to time they come back and it is very irksome to me. I maintain a very strong social life, impeccable grades, I regularly exercise and I have even secured a great job after graduation! I simply cannot understand why I continue to have these thoughts and it really frustrates me. I really do not wish to seek professional help, because I’m the kind of person who likes handling things on their own, and so far my methods have been successful to a point. I keep a journal chronicling my anxious moments, as well as entries highlighting the positive steps I’ve made in controlling my anxiety, and even how anxiety hasn’t been all bad by motivating me to learn more about myself.
I guess my biggest question is, why do these thoughts continue to harass me? I would really like a way to stop them once and for all. I laugh frequently, have no trouble sleeping, stay active, am close with friends and family, and yet I’m still plagued by thoughts of the ultimate meaning of life as well as a fear that failure to find such a meaning will result in me deciding to end my life. I have a strong belief that these existential worries are simply occurring due to the fact that I am about to graduate college and enter an entirely new phase in my life, which is full of uncertainty. I think my anxiety is just magnifying my fears in a way that I find very frightening. I realized recently that I’ve tried many approaches, but one thing I haven’t done is reach out to others for opinions so that is what I’m doing now. Like I said, I really would prefer to solve this on my own and not seek professional help, especially because I am a broke college student. I have realized however, that I don’t have all the answers which is why I’d like some feedback on my situation. Thank you!
About 9 months ago, roughly in March I woke up and had the biggest panic attack of my life. This was different because I could not get it to subside, and it lasted for the better part of the night. When I awoke in the morning I was still extremely tense. After enduring pure panic for roughly 3-4 days I talked to my mom, went to the doctor and received a prescription for anti-depressants. These took care of the physical symptoms within the first 1-2 weeks but I noticed that the obsessive thoughts were not being taken care of. I had been at work and read an article about why people commit suicide, and I remember having a strong panic attack and worrying that one day I would find that my life had no meaning, or that I would suddenly want to commit suicide. This began a long period of obsessive thoughts relating to self-harm. For example, when driving I would all of a sudden become very nervous of driving right of the road in an effort to hurt myself. Of course, in the pattern of anxiety, I became worried about why I was having these thoughts, what it meant that I was having these thoughts, etc.
Like I mentioned, it’s been about 9 months now since my anxiety reappearing in a more acute way, and I am still frustrated by these thoughts. While they have most certainly decreased in number and frequency, from time to time they come back and it is very irksome to me. I maintain a very strong social life, impeccable grades, I regularly exercise and I have even secured a great job after graduation! I simply cannot understand why I continue to have these thoughts and it really frustrates me. I really do not wish to seek professional help, because I’m the kind of person who likes handling things on their own, and so far my methods have been successful to a point. I keep a journal chronicling my anxious moments, as well as entries highlighting the positive steps I’ve made in controlling my anxiety, and even how anxiety hasn’t been all bad by motivating me to learn more about myself.
I guess my biggest question is, why do these thoughts continue to harass me? I would really like a way to stop them once and for all. I laugh frequently, have no trouble sleeping, stay active, am close with friends and family, and yet I’m still plagued by thoughts of the ultimate meaning of life as well as a fear that failure to find such a meaning will result in me deciding to end my life. I have a strong belief that these existential worries are simply occurring due to the fact that I am about to graduate college and enter an entirely new phase in my life, which is full of uncertainty. I think my anxiety is just magnifying my fears in a way that I find very frightening. I realized recently that I’ve tried many approaches, but one thing I haven’t done is reach out to others for opinions so that is what I’m doing now. Like I said, I really would prefer to solve this on my own and not seek professional help, especially because I am a broke college student. I have realized however, that I don’t have all the answers which is why I’d like some feedback on my situation. Thank you!