Introducing myself

[Periwinkle]

Hi! I'm a 53 year old female, 4 kids, 1 grandchild. I've been anxious/depressed for years. I've been in and out of therapy and on and off meds. I've been married for 28 years to a very outgoing, fun guy. Everyone loves him! I'm totally opposite. Shy, social anxiety, etc. My background is growing up in a dysfunctional family, Dad beat Mom, brother molested siblings. This is very difficult for me to write this down and read it...I hate to admit I come from such a screwed up family. I've been to psychologists, psychiatrists, and family doc for my anxiety/depression. I was on Wellbutrin XL, but stopped taking it last summer. I was doing great! I was running our family business we just started the year before. Then my brother killed himself in August. Things started to slide for me. He was a lot like me, shy, low self esteem, etc. Then came the holidays and I guess the stress has really gotten to me. Yesterday I could hardly keep from crying all day. My son left for Army Ranger school last night.
Went back to my psychologist in December, but it is difficult to get to her with our business. She told me to take my Wellbutrin XL again. I've tried, but I find I cannot sleep and I clench my teeth so bad I have a horrible headache in the morning. I also feel more anxious than I did. I just started right back up with 300 mg and maybe that was a mistake. I take it in the morning, maybe I should take it at night and maybe half the dose for a week or so? I haven't taken it for a few days because of the insommnia. I took a sleeping pill last night and feel better today. I realize I need a forum like this, because my husband doesn't/can't understand what I'm going through. I'm glad I found this forum because I don't feel so alone when I read it. Thanks for listening! If anyone has any ideas regarding Wellbutrin and when to take it I'd like to hear them. I'd rather not take medications, but I realize I just may have to. Thanks!

[alankay]

Peri, yeah take 1/2 dose for a few weeks. I think the very scenario that led to the med a ways back is just coming around again. Sometimes we do have to accept a condition(yep, it sucks) but it's better than chasing our tails and suffering. I know. I did. IF wellbutrin helped before, resume it as you said "I was doing great!"(it's where you wanna be right?).
Don't beat yourself up. All that family stuff was done to you, you didn't do it to yourself(I know, easier said than done). Blame those at fault, NOT YOU. Alankay.

[Periwinkle]

Thanks, Alan...it's so nice to talk to someone who's been there. I have no one to talk to about this except my therapist. I'll try 1/2 dose, hopefully that will take care of the teeth clenching. I guess I should have talked to my doctor before going off of it and back on it by myself. I know my family situation wasn't my fault, but to me it's embarassing to belong to a family like that. Thanks again for your response, after reading some of the forum for the last couple of days, I was hoping you would respond.
Thanks!

[alankay]

Peri, well it's just a damn shame you know. Why do the victims have to carry all the difficulties, right?
Yeah always best work with your docs but it's common for a person to feel OK for so long to stop a med. I did too. I learned to work with my docs, during tough time especially, and learn as I go. Alankay.

[Periwinkle]

forwells,

I have addressed the issue of my family. I, unfortunately, give 2 hoots about them. I come from a large family, we are pretty close. I just feel that with my depression/anxiety it's genetic and I feel I come from an inferior family. I know this probably doesn't make sense to people, but I care what everyone thinks. It's difficult that I am always worried what others think about me. Thanks for the encouraging words!

[alankay]

Peri, in this life all families have issues. Many/most are kept closeted.
We have a friend whose hubby works at a large tobacco company as a senior VP(big money). Had everything from the outside. Later we found he was a closet cross dresser and that was his demon. 2 of the 3 kids got on heroin. All messed up and stemmed from him being away buying/obbessed with.......dresses(saw other women too, go figure). I cannot relate. Now my point. My point is to STOP putting other families on a pedestal(I bet you have a tendency to do that, know it or not). All families have issues. Some more apparent than others and sometimes the ones with the biggest smiles are working hardest to hide their little issues.....like most of us do.
Like the song goes, "each of us is imperfect and incomplete".:) Stop beating yourself up and instead, life the best life you possible can despite it all. That's the attitude!!! Chin up. Alankay.

[Periwinkle]

Thanks, Alankay. I have issues I'd like to discuss but, never having been on a forum before, not sure how to do this. Would I keep this thread going or start a new one? This title is "introducing myself' and now that I've done that, I have issues I need help with. Low self esteem (therefore jealousy) is a huge issue with me and I think it is the root of a lot of problems/relationship issues with my husband. I know I should see my psychologist, but it takes 3 hours (appt and travel time) out of my day and I run a business and cannot afford the time away. So I'm hoping this forum and some self help books will help. Thanks and yes I do put other families on a pedestal.

[Periwinkle]

Called doc and am getting 150 Bupropion XL to start. Wasn't a good idea to try to start by myself at 300mg.

My issue right now that I need help with is jealousy. When I feel anxious, as I have been lately, I get real jealous if my husband looks at a pretty woman, (especially blondes, I have black hair). I can't stand to be this way. I have no confidence and low self esteem and I think that is the problem. I think if I could gain confidence, I wouldn't care who he looks at. But now I just feel ugly and inferior.

My life consists of going to work at our business with my son and coming home. I have no social life, no friends to speak of. I know I need to get out and join something to meet people but I'm afraid of rejection. I don't know what's holding me back. Can anyone out there help me?

[alankay]

Peri, ah yes. Men with those wandering eyes(woman have them too:)). Yep, I(and 99% of all men) have been "corrected" a number of times for noticing, even ever so briefly, a woman no matter the physical characteristics.
Now my fiance' has a different approach, sure she feels a tad jealous but she giggles and says she feels for me as "it must be hard to know in my mind I will never be able to do anything more than have a passing appreciation of another woman's beauty".:) Then she giggles. The day his(our) heart ceases to beat is when he will truly never even notice a pretty gal. I bet you know that already. Don't punish the individual man for biology's/natures design(all of us are like that):(. You'll both have to work on it!!:)
Now, you are almost there and don't even know it!!!! (1)First of all you are tuned into human psychology and your own feelings enough to realize this is a bit of excessive jealousy(sure, some is normal and natural). (2) You realize this is all heightened by a low self esteem.(3) You realize being anxious/anxiety adds to this all and results in some guilt perhaps at having the damn scenario anyway and not being able to.......just stop it, etc,(silly to feel guilt on this). Maybe anxiety/anxiousness feeds the other but no matter. (4)You fully realize and express all this and even have an idea of how it developed. You're no dummy! (5)You even express a desire to work on this all. Your halfway there or more and you don't know it!!! Well I'm telling you. . There are some folks who cruise around thinking they have no problem. They are fine and the world needs to fit them better, etc. So they continue along clueless ruining relationships, changing jobs constantly, ruining friendships, being horrible bosses, being unhappy, etc, etc(however it manifests itself) and they never figure it out. They will continue to live that way because they've never done what you have. Saw a problem, found it needs to be worked on from within and then actually started to do so. Which is what you've done so do me(and you) a favor. Acknowledge that. Pat Peri on the back on getting to the most important part. Realizing the/an issue and a willingness to accept it and work on it. Not only will you gain but everyone in the family!!! What a huge potential breakthrough!! And you did it. This forum didn't come and get you. You did that. Give yourself some credit. I think with the hard part is done, the rest is a matter of putting in the work and giving yourself some credit. OK, don't down play all I've said. Stop that and give yourself a little credit. Get back on the med, maybe see if you can get a closer counselor and keep working on getting better and getting that self esteem up. People have an ENORMOUS capacity for change/get better and you can be the healthier person you want to be I am 100% sure of it. Alankay.

[Periwinkle]

Wow! Thanks Alankay. I feel pretty good, even though I'm crying. You're right about people being clueless. I have a sister like that. She thinks everyone else is wrong. We are exact opposites. I always think I'm the one who's wrong. I ordered a self esteem book and confidence book from Amazon, hopefully they will help. I also think I need to get out w/o hubby and do something on my own. I saw a 2 day class on meditation and breathing techniques. I think I'll sign up for it. It would do 2 things, get me out to meet people and maybe the meditation will help on anxiety. If I don't back out, like I always do. I always find a reason not to go to something because of my social phobia/fear of rejection. Maybe since I wrote this for everyone to see, I'll be less likely to back out.

Thanks so much for what you wrote....it means more than I can articulate.

[alankay]

Peri, I've been told and have learned that Anticipatory Anxiety is always worse than the actual thing(used to stop me from going to big parties, etc). You should try a small thing to meet folks or just get out. Just to get started. Why not?
Do you have social anxiety like me or is it more a fear of rejection? I'm no social butterfly but I do OK around people now. My pdoc gave me a beta blocker to get through speech class in college it helps me as I used to get a racing heart and some shaking around a lot of folks but I have gotten over that....mostly.
Anyway start small and simple. For practice, since love dogs, I'd go for walks and talk to folks about their dogs. See I'd keep the dog as the center of attention(not me) talk just briefly about the pooch and leave it at that. I found people generally LOVE to talk about their dogs. This taught me that I could kind of use that to keep practicing talking to people and over time got quite used to it and often the conversation drifts to me or the other person and it helped my get desensitized to talking to strangers(never did have a problem with my big mouth around established friends:)). Anyway maybe you can think of another way to do likewise. Just a thought.
I know the type your sister is, she may not exactly mean it, but I bet she leaves a wake of brief and aggravation wherever she goes and has nooo clue she did. Amazing, eh?
Before one can change you must see some reason too and these folks just never figure it out.
I like the odds of you getting way better as you have identified things to work on and that's where it must start. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You deserve that so when you have a set back(as we all do), no biggie. Keep at it. Alankay.

[Periwinkle]

Alankay, I think I have both social anxiety and fear of rejection or do I have sa because of fear of rejection? But I use to absolutely hate going to big parties. I always had to go to my husband's work holiday party and would find any reason including faking illness to get out of it. I've talked to my therapist about it and for the first time ever, this year, I didn't dread going. I personally think it has to do with me feeling like I'm competing with other women and even though I'm pretty (been told I was an "Irish Beauty", black hair fair skin) as I get older, it's harder to compete. I know I base everything on l my looks, which isn't healthy. I'm not sure why I did not dread it this year, except I lost weight due to working a lot and maybe I thought I looked OK. Or maybe it has to do with therapy. I know this year I just sat down and talked to the one women I know at these parties and had fun talking with her. Although a goal of mine is to introduce myself to a total stranger at a party, but I'm not there yet. I like your idea of dog walking, however I live out in the country and I'd have to take our dog into town and walk her, which isn't impossible, but a hassle, not to say I won't do that, because I have noticed people love to talk about their dogs. I think that is a great idea!

[alankay]

Peri, so you don't get much in the way of physical symptoms at parties?? That used to deter me big time.
We've been to Ireland 4 of the last 6 years and there are some Irish Beauties indeed. :) My fiance' is all Irish so guess I have a thing for Irish beer(Guinness)and Irish gals):). Wait no, I have eyes for all, right? get it?
Anyway, you know there's a disorder related to anxiety I think I have a little touch of.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder
I wonder if you too just plain think you're not quite as attractive as you are maybe related to this(or similar). I'm mean in a very minor way.
I used to think I had issues(poor physique) there but I have noticed, believe or not, after being on an SSRI I seem to think I look pretty much like an average guy as far as physique goes. I didn't before so much. Ask your doc about that just out of interest. May be I'm just self conscious but I think that's alllll related at some level. A minor obsessive thought pattern also related to anxiety. Just some thoughts. Alankay.

[Periwinkle]

I do feel like I can't breath on my way to a party. Wine on the way helps;) I know that isn't what my therapist wants to hear. Yeah, I got your joke. Read the BDD link and it sounds like me. It's weird, sometimes I look at myself and think I'm really pretty, but other times, especially around blondes, I feel ugly. I really am not ugly, I know that. I'm above average on looks. I can't believe I just typed that, but I think it's true. So, knowing that I think I'm above average, why do I react the way I do? I am obsessed with looks. The other day I was looking through our church directory (you don't even want to know why, OK I'll admit it, there's a new women on my husband's committee at church and I had to look her up to see my competition, I know there's something wrong with this) and on each page I checked every women out to see if I was prettier than them. I thought I looked prettier than the majority of them and was relieved. Somebody help me!!!

[alankay]

Peri, LOL. I think we have have a little insecurity. Yep there are some that are vain(actors?). But the rest of us, some more than others, carry around some insecurities. Ah.... something to work on. I think it's a touch some insecurity. I can understand checking out the competition. I have a hunch many do it. Alankay.

[Periwinkle]

OK, so insecurity is an issue, maybe that's what I've been trying to say when I said, confidence, self esteem, etc. Is insecurity different than low self esteem? How do I get secure?

[alankay]

Peri, I wish I had a solid answer. I think self esteem is a good opinion of ones self. Security to me is at peace with who you are and accepting of that and comfy with it, I think. I know there's a definition but I think all this stuff related back to a underlying feeling of being distressed(troubled/anxious) at a certain level or to a certain degree anyway.
I think you have allot working on you right now. You lost your Brother in August right? Your Son went to Ranger School and I bet you worry about him at as that program is among the Worlds most difficult, demanding and highly regarded(I thank him for serving). All this must weigh on you so don't forget that. I mean it's not all you inside, there have things that have gone on, distant past and more recent, and things going(Son) on that complicates things. This is just my take, I'm no psychologist, just a guy who's had anxiety and learned allot from it.
So security was the question. That can go into the realm of spirituality and although a believer, I am no clergyman. I do think it important to accept that you are worthy and have purpose with respect to God and there is some purpose, meaning or reason to all our plights and struggles. Despite how difficult it is to believe at times. I would never be able to help other folks based on what I've learned through my struggles with anxiety if I never had them. I don't know if that makes sense but at some level security must come from believe in ourselves and as well as a higher power. Believe me at times I know it not easy to accept that but I thinks it's worth think about deeply.
You said you were going great on wellbutrin in the past. Were you better in this respect also(security). If so you will likely be again. PM me any time. Alankay.