*pixiedust*
01-07-2012, 02:35 PM
Okay, I'm new here and I joined up because I'm feeling overwhelmed. My anxiety has gone through the roof. I am so fed up.
I had a boyfriend, and I know I deal really really badly with breakups, I have in the past been as low as it gets because of them, so I worry about them, a lot! I worry constantly about them meeting someone else, cos I worry how I would cope if they did, what would happen if I was really happy with someone, and if I let myself believe they werent gonna leave me and they did. I constantly worry about my appearance, I'v got it in my head if I dont try hard enough, I will always be left and hurt. I do get left a lot! Probably cos I'm so worried about it :-( My self-esteem and confidence fluctuate all the time. SOmetimes I feel good, sometimes I feel hidious. Without makeup, I wont go out, and panic about people seeing me. If I go for a night out, which I rarely do, I pile on fake tan and masses of make up and hair extensions and spend hours getting ready so I feel attractive enough and dont feel bad. But once I'm ready, sometimes I'm happy with myself. I feel guilty for letting such things affect me so much. I know its the inside that counts, and my inside drives people away cos I get jealous out ofbeing scared of being hurt again, even worrying about people at work. I actually left my last boyfriend because I was so scared of him leaving me...doesnt make a lot of sense but I couldnt handle it anymore. I think its the thing I worry about most, which makes me feel quite loopy. Other people cope, I feel so stupid. I worry about my sister, she is so happy woth her boyfriend, it makes me sick, I'm happy for here, but also scared of her getting hurt. And my friends too, I really worry! I didnt realise some people dont panic about these things as much as I do, and that made it worse when I did.
I have a phobia of blood tests, I am tired all the time, it affects my social life, my work, and my love life. It drags me down, I'v barely been out with my friends. I'v I have so much as two drinks, I am hungover and ill all the next day. I am always stressed out because of it. They think I have M.E. but I should have a blood test. Problem is, when it comes to it, I always get so scared and think I'm gonna die, and panic and run away.
I have general anxiety. I have panic attacks about shopping in malls, I have panic attacks about meetings at work, I have panic attacks about seeing my area manager, I have panic attacks shopping, I have panic attacks about food shopping, I have panic attacks about seeing ex boyfriends, even if its a slim chance, I have panic attacks about panic attacks, I drive myself nuts thinking I have illnesses that I dont, I worry and get scared if i need an operation or medical treatment because I know I run away, I get worried about eating new things in case I'm allergic to it. I worry myself sick about mental illnesses. I worry about fainting on stairs, escalators or in the shower. I dont like going where theres lots of people, I get panic attacks. I even get panic attacks thinking i'm going to hallucinate monstors, or ghosts, I'v worried about for years. And then the other day, I did hallucinate, that the table and the floor was moving (first time its happened). It wasnt as scary as I thought it would be actually. I cry a lot.
I worry because I'v decided not to have a boyfriend so I cant get hurt again, and because it all seems to make me anxious anyway, that my friends who are all coupled up, wont want to see me, and that I'll be alone all the time and that I'll get even more depressed......I'm only 24, if I dont die early, thats a long time to be lonely, and I kinda think, what's the point? I guess I'll get used to it, I hope I will
I do have things I enjoy in life, I like to play piano, i would like to learn to dance. Maybe if I pursue these things, my life will balance out. I would like to study, but I worry about getting overwelmed with t, or paying for it all and then hating it, and how on earth I would afford to live still, especially cos I am so tired al the time.
I feel selfish, I worry that I am selfish all the time, which is another reason I dont want a relationship, my worrying all the time, I think I end up quite selfish. I try to do nice things for people though, and try to help people, but sometimes I worry I dont do it enough and that I am selfish.
I'v been getting anxiety help, i dont think its working so far!
I feel better for writing actually
I had a boyfriend, and I know I deal really really badly with breakups, I have in the past been as low as it gets because of them, so I worry about them, a lot! I worry constantly about them meeting someone else, cos I worry how I would cope if they did, what would happen if I was really happy with someone, and if I let myself believe they werent gonna leave me and they did. I constantly worry about my appearance, I'v got it in my head if I dont try hard enough, I will always be left and hurt. I do get left a lot! Probably cos I'm so worried about it :-( My self-esteem and confidence fluctuate all the time. SOmetimes I feel good, sometimes I feel hidious. Without makeup, I wont go out, and panic about people seeing me. If I go for a night out, which I rarely do, I pile on fake tan and masses of make up and hair extensions and spend hours getting ready so I feel attractive enough and dont feel bad. But once I'm ready, sometimes I'm happy with myself. I feel guilty for letting such things affect me so much. I know its the inside that counts, and my inside drives people away cos I get jealous out ofbeing scared of being hurt again, even worrying about people at work. I actually left my last boyfriend because I was so scared of him leaving me...doesnt make a lot of sense but I couldnt handle it anymore. I think its the thing I worry about most, which makes me feel quite loopy. Other people cope, I feel so stupid. I worry about my sister, she is so happy woth her boyfriend, it makes me sick, I'm happy for here, but also scared of her getting hurt. And my friends too, I really worry! I didnt realise some people dont panic about these things as much as I do, and that made it worse when I did.
I have a phobia of blood tests, I am tired all the time, it affects my social life, my work, and my love life. It drags me down, I'v barely been out with my friends. I'v I have so much as two drinks, I am hungover and ill all the next day. I am always stressed out because of it. They think I have M.E. but I should have a blood test. Problem is, when it comes to it, I always get so scared and think I'm gonna die, and panic and run away.
I have general anxiety. I have panic attacks about shopping in malls, I have panic attacks about meetings at work, I have panic attacks about seeing my area manager, I have panic attacks shopping, I have panic attacks about food shopping, I have panic attacks about seeing ex boyfriends, even if its a slim chance, I have panic attacks about panic attacks, I drive myself nuts thinking I have illnesses that I dont, I worry and get scared if i need an operation or medical treatment because I know I run away, I get worried about eating new things in case I'm allergic to it. I worry myself sick about mental illnesses. I worry about fainting on stairs, escalators or in the shower. I dont like going where theres lots of people, I get panic attacks. I even get panic attacks thinking i'm going to hallucinate monstors, or ghosts, I'v worried about for years. And then the other day, I did hallucinate, that the table and the floor was moving (first time its happened). It wasnt as scary as I thought it would be actually. I cry a lot.
I worry because I'v decided not to have a boyfriend so I cant get hurt again, and because it all seems to make me anxious anyway, that my friends who are all coupled up, wont want to see me, and that I'll be alone all the time and that I'll get even more depressed......I'm only 24, if I dont die early, thats a long time to be lonely, and I kinda think, what's the point? I guess I'll get used to it, I hope I will
I do have things I enjoy in life, I like to play piano, i would like to learn to dance. Maybe if I pursue these things, my life will balance out. I would like to study, but I worry about getting overwelmed with t, or paying for it all and then hating it, and how on earth I would afford to live still, especially cos I am so tired al the time.
I feel selfish, I worry that I am selfish all the time, which is another reason I dont want a relationship, my worrying all the time, I think I end up quite selfish. I try to do nice things for people though, and try to help people, but sometimes I worry I dont do it enough and that I am selfish.
I'v been getting anxiety help, i dont think its working so far!
I feel better for writing actually