Worry and insecurity - looking for support

[sarahbutterfly]

My first post here and I guess I'm looking for some guidance, advice and maybe some reassurance that I'm not going crazy!

I suffer, quite badly at times, with anxiety and insecurity when in a relationship... I worry about issues and things that don't really exist and lose sleep and go off food as a result. Previously (not in recent years) the worry my mind imposes on me has even made me physically sick.

The thing is, I know my worries and insecurities are unfounded. If I genuinely believed my partner was unfaithful or deceitful, I wouldn't be with him. It's that simple. However, I always worry - endlessly - and create scenarios in my mind that are just fantasies, but they get me so worked up and I can't stop thinking about them.

I never question or harass my partner about any of these because I know deep down they're my insecurities and they're not based on any objective actions or behaviour from my other half. He knows I feel insecure at times and is both supportive and reassuring, but I still worry. So although it doesn't haven't any obviously detrimental affect on my relationship, it's self destructive and it can totally consume my thoughts.

The reason I'm writing about this today is my worries have recently been brought to the fore by my other half taking a 2 week trip away with friends. I know he'll be having lots of fun and meeting new people (and no doubt girls!) and I've been worrying myself endlessly about it, to the point of exhaustion. No matter how much I rationally tell myself I've nothing to worry about, I worry about it even more. I then worry about worrying, which is just ridiculous, so I'm in this constant spiral.

To give an example of how I structure things, he might be going out one evening on his holiday. I'll be worried that someone will try to hit on him, and then think nothing more about it. And then I'll think, what if he's interested back? Then he's kinda mentally unfaithful. And what if he takes it further? I'm not really sure what it is I'm afraid of (well, I think I do, it's mental deceit or lying, and not necessarily the physical act) as I know there are no certainties in relationships. Even so, I beat myself up about it.

I have seen a counsellor for one session who suggested CBT as a possible way of taking control of negative thoughts and insecurities, but I've yet to take that any further. I just wish I was able to stop myself thinking about things that don't exist and creating fantasies. Can anyone offer any advice, support or tips on controlling and managing negative thoughts like this?

[alankay]

Sara, to me this worry has a rout in obsessive thinking/anxiety(well excessive worry=anxiety). I didn't say you were obsessive but people with anxiety(worriers) can be thought of having these worries as obsessive traits. Obsessing simply, like me worrying/obsessing about other things, can put one this "trajectory" to more and more worries and anxiety/anxieties. If CBT doesn't seem to help, I would just make an appt. with your doc.(GP) and tell him all your struggling with and if it might be anxiety/obsessive worries. Ask about an SSRI med like zoloft, fluoxetine, citalopram or luvox. Just have a trial of say 6 months.
I think when we love someone we all have these worries. But this has started to effect the quality of your life and you recognize you can't quite "kick it" by yourself. Like CBT, meds are not for everyone but unless you've has a hideous experience related to this, I'd consider a trial of an SSRIi which are very good at reducing these obsessive, worrisome and anxious thoughts. They are safe, cheap in generic and usually help allot. If it helps you see things much better(and gain from that perspective), drop it(taper off) and go from there. I think it would help. Message me any time. Alankay.

[kellyzac]

Hi, i agree with alankay. Perhaps you do need more counseling though to talk through your past and relationship issues to resolve them but for now ive done cbt and it is good so def try it! When these thoughts pop in to your head dont try to push them away or let them scare you take a few minutes to think about how you feel then tell yourself yes hes going away and yes he may poss cheat but prob wont but on a good side it could make him realise that two weeks without you was hell and he is more madly in love with you than he thought, then smile and throw yourself in to doing something to distract your mind. Keep doing it though even if you think its not working but it will pay off in the end. Hope it helps x

[ss_worrier]

Hi Sara,

I think that realizing the thoughts are a problem and caused by anxiety is a great start. In a way I am where you are right now, a girl I've dated for a few months is currently travelling with a friend, and it's caused me to worry so much, even though she's been the one to be in touch for the most. She's even written to me about meeting guys when travelling, obviously nothing about flirting or anything but you know how the mind of an anxiety sufferer goes. The fact that our future is very unclear (as well as our present) since we'll be in separate countries for many months is in itself a huge source of anxiety, and the trip just makes it all the worse.

I would really recommend CBT. I can't honestly say that my anxiety has gotten significantly better since I started CBT almost two years ago but at least I know that I am dealing with my problem, and as things keep happening in life I am more and more able to identify my anxious patterns and to analyze what in my self-perception and world of thought that is causing them. In an ironic way, being in my second anxiety-influenced relationship has been a little bit of a relief to me since it made me realize that these worries are not actually caused by any other people's actions or opinions, but by myself. I am the one controlling them, and I can only control myself and my thoughts, I can neither know nor control anyone else's.

What I would try to do is both to treat the thoughts simply as what they are -- thoughts -- and let them be. "I just had a what-if-thought -- it came and I will let it leave whenever it does, not acknowledge it by indulging in it" is an approach that I try to stick to as much as I can. You might want to think about what within you that is causing these thoughts to appear; us humans can be very mean to ourselves, a lot of times much more so than we ever are towards other people. Good luck!