I need some advice...or a book suggestion.

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Hello everyone,
I'm new here. You can find my welcome page in the "Welcome" section.

Anyways, I'm here to open up and talk about my anxiety and hopefully help others out as well. I've decided to recently pick up reading again as it seems to put my mind at ease a bit. So if you have a suggestion about dealing with anxiety or treating it, please share.

I'm going to share my anxiety with you. Mine is mostly related to social and moral acceptable tones. My mind often creates a barrage of self-doubt and questioning behavior when confronted with a triggering situation or interaction. For starters, I have a hard time committing to a relationship because I don't feel confident in my ability to be faithful, despite my wishes to BE faithful. I find myself ruminating over my behavior to seek something to be shameful of. For example, if I'm in a relationship, I might start to dissect the interaction with a co-worker from the day before. And when I assure myself that I'm free and clear of infidelity, I don't feel confident. It doesn't seem like any amount of reassurance is enough. Even though in my heart, I don't want to hurt anyone.

Most of my anxiety revolves around relationships and sexuality. I fear being a father and having kids of my own in the future because of the association I place between kids and sexual molestation. And it's not that I have desires to do that. I know it's wrong and gross and it makes my stomach turn to even think about it. It's some fear inside of me that I won't be able to answer the questions of my conscience on a daily basis. I was sexually abused when I was younger so maybe that plays a role. Beastiality and pets, like dogs and cats is another theme. Again, I know it is wrong and gross and I have no desire to ever connect my name to something as taboo as beastiality, but it causes me anxiety and they are thoughts that pass through whenever I'm hanging out and my cats are around, for example. And if you're reading this and think this is as ridiculous as it sounds, trust me, I'm aware. But I'm done running from this crap. I want answers.

So in short, my mind paired with my anxiety, has an ability to conjure a reality of its own at times. Some of the thoughts that my mind strings together make me doubt who I am or who I want to be. I'm a good guy, I think. I have a salaried job. I have friends and family that I love and care for. I have dreams and I play sports and I'm social. I like regular guy/girl porn. I love vaginas and women. I really think that I am--or at least come off as--a prototypical 27-year old male with male hormones and aspirations.

Maybe I'm just going through an identity crisis. Maybe I don't know who I am.

I'm sort of sensing a theme in my anxiety...something to do with sexuality and domination. Maybe you can provide some more enlightenment.

Thanks for reading.

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Thanks for the reply, Kev.
I will check that link out as soon as I get a chance tonight. I'm thinking that all the years of poisoning my body with essentially no real prolonged reprieve have sort of caught up to me. I could benefit from a reboot.
Yeah, the abuse I underwent as a child was sort of passed along in my early adolesence (7-10 years old) with 2 of my male cousins. Looking back, I think we were all just trying to figure out what our penis' were for. But either way, the first experiences of it, I think I was sort of coerced into. It was painful looking back. Not something I would want to pass on to anyone.
I've never been diagnosed with OCD but after reading Brain Lock, I was rather convinced of the condition. I was doing therapy through that book as best as I knew how and also talking to a therapist. I was on Zoloft and Klonopin when needed.
My diet could improve and I started exercising again. Those were certainly improvements. I think that maybe after the new year, I'm going to look into a 30-day alcohol and drug detox. I'm a walking bottle of alcohol and nicotine right now.

But anyways, did anyone or yourself experience these types of thoughts with anxiety? Where you know your answer to the question but just can't convince yourself of it? The self-doubt? The endless feeling that my reality is something much more awful than the reality I truly live?

[alankay]

Its' alllll anxiety. Worry fueled by an often imaginative/energetic/creative mind that makes up and/OR is susceptible to suggestion by others(even unwittingly). If the mind is anxious it can/will make up OR take up something to allow that anxiety/anxious energy to be released. It might be anxiety about health issues for some from them noticing perhaps their heart beating faster than normal. Others might be anxious about closed spaces(CO2 theory here), some are anxious in social situations because they were teased/bullied, etc, at a certain point in their lives.

I was anxious about losing control and going crazy in class in college. I used to be convinced I had health issues. I was afraid to baby sit for my niece/nephew because I might, for some reason, get anxious and hurt the child or something like, have the child get bitten by a dog "on my watch", scaled by hot water, etc, etc, etc. I used to be afraid I would be speechless on dates or have some kind of bizarre behavior on a date, or meeting parents. I've been a runner and used to worry about cars swerving to not hit be and then someone getting hurt, etc, etc. I used to be anxious about sexual matters too. Big time.

I was "touched"(it ended there) by someone as a boy and it just pisses me off now that I somehow felt it made me "damaged" and a liability to others. The thought of me giving a speech was terrifying. I thought I'd lockup/panic. I would rather have gone into combat that give a speech but I needed to to graduate college.
My point is I was very anxious about may things and as I proved each wrong, I would quickly pickup the next fear to be anxious about. I asked my pdoc what each mean, does it give us a clue? He said no. The DETAILS of ones anxiety are unique to each patient(based on there experiences/individual makeup, etc) but the core of it all is distress, which is anxiety. Lower your anxiety, or get treatment for your anxiety, and all will be diminished/reduced.
There are 2 kinds of anxiety broadly speaking based on causation/source. Internal and external.
Anxiety from abuse/work stress/childhood-family issues where there lies a conflict/issue outside ones actual self, that's external. Nothing inside you on its own, without external impetus is creating(the source) of you anxiety. Much can be done to treat/reduce symptoms from this type of anxiety(acknowledge the source/reduce at the source).

Internal can be thought of anxiety that is from within yourself as an reaction or over reaction purely to the world we exist in. I am high strung inside, I know this. I have a predisposition to anxiety. I was a "worrier" as a little boy. My disorder matured after high school, which is fairly typical. Others have a similar anxiety. High arousal as a trait. Now each patient may have more or less or each elemental anxiety type. Most have some of each, not all. If someone develops anxiety purely from a hideous experience it can be PTSD or just anxiety that once removed from it goes away. Not always. If one has mostly internal anxiety, they need to work on understanding their anxiety, work on relaxation, beep breathing CBT, meds, in sort, they must do all they can to calm themselves and understand the bully anxiety is and manage it/keep in under control and minimized as best they can.

I digress from the question about specific FEARS but as far your SPECIFIC thoughts and fears, they are all from anxiety. The details are just that. Just as some folks get a headache or stomach issues from stress, it's all from stress(yes, this is a simplification of things). Reduce it, symptoms subside. But most don't obsess/worry about the headache/stomachache in this case(it's obvious). I'm just advising anyone with enough anxiety to start interfering with life/work/relationships to GET TREATMENT. Don't chase your tail like me(most of us did just that). Start with your GP or a counselor, get CBT, read self help books(Get Reid Wilson's, "Don Panic"), practice progressive relaxation and deep breathing exercises, get enough aerobic exercise and limit caffeine and alcohol. But remember, your anxious thoughts/feelings, are just the details are not important and you should put you energy into understanding anxiety and working with professionals to reduce it to the point where you can manage it, for the most part by yourself(with occasional drs. appts. as your dr. recommends) once you get it past the acute stage. Give reading a rest when and if you feel it's making you anxious by gathering all the info you'll be gathering. Sorry for the long post but sometimes we need to step back for context on the questions. Work on reducing your anxiety and don't worry about the details of anxious thoughts as they work out of you psyche. They just distract you and make you more anxious IF you don't know any better. Alankay

[alankay]

You bet. Hard to leave simple answers when all aren't so simple to a person new to anxiety. I will organize posts better. Alan

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This was excellent feedback, guys. I really appreciate the time and effort you've put in on your responses. I hope that I can continue to pick your brains on this thing I'm dealing with...
I'm going to sleep on this before I truly respond because a lot of what you both said started to get the ball rolling in the right direction for me. I will post a reply tomorrow. Have a great night! :)

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So I decided to give the Anxiety Research some rest over the New Year holiday. I only had to take 1 klonopin, and that was yesterday. But still, the same thoughts have persisted. I actually had a few new ones...a drug dealer was going to hurt me...I might have HIV...etc. etc.

New Years' Eve was a blast. Had all the friends out and it was just an epically awesome night. Of course, I was medicated the typical way...whiskey, coke, and cigarettes. I didn't have a care in the world. And just like always, I woke up the next day and anxiety slowly started to settle in. Thought by thought, the disturbia kept coming. Interestingly, there were pockets of logical thought throughout the day that gave me temporary comfort. But once I started to come down, it was like my mind and body was uncomfortable with relaxation, and the mind began seeking something to feel anxious about.

I stayed sober yesterday. That was day 1. I think I'm going to continue the sobriety (a friend said she would also stay sober with me) for as long as I need to find some clarity. The confusion I experience all day is just too wicked. I keep medicating with booze and drugs to find relaxation and that's not how I want to live my life. Why does anxiety seem to cause so much confusion? Why can't I experience a thought in my head and just shut it out logically with confidence, truth, and faith?

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Also, has anyone done the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund Bourne? Thoughts, feedback? I bought it but put it down and never picked it back up.

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Kev,
Thank you...I'll be checking this out.

One thing I've already noticed there...a term called "thought-life". If that is what I think it is, I have to say that's where I struggle the most. Is in my head. Is that what is meant?

[jessed03]

I've worked through the Anxiety and Phobia workbook. I thought it was really good, quite thorough, yet very understandable.

When I read your post though, I see so much OCD. It doesn't mean you have it at all, anxiety can bring on symptoms of it. I had the exact same obsessions really. Obsessed with being Gay, of being violent, of being a sexual monster. I dissected all interactions, researched things. I think a book you may find helpful is Brain Lock - Jeffrey Scwartz,

I found the anxiety and phobia workbook was catered towards panic attacks. The anxiety you suffer is more of the obsessional nature, performing certain deterministic compulsions to reach a desired relief, that doesn't always come.

Read the forum stuckinadoorway.org. This forum and that helped me deal with the obsessional anxiety and mental process.

Whats happening now, is an anxiety process. You've alerted a certain stimulas e.g. beastiality (the way someone else may pick heart trouble) and you are constantly, even without knowing, seeking reassurance. What happens when you get it, is you need more, until there is no more, then you're stuck in limbo about it. Being quite sure you wouldn't, but not convinced enough to drop the issue. Therefore it remains in the forefront of your mind. The OCD aspect comes in regards to the compulsions. The rumination to ensure there is NOT ONE shred of evidence to ever have you believe the thought. Of course this isn't possible, as anything can be twisted in the mind. Therefore the mind demands reassurance that such a thing wont happen. Often people mistake this for having a desire to do the actual act e.g. hurt some one, abuse someone. This isn't the case, it's just the mind simulating these feelings to try to decide it's position.

While you have nothing to feel guilty about, the reassuring yourself that you aren't a bad person because you feel disgusted and repulsed doesnt work. Your mind will just then start telling you that you're not really disgusted, or you secretly like it, etc.. Accept that the thoughts are yours and that it's okay to have them. Actions are what determines a person's character, not thoughts. Sexuality and relationship issues are massive aspects of the OCD spectrum.

Again, there is nothing to suggest you have OCD, your situation just blurs the line between it and anxiety (which 95%of cases do anyway, OCD is just another branch of the anxiety tree, and is treated the exact same way as panic attacks).

Your mind has picked questions you can't possibly answer. My advice, don't play it's games. Don't even try. I recommend strongly that you get treatment for this. Not because it turns bad, but because the mind is easy to get lost in. You're not too deep in now, this can easily be worked through, but it will go onto something else, and then something else, unless you get it under control. I'm guessing you're spending a lot of time in your head already. Some people get so deep within their mind they lose track of everything, and become thoroughly exhausted trying to answer impossible questions, that it then takes them a long time just to unravel their mind again. There is no downside other than the emotional energy and time it consumes.

By the way, it may not feel it, but take it as a compliment. Only the most compassionate, and intellengent suffer this ailment. It takes a rare being to attempt to take on impossible questions with rational analysis, and it takes a rare individual to take so much time and anguish, in ensuring they won't cause a single being harm. And for the record, as Forwells touched on; Nobody ever lives out these thoughts. The desires of this nature take part in a completely seperate part of the brain. Which, as science has proven, is in an entireley different universe[/B]! It just isn't possible...

All the best.

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Jessed,
It's pretty crazy how much sense I found in your post. And also interesting that you mentioned Brain Lock and Stuck In a Doorway. I own Brain Lock and would read it whenever I had the chance. I found a lot of use in it, it seems. I was also on Stuck in a Doorway for a while but I quit participating for reasons unbeknownst to me. I certainly think I suffer from some form of OCD. The information contained in Brain Lock just made too much sense for me to ignore it.

I was going to start a new post earlier, talking about anxiety and sexually-related themes. I stopped because I realized I was at work and didn't want there to be any proof that it was me posting this embarrassing stuff.

I guess the thing that I'm unsure of how to do (or I have forgotten) is how to ignore the games that my mind wants me to play. I know Brain Lock taught me a lot, but I feel like I forgot it all. I was on an SSRI and doing the CBT in Brain Lock and it seemed like I was all good. And then when you combine shitty Michigan winter weather, an alcohol habit, experimenting with cocaine, cigarettes, shitty sleep patterns, etc, I feel like maybe I fell back into a mini-depression. I know this certainly isn't as bad as the first depression I went through. But something isn't right in my head, after it seemed as if all was right.

I started a 30-day detox (minimum) and started seeing a counselor. I'm going to pick up Brain Lock again. He has another book called "You Are Not Your Brain" which I'm going to order as well.

So besides telling me how you think I can avoid playing this game and trickery with my mind, do you think ANY of these sexual themes have anything to do with my past? I ask because as a child, I was abused and put in unfair situations. I also found myself p[participating in situations that I would construct with male cousins and friends. Like I said, before, I don't know if it was us trying to figure out our penis' or if it was due to those situations. But I would also hump inanimate objects like a stuffed animal. I remember trying to approach the family dog from behind with an erection thinking it would feel good. I don't know the exact age, but I'm guessing between 5-11 years old. All of this behavior was because I was drawn and tempted by it. But it seems so bizarre and out there, that I feel worthless and dirty and utterly embarrassed.

So when I think about the themes of my anxiety...relationship committments, child molestation, beastiality, etc....I too feel like a sexual monster. I'm almost identifying myself with it. And it scares me a lot.

Where do I go from here? And will there ever be a day when I will look back on this point in my life and be able to confidently brush this off as just a bad episode in my life?

[jessed03]

I think, as bizarre as it sounds, that your past (your actions regarding curiousity) was the manifestation of this condition, but earlier in life.OCD can manifest itself in many different ways, we only notice it when it involves anxiety. I remember myself being very curious, and slightly obsessed with certain things, certain pre-occupations. I think because of that obsessive nature, we take things a little too far sometimes, or we experiment in ways others don't. What I've noticed, is that certain people have a pre-disposition to this. It's not a bad thing really, a lot of geniuses have obsessive natures. It was sort of in our genetics from the start. If we'd have had a marvelous life 24/7, we probably would have avoided it, but it's sort of impossible, right. It comes from subconscious want of control. More than want actually, need. When we can't find the control we need in life, our mind invents these games or rituals people fall into. People wash their hands because they believe a loved one might die otherwise, they wear masks to prevent germs. It's a very egotistical, self centred illness, part of getting over it, requires overcoming that sense of ego, that need for control, validation, certainty etc... but thats a spiritual matter.

This mixes into the compassionate nature of the sufferer, and with the mind demanding it's need for control, the ritual people like us do to regain that feeling of control, is to ruminate. Of course this doesn't work though, as it's a never ending cycle. I feared sexuality, then when I got on top of that feared violence, when on top of that insanity, and the list went on.

Relief came for me when I let go of control. For so long I lived in utter terror of hurting someone. I knew how easy it was to hit somebody, or pick up a weapon. It could happen in a split second. I couldn't take my eyes off it, incase something happened. It just exhausted me, to the point of severe depression. In the end I got too exhausted to care. Whenever my mind would say "What if you hurt someone?" exhausted I would just say "So what?"... This peaked my anxiety MASSIVELY for a long time, but unkowingly, I had sort of tapped into the way therapists deal with this. What gives these thoughts power is what we attach to them. Believe me, there isn't a person alive who hasn't stood of the edge of a tall cliff, and wondered what falling would be like. Are they suicidal? Of course not, as they put the thought out of their head in a second and move on. We've lost that ability temporarily. We ruminate on it for weeks on end, to be completely certain nothing will ever happen. Half the battle is becoming comfortable with uncertainty, and that is really hard, as it terrifies humans as a collective. We're taught constantly, work hard, eat well etc and you'll have all you need. The reality is certainty and comfort are illusions we give ourselves because we're terrified. Nothing in nature is certain or safe. Everything changes. It's a journey inwards when you learn to accept the unknown, but it's the only true way to live.

My therapist worked a lot on unravelling the emotion that went with the thoughts. Those feelings of guilt, shame and despair that you feel. Usually, they run you through a worst possible scenario, really exagerate these thoughts, pull them out, dig deep into them. It becomes a process of progressive de-sensitization. Then the other half is tackling the root of the issue, by teaching you not to indulge in these habits. This ensures you don't fall into any more obsessive traps, as your mind will certainly lay them down, even if you found the perfect answer to deal with sexuality. This is the groundwork towards mental wellbeing, whether OCD, depression, anxiety etc...

I would like to advise you more, but everybody's trigger and subconscious fear is just so personal to their experience. You won't need to dig up the past, as your issue is your current belief system, and your current way of dealing with thoughts. How things occured in the past is pretty irrelevant right now. Suddenly though, after some time, you find yourself pretty comfortable with them. They still happen, but you're thinking about them less, and they definetly don't bother you nearly as much. Then the snowball effect happens. As you aren't scared of them, the mind turns it's alert down from HIGH to MEDIUM. You only get them occassionally now, and when you get them, they don't intimidate you. Over time this gives the mind permission to turn it's system down to LOW. Then they blend into the background chatter that we never experience or bother with. I still get the odd OCD thought, and ironically it now amuses me. I find it funny how vast and creative my mind is, how logical and rational I can be.

It takes a lot to do it yourself though, so it's good you're getting help. If only for a pair of rational eyes on the subject. You can make great ground with books and stuff, but to truly stop fearing these thoughts, you have to go through them. For a while you feel worse. It's like a child screaming for attention. Your mind will keep testing you, saying here it is, this is important. But as you've removed those feelings of fear and shame from the thought, there is very little emotional response. The mind soon gets the message. I think meditation helped me a lot, as it teaches you to ignore your mind, to not get involved with things.

I think definetly there will be a time that you find yourself remembering it as a distant memory. It took me to the point of suicide, I never thought I'd live days in peace, let alone have a normal life. Now I look back on those times with a sort of chuckle, the same way you do a party where you've made a total ass out of yourself. Sort of with a wry smile, "those were some mad times". Then it's gone... and I'm on with real life.

I do think certain things worsen it significantly. Certain medication, certain foods, certain living habits. What kind of detox are you on, it sounds interesting. As you become more intune with your body, you'll begin to really notice things. Ultimately it comes down to Seretonin, those levels need to be normalized through either therapy, medication, healthy living. Once the mind finds calm, and the chemical balance is restored, the issue seems to just evaporate.

Where would I go if I were you now? Healthy living to start with, the anxiety and phobia workbook helps with that. Begin some relaxaed meditation (focusing on breath). I would also re address brain lock, and issues you felt were helpful, and importantly, I'd be very honest with your councellor/doctor/therapist. It won't shock them, or disturb them. They treat it as a very normal reaction, just as the would treat asthma. They need to know the problem though, before they can offer a cure. They have very good success rates for treating this. Address it now, don't wait until it progresses.


Sincerely. All the best :)