Its a long post. I appreciate any feedback. TY

[NativeLady_2010]

I'm kinda new here. I visited last year. I need a place to vent so here I go. I hope at least one person can relate or give me hope...I had a bad week. Last Tuesday I started up with panic and anxiety pretty bad. But the last 3 days and nights have been decent. I was beginning to feel like I was gaining control. Then today I started getting that feeling creeping back up. Uneasy, tense. Now I feel really far away. (derealization). I've been suffering on and off with anxiety/panic disorder for 14 years, I'm 28 now. I can go a really long time and be fine. But right now I feel like I am gonna lose it. Like I can't fight anymore. I'm really trying. I have a 4 year old daughter and I do my very best to appear "normal" in front of her. She really has no idea that I am suffering. I just HATE this feeling. Minutes feel like hours and it just drags on. I tell myself "one foot in front of the other, just keep going" but I feel so helpless right now. Helpless and crazy. I know alot of the anxiety is caused by stress. My Grandma is in the hospital. Shes gonna die. Just typing that brings me to tears. How do I deal with that?? Its like I'm on a sinking ship and no one can save me. And my daughter is suppose to start school. Shes so excited and I act like I am too, but on the inside I am terrified. Scared to death that something bad will happen to my only daughter. So scared that someone is gonna hurt her or take her away! I know its just part of growing up. I had no idea when I was having her that I was gonna be this passionate about being a parent. Sorry for the length of this post.

[alankay]

Lady, you are having a huge spike in anxiety for sure. I have little doubt your Grandma being ill is adding to it on top of all the Holiday stress. You have my sympathy. Also your daughter starting school also feeds the anxiety. Any change can worsen anxiety. Anxiety does wax and wane with life stresses/changes and we often can cope as we've learned how but sometimes we need to talk to a doc or counselor to help get us through. Are you getting any treatment at all from a doc. or counselor? Any other understanding family/close friends? Message me any time. Alan.

[NativeLady_2010]

I just started to see my therapist again. I was doing so good I thought I was "cured". But now I realize that I have to keep going. I don't do well with stress and change. The last time it was really really bad was when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. This was horrible because I just watched my 30 year old cousin I grew up with die because of it. He was diabetic most of his life. But I came out of it. I went for 8.7 a1c to 5.4. I thought I mastered my anxiety. But I am still learning. My mother is the best support system. Shes been thro it with her menopause. The only symptom that drives me up the wall is the derealization. I can handle the actual attack. But its the uneasy, anxious, not quite panic attack state of being that makes my life hard. Thanks for responding. It helps to talk. My husband is helpful, but he never dealt with this. He just holds me when I cry and thats all he can do. He says its gonna be ok, that helps too. Sometimes you just need that reassurence.

[alankay]

Reassurance can make a world of difference as it says he will be there for you and cares. He won't turn his back on you, etc, and it means soooooo much when you're feeling this way. I truly think this spike of anxiety, I have had mine, will pass as you "work it". Allot of it is anticipatory anxiety("what it will be like when changes occurs", "how will I cope/feel", etc). You'll get through. The therapist is great. Have you had a trial of any meds to see how they can help if not just for the acute(short term, really bad part)? Just wondering.

[NativeLady_2010]

Oh this is definitly a spike in my anxiety. I just posted another post whats all going on. My Grandma is dying. I know now why I am feeling the way I do. She hasn't been doing good for about 2 months now. But the drs have told us that this is the end. They took her off blood pressure meds and now we are watching her die. I feel so helpless and anxiety is right with that. At the very least I have pin pointed the problem. Oh, and no I don't take anything like xanax, I take effexor. I am scared to death of drugs like xanax and cholnazapam. That sends me into panic more. I am so scared of the "sedated" or "high" feeling. I have to be in control 24/7. At least when I am feeling panic I am feeling a normal emotion. Not an induced weird feeling. IDK. It took forever for the dr to convince me to take this. I have a phobia of medicine. I can't even take baby asprin. I know, I'm crazy. Then when I was diagnosed with diabetes I had panic attacks for days because i was scared of dying and even more scared to take the metformin. It took hours on the phone with a nurse and my mom to get me to swallow it. Once I got it down I panicked and almost threw up. But I finally got used to taking it. Geez, I really do sound crazy. But if you met me you wouldn't even think there was anything wrong with me. I love to laugh and joke. I seriously thought about being a comedian at one point.

[jon mike]

The derealisation is awful I know, it is though after all a perfectly normal procedure that the brain does when you have high levels of anxiety. Have you had cbt? You sound like the old me and cbt worked so well for me. Derealisation does not last, cannot last, get your general anxiety levels down and that Will fade, ignore it even. There is also a therapy called ACT acceptance commitment therapists, its almost like the next stage after cbt, try to relax and if trying dosent work then make it your goal to relax. Pm me if you need any advice. Jon

[jon mike]

If you need more advice about derealisation and what it is ill go on computer cuz it literally took me about id
40minutes type that out on my phone ha! :-)

[alankay]

If clonazepam made you kid of "doped", the dose was too high. That med(benzos in general) don't effect blood sugar levels. If it gets that bad ask your doc about this as if dose right, it will just make you much less anxious. At higher doses side effects can start to show up but at lower doses but most folks don't have much in the way of side effects. Alankay

[John Campbell]

I'm a big fan of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (Albert Ellis).

You may be 'awful-izing' i.e. being very frightened of some things, without really thinking them through and facing their reality?
e.g.
"It will be awful if grandma dies." People do die. So say to yourself "It would be nice if my grandma lived forever, but not end of the world if she dies."
"It will be awful if the people here don't like me'. Instead say "It would be nice if the people here like me, but not the end of the world if they don't.'

You may be doing some exaggerated thinking?
e.g.
"My daughter is very likely to be taken away by someone in the next hour - it happens to everyone, all the time!"
"I am a very un-safe mother, and I take no care at all over my daughter!"
See that your thoughts are unrealistic and exaggerated, and replace them with more reasonable ones.

You may be holding on to false beliefs about yourself or the world that are stopping you recognise, face and think through your real sources of anxiety?
E.g.
'It is only what is inside me that matters for my attractiveness to men'. Instead say "It is both what is inside, and my outside appearance, that matters for my attractiveness to men. I can try to look nice, and maybe someone nice will be attracted to me."
'I am self-reliant, self-actualised etc; it doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks of me'. Instead say 'The truth is I have an ape brain developed for living in complex tribes for 100,000's of years - if I was not accepted by the tribe I would be cast out, and if I was on my own I would die - so, like it or not, I am affected by what other people think of me, and if the tribe accepts me.'

You may be demanding too much of yourself?
E.g.
"I must look amazingly good!" Instead say to yourself "It would be nice if I was the most attractive-looking woman in the world, but it's not the end of the world if I am not."
"I must save the world today", etc etc

You may be demanding too much of others, or of the world?
"It would be nice if everyone was nice to me every moment of my life, but it's not the end of the world if not.'
"It would have been nice to have had perfect perfect parents, but it's not the end of the world that I didn't."
"It would be nice if the world was perfectly just to everyone, but it's not the end of the world that it is not."


Go for it - attack the faulty thinking!

[Peace]

I am having a similar experience in my life in that I have had a spike in my anxiety/panic due to some recent really stressful life events. I also felt that my anxiety was really under control and very minimial over the past few years. I was not expecting it to come back with this much intensity and it is so hard that it has. But, the thing I have kept in mind is that I was able to work through it last time and it eventually passed. I am sure that it will eventually pass for you too. I know it is hard during your worst moments to keep that in mind. It is so exhausting to deal with and sometimes it feels so hard to keep going. But, you can handle this no matter how crappy it feels and eventually you will come out the other side. I have a number of things I am using to deal with my anxiety but I have found therapy (being able to express my emotions) and daily mindfulness meditation to be the most helpful tools. I truly hope you will find some relief soon.

[ANDY.B]

I understand, lately I've been thinking I'm totally loosing the plot and can't think or consentrate on simple tasks. I also have two young daughters which get you through the day and make it worth all the hard work and dedication but some respite always helps and gives us times to relax and have a clear head. Nothing worse than screaming kids!! Andy