lareth
12-19-2011, 04:26 AM
Hi,
I have been going through a lot of stuff lately. For a month I've been trying to cope, I have occasionally gone outside, a friend has taken me out to nature two times, and i have gone to the shop and gone to town once.
I think Ive had an identity crisis, with severe depression and anxiety, and philosophical issues.
I woke up this morning bit before my girlfriends alarm (she gives me huge amounts of anxiety and don't exactly know why at the moment, or too afraid to talk about it) feeling relatively ok, I had anxiety but it slipped away, I was tired and started having random thoughts and heard a baby cry noise as I was drifting back to sleep, it's the sort of stuff I have experienced before, and now I felt ok, but I constantly doubt my "ok" moods. I have also not felt tired in a long time, that I recall, not like that anyway, so it had me on be on alert, even though I feltrelatively relaxed. Right now I can feel the anxiety and fear there, I feel that if I were to have to do something now I don't know if I could, and if Icould it would scare me because I wouldn't know what to do next, sort of. And if I couldn't, why don't I know it. or something.
My father whom I hold to be an asshole phoned my mother this morning and they had it out on the phone. I was feeling like I couldve slept longer, but I was afraid my anxiety and symptoms would get worse, especially as I heard hints of what they were speaking of, added on to the way I was feeling already. I don't understand why my mother takes crap from her ex husband after all these years, why she wont just stop talking. I had to walk up to her room, and ask her to please stop. As I did this, I didnt feel anxiety rising per ce, and it worries me a little, and I don't know why. Afterwards she asked me to help her with some computer issue, and after trying it for a few minutes I felt anxiety rising and my feeling of not knowing what to do, which gives me stress, so I stopped.
I have had emotions of missing my father before, I have even semi humored myself with meeting him agani after all these years, and now I sort of recollect why it is I don't ever want to be around him. In the past I have acted tough, because I've had to, when it comes to him, now I know I am weak and I doubt that as well, or I don't know how to feel about it.
When I feel ok for a while perhaps, I ask myself wether it is justified, and I try and think of things that have previously hurt me, or given me anxiety. When I sort of feel anxiety again, I know it's there, I think. I also use phrases like "I think" after sentences a lot, because I feel i really don't know anything.. yesterday my girlfriend said that she tosses around a lot in bed to my mother, and I asked her "Really?". Then she said that I have said that she tends to invade personal space i nbed, adn I said, "I didn't know that." I sort of do know it, but then again I sort of really don't, I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
After the phone call, I started thinking, how it will affect me. I know that it possibly will, logically it wuold I think. Then again I have gone thruogh this stuff already, so even if he is my father as that somehow is supposed to mean something, I'm not sure I actually do feel bad about not seeing him in this way, especially when he acts like his usual self ruining everything. But as I said, I don't know. I do take some amount of anxiety over how someone can be like that.
There are things that I have even logically told myself to not feel stress about, like a problem at my apartment, but afterwards I felt bad, even though at the time I saw a leak running underneath the kitchen floor, I felt alright.
In the midst of all this, I don't know how exactly it is that I'm even supposed to feel fine, and I think it's due to me not thinking about certain things. But if I don't think about them, how will I get over them? And a tthe same time I know it is too much for me to think abotu certain things.
Yesterday I talked to my mother and girlfriend (even calling her my girlfriend makes hte hair on my back rise) for a few hours straight, I cried and I paced and said a few things which had troubled me, at the same time knowing that speaking them out loud wouldn't really help, but it seems Ihave come to lack in the ability to logically pu tthings together or something. I slept ok, and I talked, I felt aweful yesterday, enough so to think about going to the doctor at night, btu as I talked I felt ok, after I talked I felt bad but was able to go to sleep somehow. And this morning I woke up and felt the same anxiety and pressure on the top of my head I feel sometimes.
I wrote this without really thinking too much, and possibly to jsut vent out somethings in hopes that they wont bother me today. I know I'm not fine, and it scares me. I know there are things that hurt me severely, but of which I am too afraid to talk about, but on occasion I sort of seea glimpse of them in new light, in lighter way. My girldfriend issue is msot likely that I don't know wether she's done enough things to make me not want her and at the same time I am so attached to her and grateful and I think I do love her underneath all this, but I'm jsut so scared about everything. And I don't know wether I'm being sensible or not..
Bah.. I think all I need now is jsuta friendly chat about somehting, I think, or I don't know..
I have been going through a lot of stuff lately. For a month I've been trying to cope, I have occasionally gone outside, a friend has taken me out to nature two times, and i have gone to the shop and gone to town once.
I think Ive had an identity crisis, with severe depression and anxiety, and philosophical issues.
I woke up this morning bit before my girlfriends alarm (she gives me huge amounts of anxiety and don't exactly know why at the moment, or too afraid to talk about it) feeling relatively ok, I had anxiety but it slipped away, I was tired and started having random thoughts and heard a baby cry noise as I was drifting back to sleep, it's the sort of stuff I have experienced before, and now I felt ok, but I constantly doubt my "ok" moods. I have also not felt tired in a long time, that I recall, not like that anyway, so it had me on be on alert, even though I feltrelatively relaxed. Right now I can feel the anxiety and fear there, I feel that if I were to have to do something now I don't know if I could, and if Icould it would scare me because I wouldn't know what to do next, sort of. And if I couldn't, why don't I know it. or something.
My father whom I hold to be an asshole phoned my mother this morning and they had it out on the phone. I was feeling like I couldve slept longer, but I was afraid my anxiety and symptoms would get worse, especially as I heard hints of what they were speaking of, added on to the way I was feeling already. I don't understand why my mother takes crap from her ex husband after all these years, why she wont just stop talking. I had to walk up to her room, and ask her to please stop. As I did this, I didnt feel anxiety rising per ce, and it worries me a little, and I don't know why. Afterwards she asked me to help her with some computer issue, and after trying it for a few minutes I felt anxiety rising and my feeling of not knowing what to do, which gives me stress, so I stopped.
I have had emotions of missing my father before, I have even semi humored myself with meeting him agani after all these years, and now I sort of recollect why it is I don't ever want to be around him. In the past I have acted tough, because I've had to, when it comes to him, now I know I am weak and I doubt that as well, or I don't know how to feel about it.
When I feel ok for a while perhaps, I ask myself wether it is justified, and I try and think of things that have previously hurt me, or given me anxiety. When I sort of feel anxiety again, I know it's there, I think. I also use phrases like "I think" after sentences a lot, because I feel i really don't know anything.. yesterday my girlfriend said that she tosses around a lot in bed to my mother, and I asked her "Really?". Then she said that I have said that she tends to invade personal space i nbed, adn I said, "I didn't know that." I sort of do know it, but then again I sort of really don't, I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
After the phone call, I started thinking, how it will affect me. I know that it possibly will, logically it wuold I think. Then again I have gone thruogh this stuff already, so even if he is my father as that somehow is supposed to mean something, I'm not sure I actually do feel bad about not seeing him in this way, especially when he acts like his usual self ruining everything. But as I said, I don't know. I do take some amount of anxiety over how someone can be like that.
There are things that I have even logically told myself to not feel stress about, like a problem at my apartment, but afterwards I felt bad, even though at the time I saw a leak running underneath the kitchen floor, I felt alright.
In the midst of all this, I don't know how exactly it is that I'm even supposed to feel fine, and I think it's due to me not thinking about certain things. But if I don't think about them, how will I get over them? And a tthe same time I know it is too much for me to think abotu certain things.
Yesterday I talked to my mother and girlfriend (even calling her my girlfriend makes hte hair on my back rise) for a few hours straight, I cried and I paced and said a few things which had troubled me, at the same time knowing that speaking them out loud wouldn't really help, but it seems Ihave come to lack in the ability to logically pu tthings together or something. I slept ok, and I talked, I felt aweful yesterday, enough so to think about going to the doctor at night, btu as I talked I felt ok, after I talked I felt bad but was able to go to sleep somehow. And this morning I woke up and felt the same anxiety and pressure on the top of my head I feel sometimes.
I wrote this without really thinking too much, and possibly to jsut vent out somethings in hopes that they wont bother me today. I know I'm not fine, and it scares me. I know there are things that hurt me severely, but of which I am too afraid to talk about, but on occasion I sort of seea glimpse of them in new light, in lighter way. My girldfriend issue is msot likely that I don't know wether she's done enough things to make me not want her and at the same time I am so attached to her and grateful and I think I do love her underneath all this, but I'm jsut so scared about everything. And I don't know wether I'm being sensible or not..
Bah.. I think all I need now is jsuta friendly chat about somehting, I think, or I don't know..