Extreme Anxiety over Specific Tasks - Advice Wanted!

[ysera]

Hey Everyone,

I will start of with saying that I am new here, and I will be extremely grateful for anyone who perseveres through this long post.

Symptoms

For the last two or three years, any time I sit down to begin a programming (computer programming -- writing code to make stuff) assignment, I am overcome with emotion. I immediately feel overwhelmed, panicked, my thoughts race, I cry, my hands shake, I start near hyperventilating, and become unable to logically function. I ultimately stop work on the project or put it off just to make the anxiety stop. Since my classes have deadlines for assignments, this does not work indefinitely, and is impacting my emotional health and actual grades.

The intense panic fades once I commit to stopping the work, but the general anxiousness and emotional exhaustion linger for hours.

It was not always this way, my first year was fine.

Background: Some Context

I am a computer science major, so this panic/avoidance cycle is a common occurrence. It is worth mentioning that I chose this major because it was a subject that was interesting and challenging. While I can excel in many areas, computer science felt the most intellectually stimulating for me.

The most frustrating part is that I know how to approach a programming problem-- I even help my peers get going when they are stuck. It is just problem solving. Analyze what you are being asked to do, think about it until you understand the requirements, and create a plan of action. Start by doing the simplest aspect then slowly build from there-- I just cannot practice what I preach.

I feel I am an inferior programmer, that I am terrible at it, and when I am panicking my thoughts are of the nature that, "I don't know how to do this. I can't figure this out. I am not good enough to get this finished. I don't have the ability to do this." My fiance, also a programmer, is very supportive but I just cannot seem to truly hear him.

My Cycle

I procrastinate my projects because I want to avoid subjecting myself to the panic and feelings of just being stupid. Then I worry about the due dating looming over my head. When I cannot wait any longer I begin, I try to start. I go through my panic, but cannot really afford to stop. Then I get more anxious because now I am not working fast enough. The result is a lot of time staring at my monitor so overwhelmed that I just do not know what to do with myself.

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Does anyone have advice for overcoming intense crippling anxiety that comes from an activity you have to do? I let the panic overwhelm me to the point I cannot function, and it is ruining my life. My own willpower is not enough, and I am at a loss.

tl;dr:
I have extreme debilitating panic attacks any time I think about starting or start programming projects for my classes. These stem from lack of faith and confidence in my abilities-- others tell me I am entirely capable of the work. Since avoidance or removing myself from the situation is incompatible with deadlines, does anyone have advice for helping me overcome it in the moment?

[alankay]

Ysera, yep. Sounds like high anxiety big time. Like me, your beating yourself up over it. Also it's creating self doubt about yourself which I think it does to allot of us....until we get some treatment. The situationally bound panic is what I had too years ago, partly anyway. Speech class(required for my degree) freaked me out as I have a bit of social anxiety and panic disorder. I will come to the point, if I were you I go to see and talk to a GP or even a psychiatrist. Only because this has been affecting you for some time, correct? This has "matured" a bit so to speak from when you first noticed all this stuff, right? Otherwise you might just see a counselor alone to talk. Anyway, in addition to talking all this over with an MD, a counselor therapist would also needed to be talked to, just to get an idea if there's anything specific that could explain all the anxiety and thus be modified/changed. You shouldn't suffer any more than you already have and I'm sure you have potential and this is only burdening you in a big way it seems. Is there a clinic at your college/univ.? If so look into using it as I might be covered by tuition. Otherwise see a GP or even a nurse practitioner. After an initial evaluation they may start you on an ssri medication and get you talking to a counselor. There are some great self help books out there, I like "Don't Panic" by Dr. Reid Wilson. Others who read your post may have has some suggestions that helped them as well. In the mean time practice progressive relaxation, deep breathing exercises, get some aerobic exercise and limit caffeine and alcohol for now. The anxiety/panic I felt before giving a speech was formidable/terrifying and I would have never gotten through it without (1)help from my doc(meds for my particular case), (2)reading ALL about anxiety(books, a counselor or in my case a Clinical Social Worker) and (3)learning to calm myself by exercising often, deep breathing and learning progressive relaxation. After I learned anxiety was all adrenaline made by my own body caused by a worrying mind(all the symptoms you feel are related to too much adrenaline and the temp. changes it causes in your body/mind) I was able to manage it much, much better. Conquer it? No not in my case but I have gotten great relieve and am fully functional thanks to all I did. So can you. Go see a GP and tell them all about your anxiety. Believe me, it's more common then you realize and they'll be able to get started helping you. Message me any time! Alankay

[ysera]

Thank you for the input. I have been in and out of therapy and counseling with psychologists and psychiatrists. I have let myself become "too busy" to keep up with them faithfully, but you are right it is something to get back into. I often get discouraged finding a psychiatrist or therapist that is the right fit with me. For example, I have horrid sleeping patterns when I am lucky enough to sleep. I try to express this to them, and they all just assume its not any sort of compounding factor. Not being able to sleep is a new thing over the last year, and I suffer from periods of insomnia, but they just think its because I am in college and therefore have a messed up schedule.

I will look into that book, thanks again for the specificity of your reply.