Feeling depressed during long bouts of anxiety/panic attacks

[homebird]

It's been four days since I had the first panic attack (and have panic/anxiety attacks every day since) and I'm starting to feel depression creep in. Yesterday I laid in bed for four hours and cried, wishing I could die.

I got a bath, and all I could think about was how I could drown in the tub.

I have so much to live for. I have a loving husband, a beautiful daughter and an amazing, supportive family. I don't think I'd ever go through with this, but I find myself fighting these thoughts because the anxiety just won't go away. I know they're irrational and selfish and stupid thoughts, but I can't get them out of my head. BTW, my doctor knows about this and so does my husband. I've been very open and honest with them about how I'm feeling.

How do you deal with times like this? How do you get through those moments and move on?

(I'm on lexapro right now. Been on it for four months and felt great, but had a "breakthrough" panic episode that I can't seem to get rid of. We're trying some different medications right now, but nothing's worked so far. I have my first counseling appointment on Monday).

[Razzle]

Im confused you said you had your first panic attack 4 days ago but have been on meds for 4 months - why were you on meds. For me the anxiety medications made me much worse

[homebird]

Sorry for the confusion. I took lexapro for the first time a year and a half ago (after my daughter was born) for panic attacks and anxiety. I was on the drug for four months and weaned off, no problems.

In August of this year I started having panic attacks again, and the doctor put me back on lexapro. I was doing great (medicine kicked in after two weeks) until last week when my panic attacks started up again. I'm still taking the lexapro and have been for 4 months now.

[jessed03]

Hey homebird,

Anxiety and panic attacks can shake your emotions up like a snow globe. Up is down, left is right and purple is seven. Nothing makes sense, there's no stability. It feels like your climbing over mountains just to make a cup of tea. Add anti-depressants to the mix, and the body can become a cauldron of messed up chemistry.

There are actually a lot of ups and downs with anxiety, that aren't always bad. Sometimes the brain can 'shut off' and what seems like a bad patch, is just your brain repairing.

The only way I got through those feelings, and in a sense the way I still do, is to sort of let go of time. To zone out in a sense. I say to my self "OK, this is a bad period, and the truth is, it's gonna be pretty rough, so I'm just gonna hold tight, and ride it out. Do what I can to make myself feel as comfortable as possible" I also remind(ed) myself that people turn this around all the time. One day something just works for them and they move forward at a rocket pace, it's just that uncomfortable period of waiting. In the end this proved true, and worked for me.

The reality is, it's very likely that as therapy starts, and you find a medication, and dose, that agrees with you, things will start to ease very quickly. I know it isn't nice while you wait, so be easy on yourself.

I went to that exact same place. I wished I wouldn't wake up, or I'd be hit by a car. The suicidal thoughts came, and the depression came. I think it was just an immense cry of wanting to get better. As you said, you wouldn't do it. Looking back now, I know I wouldn't have done it, I just wanted to escape it, and when wanting escape, similar thoughts will cross anybodies mind. I think half the world have had similar thoughts at one period or another. Some more severe though. Just know they're born out of frustration and temporary despair, rather than a real desire to end your life. Your mind is looking for a way to gain back power as it feels powerless. Suicide is a way that is perceived to be gaining back control (even though we know it isn't), so I guess our minds will obviously bring it up to try to reassert their authority on a seemingly out of control situation. Focus on your lovely family, and try to do small things you enjoy daily. As always, keep your doctor informed of changes, but as you said, you're an open person, so no worry there!

I really hope things start to pick up soon. If it's any consolation, I've seen many many people in far worse circumstances than yours turn things around totally. Never lose that hope :-)