I can't get this Thought Out of my Head

[OntheRoadBack]

Hi everyone, I'm new here... but I have a question..

Docs screwed up and moved my meds up and down within a weeks time and caused major panic attacks. My friend a nurse asked if I was having any thoughts of self harm and I said now.

Of course with an anxious mind coupled with a bit of OCD, it implanted in my head that I was going to have self- harm thoughts. So I freaked, called a close friend and I ended up with a police escort to the hospital, this was on the 11th.

I was scared to death that I was going to just snap and become suicidal, and I couldn't get it out of my head, hence the melt down.

I was set up with a psychatirst and he switched me to Effexor from Lexapro, I had awful withdrawal from the lexapro to the effexor and still had it in my mind that I was going to have self-harm thoughts. It would not leave my head at all.

Monday, my mother takes me to the ER from throwing up and such and the worry I was going crazy. At this point my doc was called and he upped the effexor to 75 mg from 37.5. Its Saturday and I keep having these intrusive thoughts. But I do NOT want to die! I use be scared I had a deathly disease. Right now I sit her wondering and analyzing, why would I think this, do I really deserve all I have. Gee.

Any thoughts? My counselor said to just say no. She has been a huge help, but each session we bring up past items that upset me or make me sad. I dunno.

What do you think?

[jessed03]

Wow, this is scarily similar to my meltdown. I would have panic attacks about becoming suicidal. It's SUCH a strange feeling, I could never find the words to describe it. I also have he OCD, it comes and goes anyway. I actually tried to get myself sectioned, as believed I could snap and kill someone, or snap and become suicidal. All this from a guy who a few months ago was having panic attacks cos he was utterly terrified of dying.

A lot of people will not understand this, even my doctors didn't to an extent. It was only after proper explanation to a highly qualified doctor that someone got it. It's like a severe state of anxious confusion.

There is no one cure though. You'll have to work on a million little things. That's not as bad as it sounds. You'll have to work on several aspects of mental health, on OCD, on anxiety, on depression. The same rules apply here as to normal anxiety, just to a different set of circumstances. Work on any triggers, on your diet, on your sleep, on everything towards making you a healthier being. Meditate just to watch your mind. This will allow you to understand it. Most importantly though TAKE IT SLOW. Don't rush, it won't work. The issues you face today are the most important, read, do therapy etc in order to work on those. Over time those will be replaced by a new set of challenges, which in turn will be replaced by a new set. Before you know it, the challenges you get given to face will lessen in difficulty, and will become those challenges that 'normal' folk face. Stay present.

I have a message of hope for you though. That was all 12 months ago. My life has changed dramatically in those months. I mean incredibly. I have just let it all go, I have a great relationship, job, family. Hand on my heart, I thought I would never get close to recovery. My idea of a good day was getting through without any self harm (not that it was ever a possibility).

stuckinadoorway.org is a great site for people with all degrees of OCD/intrusive issues.

Be well my friend! You aren't going crazy! You won't do anything yo hurt yourself! Your mind is just mega tired and confused. Over time it will recover back to normality.