Anger is striking back.

[Slammed Vdub]

My girlfriend and i fight all the time, idk just feel angry all the time now, and she doesnt help. But when i feel angry i want to throw things and punch something like i have no control. This scares me and like right now i just feel like im going crazy. What do i do? im scared?

[Slammed Vdub]

i have, this can come at the stupidest times, ex girlfriend and i fight, car cutting me off, stupid video games anything. It can get bad, ive gave myself bad Charley horses before, and broke a few phones.

[AsktheAges]

I've done so much damage to so many walls. I'm just fortunate to live in a building with really strong walls now, honestly. Obsessive angry thoughts are the biggest problem in my life by far.

Things that can help include:
punching the air or doing push-ups when you feel the impulse
doing an automatic thought record (there's a good one at allaboutdepression.com) when the anger and violent urges arrive

[PanicCured]

There is a famous Anger Management teacher, Newton Hightower, who says that people with anger problems, need to embrace being wrong and to not care to be right. 3 principles he talks about is

"To be right is to be wrong"
"To be wrong is to be right"
"When I am right, I am dangerous."
Unlike other therapists who
encouraged people to “get their anger out so they could get over it,” Hightower said this
traditional advice simply didn’t work. He himself, a former rageaholic, knew personally
what worked and what didn’t. Given his professional training and personal struggle with
rage, he was in a unique position to develop a treatment approach that he could field test
on himself. He developed the following creed for people who truly want to stop raging
and recover:

1. I will practice self-restraint as a top priority today.
2. When angry, I will act **the opposite** of how I feel.
Contrary to what you might think, this does not say: “Share how you really feel!” You
should assume that you have lost the right to “express” your anger. In fact, most
rageaholics have used up their quota for this lifetime!
3. If I feel my anger is about to erupt, I will quietly leave the situation.
Contrary to traditional advice, you should not stay around and discuss your feelings
if your wife wants you to. While many people have a choice between a rational calm
discussion and leaving, a rageaholic has already proven his only choice is blowing up, so
he’d better leave.
4. I will find truth in all criticism directed toward me today, especially from my partner.
The emphasis is on listening and taking the criticism inside instead of attempting to
explain your point of view.
5. I will say, “You are right,” in a sincere meaningful way, when criticized.
This doesn’t give you permission to say, “You are right, BUT...”
6. I will give an example of how the person who criticized me is right.
7. I will repeat the following sentence to myself today, “I am better off being wrong,
because when I am right, I am dangerous.” Notice that it does not say, “I need to stand
up for myself when I am right.”
8. I will avoid explaining myself in any way by saying, “I have no idea why I did that. It
doesn’t make any sense to me either. You don’t need to make sure she understands your
point of view.” Life can go on without you being understood.
9. I will listen sympathetically to my partner when she tells me about her day. This
means eye contact and turning “off,” not “muting” the T.V.
10. I will give no unsolicited advice to my wife or children.
11. I will avoid blaming family members for anything today, especially if it was their
fault. Remember, rageaholics love to feel righteous, which leads to serious out-of-control
problems.
12. I will avoid trying to make any family member understand anything.
13. I will avoid trying to convince my child or spouse that I am being fair.
14. I will look for an opportunity to sincerely praise everyone I live with, especially the
cat I don’t like.
15.15. I will humbly commit myself to removing my angry behaviors today as my
contribution toward a more peaceful world.

[AsktheAges]

PanicCured, what if you don't actually believe these things?:


There is a famous Anger Management teacher, Newton
4. I will find truth in all criticism directed toward me today, especially from my partner.
The emphasis is on listening and taking the criticism inside instead of attempting to
explain your point of view.
5. I will say, “You are right,” in a sincere meaningful way, when criticized.
This doesn’t give you permission to say, “You are right, BUT...”
8. I will avoid explaining myself in any way by saying, “I have no idea why I did that. It
doesn’t make any sense to me either. You don’t need to make sure she understands your
point of view.” Life can go on without you being understood.

I can be extremely passive when an upsetting or anger-provoking situation occurs. The result has mostly been that I've harboured long-standing obsessive resentments that have led me to punch the walls when I'm on my own at home. (To be clear, all of my wall-punching is done alone in private.)

[PanicCured]

I didn't write any of that, you know? I just happen to like what he wrote. The point he's making is if you are a rageholic and you follow his advice, you will lead a nice anger free life. Even if you don't believe it when you say "You're right" or "I'm sorry." The point is do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

This is not sexist in any way, but don't think you can reason with a woman like you could with your guy friends. This is a huge mistake to make if you want to have a peaceful relationship. You can't treat a woman like she is a man. They reason differently. Treat your girlfriend like she is a lady, not a dude.

If the fighting is so bad, you may want to reevaluate the relationship.

[AsktheAges]

I didn't write any of that, you know? I just happen to like what he wrote. The point he's making is if you are a rageholic and you follow his advice, you will lead a nice anger free life. Even if you don't believe it when you say "You're right" or "I'm sorry."

I'm not sure that's true. I think it could also just lead to slow-burning resentment.

[Slammed Vdub]

i was fine for a while. Its all coming back. Just in a wierd mood all the time. Nothing feels the same like its all lost. I get no happiness from anything i do now, i feel so bland and strange like nothing is real.

[AsktheAges]

I'm sorry, man. I think I know how it feels and it's awful. Have you tried automatic thought records or mindfulness?