lettinggoar
11-08-2011, 10:17 AM
Hi,
This is a hard subject but I feel like I need to someway get it all out. I was an only child with a lot of anxiety (I remember being scared at school and sleepovers). My parents divorced when I was around 3 and I lived with my mom and visited my dad on weekends. I dont remember a lot about my mom except for sleeping in the bed with her (because I was scared of the dark), and I remember some men she dated who sometimes scared me. She came from a large family, with 10 siblings, who all got together every weekend. When I was 10 years old, after I graduated from 6th grade, my mom sent me to stay with my dad and then commited suicide. She worked for a ob doctor and had access to all kinds of free samples and info on medications (but that wasnt the way she died). My dad had remarried some time before I moved in with him and I inherited three step siblings when all of this happpened. My dad is the most understanding man I know and he is just like me, we think the same, act the same, and I am very thankful that he was there for me, as was my step mom. After my moms death I remember laying in bed at my dads house for days, it was like a dream for a long time, then I started a new school and had to make new friends. Being almost 11yrs old, talking to anyone about what happened was very difficult and I felt like an outcast for a long time. I made some close friends and kept them around, I spoke to them a little bit about my "situation" but didnt really say much.
It was just easier to forget the past and move forward with the future, of course I had anger and confused feelings deep inside. After high school I moved out on my own and bought a cheap trailer with some of the money my mom had left for me and not long after I met my husband. We enjoyed going out dancing, out to eat, and always had something going on. About a year after we dated, I had my first real anxiety attack, I ended up going to the hospital thinking I was dying. It was horrible and it took months to get over (with the help of zoloft). I stayed on zoloft for a while and then stopped it. I remember my cousin telling me that my mom took zoloft or prozac, and that she also had a prescription for xanax that wasnt in her name. I stayed on zoloft 50mg for several years, my husband and I got married in 2003 and I had my first son in 2005, then I got off zoloft for a while with no problem. After I had my other son in 2007 I started feeling anxiety again so I got back on a very small 25mg dose and felt a little bit better. Well, fast forward to now, my family and I have moved to another state and have had a lot of changes within the past year, I have a good career and so does my husband, I work from home and my husband works close to home, we also just bought a house. When my husband and I had a fight several months back I ended up having another anxiety attack, this time it was different than the ones I used to have, I was terrified that if might end up like my mother. From that thought I couldnt get it out of my head, I worried that one day I might decide to do something like that. It is a very scary thought to have, but its also one that I have no solid explanation for. In the early 90's is when she passed, and a lot of the depression/anxiety medications were new and I think people didnt know the dangers of mixing them.
The only information I have received from my family is that she started acting visibly different and that everyone saw it for about 2 weeks. Im too scared to ask anyone in the family who was really close to her about what exactly happened for fear that it will cause them to relive the situation. For some reason, her boss (the ob dr) came to the house before it happened, but I dont know why. My cousin who was also 10 at the time said that she saw the car drive up and then leave at our house. I just have all of the bits of info in my head that I try to put together. I am now 29 years old and I have two sweet boys that I love with all my heart and I have a fear of hurting them like she did me. I know she did not intend to hurt me, but it feels that way when I look at my life. I have very supportive friends and family, and my husband has taken care of me during the hard times, but I cant help but wonder if I have the same brain chemistry and that maybe its something genentic that will just change in my head one day. In the past few days I have been worried that maybe she was bi polar or schitzofrenic or something like that, even though that doesnt run in her family. I have had no big problem dealing with this subject until recently, and then it just hit me. I think that maybe my brain has protected me from the trauma for so long and now that I have kids and a family I fear that I could end up going "crazy", even though I am not even sure that is what happened with her. The conclusions I have always had as to why it happened was that either 1) she mixed zoloft/prozac with other meds that caused a bad reaction in her brain 2) she was scared of something or someone 3) she had some sort of mental condition. Its killing me not knowing and it has been 18 years since this all happened, I dont know why I cant just let it go and let it be. I think its because my anxiety has found another way to scare me into believing its my fate as well. Anyone who can give me any peaceful and helpful advice on how to let this go and move on without worrying I would greatly appreciate it.
ps, the anxiety that I had when I was 18 and 19 was just basic anxiety attack (racing heart, feeling like something was wrong, irratible bowel) The anxiety I am having now is the racing thoughts from morning till night. Also, I have increased my zoloft to 37 mg, and I am hoping that it might be enough to be beneficial. I love my kids and I dont want to feel like I would ever leave them. I also keep worrying that I am going to get to a breaking point and have to go commit myself and then my kids will be without me. I know that would hurt them and confuse them too. I know that I would rather have them visit me in a mental home for a little while than to leave them forever. My oldest son is just like me and is anxious too and he needs me. I also have gotten over this before and felt better but It worries me that it has returned so quickly. I had been on generic zoloft for about 6 months and then when I read posts online about how generic isnt the same, I recently switched to name brand, but still only 25mg. I am hoping that the 37 mg will help. I just want to feel better again!
This is a hard subject but I feel like I need to someway get it all out. I was an only child with a lot of anxiety (I remember being scared at school and sleepovers). My parents divorced when I was around 3 and I lived with my mom and visited my dad on weekends. I dont remember a lot about my mom except for sleeping in the bed with her (because I was scared of the dark), and I remember some men she dated who sometimes scared me. She came from a large family, with 10 siblings, who all got together every weekend. When I was 10 years old, after I graduated from 6th grade, my mom sent me to stay with my dad and then commited suicide. She worked for a ob doctor and had access to all kinds of free samples and info on medications (but that wasnt the way she died). My dad had remarried some time before I moved in with him and I inherited three step siblings when all of this happpened. My dad is the most understanding man I know and he is just like me, we think the same, act the same, and I am very thankful that he was there for me, as was my step mom. After my moms death I remember laying in bed at my dads house for days, it was like a dream for a long time, then I started a new school and had to make new friends. Being almost 11yrs old, talking to anyone about what happened was very difficult and I felt like an outcast for a long time. I made some close friends and kept them around, I spoke to them a little bit about my "situation" but didnt really say much.
It was just easier to forget the past and move forward with the future, of course I had anger and confused feelings deep inside. After high school I moved out on my own and bought a cheap trailer with some of the money my mom had left for me and not long after I met my husband. We enjoyed going out dancing, out to eat, and always had something going on. About a year after we dated, I had my first real anxiety attack, I ended up going to the hospital thinking I was dying. It was horrible and it took months to get over (with the help of zoloft). I stayed on zoloft for a while and then stopped it. I remember my cousin telling me that my mom took zoloft or prozac, and that she also had a prescription for xanax that wasnt in her name. I stayed on zoloft 50mg for several years, my husband and I got married in 2003 and I had my first son in 2005, then I got off zoloft for a while with no problem. After I had my other son in 2007 I started feeling anxiety again so I got back on a very small 25mg dose and felt a little bit better. Well, fast forward to now, my family and I have moved to another state and have had a lot of changes within the past year, I have a good career and so does my husband, I work from home and my husband works close to home, we also just bought a house. When my husband and I had a fight several months back I ended up having another anxiety attack, this time it was different than the ones I used to have, I was terrified that if might end up like my mother. From that thought I couldnt get it out of my head, I worried that one day I might decide to do something like that. It is a very scary thought to have, but its also one that I have no solid explanation for. In the early 90's is when she passed, and a lot of the depression/anxiety medications were new and I think people didnt know the dangers of mixing them.
The only information I have received from my family is that she started acting visibly different and that everyone saw it for about 2 weeks. Im too scared to ask anyone in the family who was really close to her about what exactly happened for fear that it will cause them to relive the situation. For some reason, her boss (the ob dr) came to the house before it happened, but I dont know why. My cousin who was also 10 at the time said that she saw the car drive up and then leave at our house. I just have all of the bits of info in my head that I try to put together. I am now 29 years old and I have two sweet boys that I love with all my heart and I have a fear of hurting them like she did me. I know she did not intend to hurt me, but it feels that way when I look at my life. I have very supportive friends and family, and my husband has taken care of me during the hard times, but I cant help but wonder if I have the same brain chemistry and that maybe its something genentic that will just change in my head one day. In the past few days I have been worried that maybe she was bi polar or schitzofrenic or something like that, even though that doesnt run in her family. I have had no big problem dealing with this subject until recently, and then it just hit me. I think that maybe my brain has protected me from the trauma for so long and now that I have kids and a family I fear that I could end up going "crazy", even though I am not even sure that is what happened with her. The conclusions I have always had as to why it happened was that either 1) she mixed zoloft/prozac with other meds that caused a bad reaction in her brain 2) she was scared of something or someone 3) she had some sort of mental condition. Its killing me not knowing and it has been 18 years since this all happened, I dont know why I cant just let it go and let it be. I think its because my anxiety has found another way to scare me into believing its my fate as well. Anyone who can give me any peaceful and helpful advice on how to let this go and move on without worrying I would greatly appreciate it.
ps, the anxiety that I had when I was 18 and 19 was just basic anxiety attack (racing heart, feeling like something was wrong, irratible bowel) The anxiety I am having now is the racing thoughts from morning till night. Also, I have increased my zoloft to 37 mg, and I am hoping that it might be enough to be beneficial. I love my kids and I dont want to feel like I would ever leave them. I also keep worrying that I am going to get to a breaking point and have to go commit myself and then my kids will be without me. I know that would hurt them and confuse them too. I know that I would rather have them visit me in a mental home for a little while than to leave them forever. My oldest son is just like me and is anxious too and he needs me. I also have gotten over this before and felt better but It worries me that it has returned so quickly. I had been on generic zoloft for about 6 months and then when I read posts online about how generic isnt the same, I recently switched to name brand, but still only 25mg. I am hoping that the 37 mg will help. I just want to feel better again!