Professional worried that anxiety will ruin my carreer

[Roux]

I am new to this board. I have been dealing with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks off and on through out my whole life. Recently things have gotten worse, and the stakes much higher. I am currently in my second year or residency in pathology well the constant feeling of being (pardon the pun) under the microscopic and judged on how I perform is really getting to me. Once I started residency my anxiety went up due mainly to the pressure and expectations. So I started to see a psychologist changed my medication:
I have been on 20mg of paxil for years then I went to 40mg of paxil. When that didn't cut it I was switched to presiq+buspar which made my anxiety go WAY WAY up (to the point all I could do was sit in bed and cry) then to paxil+abilify which seemed to work until I started getting akathisia ("antsy restless feeling") then I was switched to prozac+buspar. Well I think I know what made me crazy anxious the first time (i think buspar) because I have been a ball of anxiety for the last two days. Buspar seems to be the only common thread here. The problem I have is it seems like everything I do only makes my anxiety, worry, depression worse. I really am beginning to think that I am stuck like this. So my options are fight through the rest of residency (and be miserable), quit (and be miserable and broke with huge student loans), or find some freaking med combination that works. I guess I am wondering does this sound right? Is it just me or is it the medication? I at times almost feel like I am broken and I can be fixed. I think I would trade almost any physical disease condition for just being free from my anxiety. I truly hate this about myself. I could really use any and all help/opinions. I am getting to the point of giving up on my career all because of anxiety.

[Brad72]

Mate sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. Anxiety need not ruin you career. I am an engineer, scientist and company director. Sure my anxiety can be horrible at times but that hasn't stopped me getting to where I am today.

What I have found after so many years of anxiety is that I had forgotten what normal reaction to stress and pressure are. For example, recently for 6 weeks I was on call 24/6 and was getting call outs at all hours. I was incredibly tired, understandably and for once my anxiety did not peak as a I knew that anyone in my situation would be stressed. Previously I would have gone to bed panicking that I would get a call during the night but not this time. I told myself that even if I weren't on call I could still get woken in the middle of the night by for eg a family member getting sick or something totally unrelated. I have realised that it is ok to get stressed, tired, happy, angry, frustrated and sad. Do these mean I need to get anxiety with those feeling and emotions, no, because they are just normal feelings and emotions.

Medication, well I went off that many many years ago as for me it did nothing but make me feel worse. My problems were psychological and a tablet would not fix my distorted thinking and schema's that I had grown up with. I was lucky enough to find a therapist the used Schema and ACT therapy, with Mindfullness techniques and CBT thrown in. I use the mindfullness techniques daily and have not had a panic attack in months. The biggest issue is for anxiety sufferers is ignoring the anxiety mind an it's constant doom and gloom ramblings and retrain ourselves so to speak to only acknowledge helpful thoughts. It does take practice but just like anxiety roped you in to it's way of thinking, we just take the power back.

Think of your anxiety mind is like a radio that is stuck on the constant doom and gloom station. You could stay in the room and listening to the radio and feeling awful, or you could go outside into the fresh air and sunshine and enjoy youself. You have't tried to stop the anxiety radio as you can probably still hear the doom and gloom station in the background but now your main focus is on how beautiful the world is. You haven't stopped the anxiety thoughts, you are just not giving them your attention. Think of it like someone who has a Grandfather clock that chimes every 15 minutes. I bet they never even notice the chimes, but a visitor will hear every one and think how annoying that must be. The person living with the clock hasn't stopped the chiming, they jut don't pay is any attention. This is an example of how mindfullness works and it really helps to stop the struggle with unhelpful anxiety thoughts.

I personally think seeing another psychologist would be really helpful for you. My thought has always been that if your car or TV broke down you would not hesitate to get it fixed so your mind should be no different. Remember also that anxiety is just thoughts and is great at telling you terrible stories. You are much stronger that you think and will get better, regardless of what anxiety tries to tell you. I am sure you will succeed with your studies and have a wonderful career. Keep in mind to that everyone has bad days, whether they have anxiety or not.

[jar4u]

Wow Brad72,

What an inspiring write up....All that you wrote are so true and is exactly what people like us need to do....Even i practice most of what you have written down....Even i have learnt to totally ignore my anxiety sensations during stressful situations and around people at work of travelling...The less i pay attention to anxiety the better i feel....But the sensations of chest tightness and head and ear pressure, Hearing Heart beat in my ears are constantly present.....I have learnt not to fear it...But the consatant presence of them from past several months even after accepting them and not paying heed....Have not made them retreat...So now my irritations is the sheer presence of these sensations and not the sensations themselves....This is whats pissing me off...Also i m not on any meds....And have never taken them earlier....I tried a lot of natural and homeopathic meds which helped me a lot but still the annoying sensations come back when i get some negative news and when i m around any negative situations.......

I m seriously thinking to get some meds for my current situiations as i know everything else in the anxiety book....As how to control it but dont know how to stop these silly, scary and annoying sensations.....So i think i will have to experiment with some low dosage meds.....Meeting a doctor tomorrow!!!!!

[Roux]

Thanks for the thoughts guys. I find myself wondering when I am anxious, like now, is it me or is this the medication? I have read that Buspar can have a withdrawal period where you experience increased anxiety. I'm not sure if that is true or not but it seems every morning I am a ball of stress and anxiety. I guess I am hoping that some one else has had this as well and I guess just knowing that it is finite and not forever might make me feel better. I can't concentrate on anything right now and its just so damn frustrating. Today we had a conference this morning (kind of a teaching thing) and just looking at my peers I feel like I am stuck here stressed out and all I can do is watch them pass me by. I hate not having control of this. The feeling of free falling and at the mercy of my thoughts is maddening.

I am also seeing a therapist and we were working with CBT however we weren't making much head way. Recently we switched to the ACT therapy, which makes sense to me, however currently I cant even think straight enough to work with that. I really believe that I need something (medication wise) however I just feel like I keep finding the wrong medications or ones that make me even more "crazy".

On top of all of this I feel horrible because I know I have a good life, I have an amazing wife and my wife and I are expecting our first child. I should be thrilled but I just can't get past my own damn anxiety to enjoy the things in my life. I feel like I have worked my whole life to get here and now that I am here anxiety is stealing this life from me. God I hope it is just the medication talking.

[Question]

Thanks for the thoughts guys. I find myself wondering when I am anxious, like now, is it me or is this the medication? I have read that Buspar can have a withdrawal period where you experience increased anxiety. I'm not sure if that is true or not but it seems every morning I am a ball of stress and anxiety. I guess I am hoping that some one else has had this as well and I guess just knowing that it is finite and not forever might make me feel better. I can't concentrate on anything right now and its just so damn frustrating. Today we had a conference this morning (kind of a teaching thing) and just looking at my peers I feel like I am stuck here stressed out and all I can do is watch them pass me by. I hate not having control of this. The feeling of free falling and at the mercy of my thoughts is maddening.

I am also seeing a therapist and we were working with CBT however we weren't making much head way. Recently we switched to the ACT therapy, which makes sense to me, however currently I cant even think straight enough to work with that. I really believe that I need something (medication wise) however I just feel like I keep finding the wrong medications or ones that make me even more "crazy".

On top of all of this I feel horrible because I know I have a good life, I have an amazing wife and my wife and I are expecting our first child. I should be thrilled but I just can't get past my own damn anxiety to enjoy the things in my life. I feel like I have worked my whole life to get here and now that I am here anxiety is stealing this life from me. God I hope it is just the medication talking.

I totally know how you feel. I had a horrible panic attack (I think it was) 6 months ago right when I was at the beginning of possibly starting a relationship (after 4 years of being single) and a few months from leaving on a Fellowship overseas to study and for a job in the future. I'm in therapy, taking medication, still helping somewhat but not totally solved. I have to go overseas (far far away) its an excellent opportunity and have to let them know if I'm going to be able to go again or talk about another postponment. It's a $20,000 fellowship and priority in hiring. I don't want to lose this, (professional opportunity, ability to be with someone again) because I've been waiting to so long and put so much in to it. I know I have anxiety, depression, and diagnosed by one therapist as having panic disorder but I really do believe I have some other condition described by a therapist who was right on the mark explaining exactly how I was feeling a year ago. I'm going in for a CT scan tomorrow just to check if there's something physically wrong me but I don't think so. I want to be a able to live life and go far and don't want this to hold me back. I'm leveling off now I think but I still need to keep on going for my goals because they mean so much to me and I put so much into getting where/what I have now even probably my mental health just to get there not to just get it taken away. I won't let it. Best of luck. Anxiety will not ruin your life! I'm not going to let it ruin mine. Sometimes I wish I had another medical condition like my arm chopped off or something rather than having all this mental drama!

[Roux]

Well things have changed recently. I have been put on leave to try to get my anxiety under control. I think the anxiety I am currently having is akathisia like symptoms from either buspar or paxil. I am still on the paxil and I have been off the buspar for about 17 days and every morning that I wake up i feel like my whole body is shaking. It is really hard to differentiate this as anxiety or from akathisia (restlessness) like symptoms. I just dont know what to do, I cant live like this.

[Ziggy925]

Everybody reacts differently to different meds, which is why there are so many, aside from the patent and greed factor. Anyway, it's true that anxiety is caused by lots of negative thoughts, but it's true that those thoughts can be amplified by chemical imbalances in the brain which can often be helped by meds. And, the initial side-effects of those meds can be horrible for the first two or three weeks unless capped with benzos or some other drug.

My experience has been to hang in there and you will find something that works. I just can't tell you which med or combination of meds will work for you. My niece hit it with one. Took me four.