Worrying about love and whether it exists.

[CharlieR]

So I'm 18, yeah, I know that's young to be worrying about love, but hear me out. I have never had a serious relationship, my dad died when I was 12 and screwed up any chance of me having a normal teenage life. I got depressed, missed school completely and gained like 10 stone (up to 22st - 308 pounds, down to 19st now, around 266 pounds) and lost all of my confidence.

I'm at college now and I'm slowly getting my confidence back, although I'm still dealing with anxiety (I take propranolol to keep myself level and calm), but I'm a different person now, before I was a happy little kid who wanted to be an actor, I loved people looking at me, now I can't think of anything worse. I much prefer my own company, time alone to write etc. But I'm not a hermit, I live to make people laugh, if people don't laugh/warm to me quickly then I feel like I've failed.

I've been told I'm attractive under the fat (apparently a fat Tom Welling, but I don't see it, judge for yourself if you like: www . twitter . com / chuckieroberts), but I feel like I'll never be attractive again. I'm losing weight but it's coming off slowly - and I don't think I'll ever be happy with myself again because this is how I'll always see myself.

It'd be nice to believe all that stuff about personality being more important than looks, maybe it is to some people (it definitely is to me), but nobody wants to have sex with somebody like me. I know I wouldn't - being fat is unhealthy and disgusting, and people constantly look at you and make judgements, like i'm fat because I'm lazy or greedy, I'm neither of those things.

I'm still a virgin (obviously), and I don't think this is completely down to my weight. My confidence is so low, I don't believe anybody could ever love me - I can't talk to people on their own, especially girls (although I'm fine in small crowds), and I always second guess everything I do, like I'm determined to make myself unhappy.

I can't see myself asking somebody out - I'd throw up, or have a panic attack, or a nosebleed or something stupid like that (I got a nosebleed on my driving test - still passed...), and now I just feel like I'll never be happy.

Yes, I want to lose my virginity, I'm a teenager, but all I really want is someone to cuddle. I see my friends with their partners, giggling and laughing like they're the only two people in the world. That's all I want, somebody to make an intimate connection with.

Sorry for the essay, I don't expect anybody to read it, and I don't really know what I'm expecting to come of this. I guess I just needed to type it out to vent.

If you did read this, you're great :)

[alankay]

Yep, sounds like you got behind the 8 ball a little by what happened to you losing you dad, etc. I also use propranolol but that only helps with the body symptoms(racing heart/shaking) of anxiety. It doesn't really sound like you have a anxiety disorder but are wrestling with the long term effects on esteem by the difficult part of the important adolescent part of your childhood. This can be overcome I think. Have you met with your GP to discus a trial of say zoloft, celexa or other ssri? It could help you be less self conscious and socially inhibited as I did for me. Also less anxious. Keep using the propranolol. I bet like me you beat yourself up over all this and feel no one else has problems like you. We all have problems in different shapes and forms. Ours is abit of social anxiety. I'm sure talking to a counselor would help as well. I did and am glad I did way back when I first developed anxiety at 18(I'm 48 now). I will tell you this. Women are more forgiving than men when it comes to weight. But you should lose weight for all the good reasons in addition to being more attractive to women. Higher self esteem, more energy, less likely to develop all the other health issues that, as you get older maybe related to being too heavy. If escitalopram(lexapro) is available in the UK it's good ssri and usually doesn't lead to weight gain. Citalopram(celaxa) also doesn't have a bad rap in that respect. Zoloft is also good as a first ssri to try. You may even benefit from a fairly low dose to start with. They helped me and in you case once you gain some confidence in the social area you could just discontinue the ssri as see how it goes from there. Practice talking to strangers this way. Go for a walk and your bound to come up to someone walking their dog, compliment them on the pooch and mention how well behaved and/or good looking the dog is. Then let it go. Next time verify the breed and sex("ahh that's a girl terrier right", nice looking dog you have there") just to add to the conversation then leave it. Over time your conversations may become longer and even more fun. REMEMBER the DOG is the CENTER of the conversation here! Same goes for cars, phones, etc, if your more into other common things. It just helps if YOUR not the center of the conversation to start. Over time you become desensitized to interacting with people. Then practice looking folks in the eyes and focusing on the LOGIC/CONTENT of the conversation, not the fact that you're talking. THE LOGIC. It will distract you from concentrating of what the other person may be thinking, etc, and this will all help increase you confidence and comfort level socially. As you work on all this your esteem will pick up as you realize your making up and healing from the past. Making progress to overcoming that bad part of your life and going forward healthier!!! Message me any time mate!!

[Persephone]

Hey there, I'm 16 and I understand exactly how you feel. When I was 7 something really bad happened, and continued to happen until I was 10, but i won't go into the particulars. It really screwed me up basically and after that, when I was going into Grammar School I started putting on weight. I am heavier than most of my friends, but I'm learning to get over that. My problem is the fear that no one will ever love me, and i understand how self degrading it can be when you look in the mirror and hate what you see. Then when you get that thought in your head it lasts all day, all night? It sometimes gets so bad you don't sleep, have really really bad dreams or just want to lie in bed and cry? I understand that the fear of never being loved can be so powerful it stops you doing a lot of things, including things that will give you a chance to meet people. If you ever want to talk, message me. I don't mind at all and you'll probably be doing me a favour. Don't worry about the 'essay' haha, i do that too, sometimes it just needs to come out. Rambling does the world of good, and your post wasn't even rambling it was perfectly normal compared to how far i go on sometimes haha. Hope you start to feel better and just give me a buzz if you wanna talk :)
Mary x

[nowglad]

Just before I met the love of my life, I began to imagine her. I thought more and more about what our dates would be like. Our conversations would be relaxed and fun. She would suit my desires. My mind ran away from me. Then a few months later my heart followed.