anxiety sufferer with a bpd parent

[babymuscles]

Hi,

I have suffered from anxiety for the last 10 years and did everything I could to bury it it, hide it and all around run from it. This past month it got so bad that I couldn't stand to be at my job, I felt like others were staring at me, and could see my thoughts, and that in general I was losing my grip on everything. I didn't even feel safe/normal in church.

So I did some online research and found a Christian Counselor, licensed LMC, to help me out. I've been seeing her once a week for the last month, and in that time frame we've found some of the triggers for my anxiety and why I have these issues to begin with.

In a nutshell I was raised my overbearing parents, mom in particular, who it appears suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. I figured that out on my own once she talked to me about the "death of my inner child", that phrase left such an impression on me, that I needed to find out more and it brought to the BPD explanation. I'm reading a wonderful book called "Surviving a Parent with Borderline Personality".

Sorry if it seems like I'm rambling, I'm still trying to sort all this out for myself. I'm 31, have a full time job and have lived on my own for the last 8 years, and the idea that the "child" in me is still around is a new idea to me. The child in me is the one who is suffering because of my upbringing in a negative, overbearing household.

Basically my anxiety is being triggered by the high expectations in the public education world, the high expectations I hold for myself, and the idea that every man in my life ends up leaving me , so I'm terrified of losing the one I've got now. All of these fears were instilled in me by my borderline parent.

The only emotions I allow myself are fear and anger because of the climate I grew up in, and anything else is buried and tucked away because I feel I don't deserve it.

Positive feelings like empathy and compassion started surfacing at the beginning of this school year and it was more than I could handle, and I really feel like I truly love the man in my life and that was definitely more than I could handle, based on previous emotionally abusive relationships with men, and these emotions sent me into high gear anxiety wise,and that's when I put myself into counseling a month ago...

Thank you for reading and I hope my story can help you in some way, even if it's just "I feel the same way. I'm not alone".

[Brad72]

I have done quite a lot of work with my inner child and the Schema's that I had set up for myself. Schema therapy is excellent where issues of upbringing and childhood experiences are concerned.

My psych has taken me back quite a few times with my to my inner child and I felt what I felt back then. It felt pretty terrifying but I was able to reassure my inner child as an adult that what I felt and experienced was not my fault because I was just a child and it was ok to feel what I was feeling. There were things that I had buried so to speak that I was able to bring closure to as an adult. It's quite freaky how it works but the results are very powerful.

I should say it's not about blame it's about fixing the distortions that the child brain had to experiences. An example might be a child blaming him or her self for the divorce of his parents which might lead to abandonment problems as an adult. Or the overprotected child having problems with hypochondria and agoraphobia.

[PanicCured]

You should be very pleased at how much insight you have gained about yourself. I hope you express yourself well to the therapist.

[babymuscles]

Thank you Brad and PanicCured.

I've been seeing my counselor for a month now and I am beginning to understand where my feelings are coming from, but have yet to come to terms with the fact that it is the child in me needing and seeking acceptance. I have however come to see that past relationships in my life within the last 10 years are mirror images of the relationship that I have with my mother. My last boyfriend and my last personal trainer were overbearing, emotionally abusive men and I'm starting to realize that I blamed myself for their behavior. I wasn't a good enough/supportive enough girlfriend while he was in the police academy, or I wasn't the best client during my figure contest prep, I was tired, surly and argumentative, so I deserved to get yelled at by the man I paid $300/month too.

I have moments of clarity where I realize that the emotional abuse I have suffered over the years is because of others insecurities, usually when I am with my counselor, then I go home and second guess myself and tell myself it wasn't that bad, my mother, my trainer, my ex b/f weren't bad people. I couldn't possible have misjudged them that badly could I?

But the reality is that the climate I grew up in causes my self doubt and anxiety. The rational part of me knows this, but the emotional side of me still makes excuses for my mom and dad on some level and every year I fly back from FL to RI and I tell myself it's going to be better. I'm older. They're older. We can't possibly fight and argue this year, but it's always a replay of my teenage years. Last year I was told if I was going to be such a bitch to my mother, then don't come home anymore. With my counselor's help I have decided not to go this year, but not seeing the rest of my family and friends will hurt.

I came home last night from a practice session for my black best test to a message from my mom to call her and I had a major anxiety attack all night. Heart racing, tightness in chest, sour stomach, and it effectively ruined my night, because I know the next phone conversation we have about me not coming home is going to be a battle, and it shouldn't be. I am 31 with a life, job and career of my own. I am trying so hard to realize that my life and my decisions are my own.

For example I am an 8th grade teacher and have been teaching for 8 years and every year is miserable for me. Admin and parents emotionally abuse me and threaten me to get their way. It has been so bad in fact, that last year I had to send my Union rep in to handle the situation, but on some level I always believe that I deserve the negative attention and lack of respect that I receive in my profession, but I am good at what I do. For years I have wanted to change careers and I hold onto it because my parents paid for my degree and I feel like I owe them, that's how unconditional their love is,was and has always been....

Dealing with all of this is work and I WILL WORK IT OUT. I need to feel safe in my own skin again...

[Brad72]

Such a familiar story. My Brother and father are, to put it politely pricks. They have no conscience or tact, they cannot see that what they say and do can be hurtful, belittling or just plain wrong. My mother, who passed away earlier this year was the person who ran around after them clearing up the emotional mess so to speak. She was the most caring and loving person I have ever known and I miss her so much, but people think i am very much like her so that is nice.

The final straw for me was when my brother emotionally attacked my wife and my father rang me every day accusing me of things I had not done and generally treating me like an child (I am 39 for the record). I was so angry I could not even breath, yet alone talk. My anxiety, which wasn't too bad prior to that peaked to new heights. So back to the Psych which in the end turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Amongst many anxiety problems we sorted out I realised is that I cannot change either of them. If they cannot see that how they act is wrong, they will not change. I don't see my father much any more and that's fine by me. It is going to take me quite some time to deal with the hurt he has caused me but to be honest it is no great loss. It's the same with my brother. I confronted him, in a calm manner some months ago and told him just how I feel when he talks to me, how he talks to others and his wife. I used the example of a man we know who has a particularly toxic personality (an arshole) and I think he got a rude shock. He has improved but I still don't like being around him.

I have found that people with anxiety usually are very caring people. This does lead us to vulnerability but what I realised is that it doesn't matter who likes me, how many friends I have, or how people can make me feel as long as I am living a life that is congruent to my core values. These are loving my wife and kids, doing my best in the things i do and helping others. The friends I have are close and I can trust them. Some know about my anxiety and others don't. I have my own family that I focus my attention on. I also know that what happened as a child and teenager were not my fault. I didn't have the wisdom and understanding of an adult so how could I have known any different

There are and always will be people out there with toxic ugly souls. I just understand now that it is there problem, not mine and I will not change to suit them. I can now say no to things I don't want to do without that horrible rush of anxiety. The moment someone tells you you're not good enough, is the moment you know you are better than them.

Best of luck. You are certainly on the right track. Here's a little affirmation I quite like:

"The past is over and done and has no power over me. I can begin to be free in this moment. Today's thoughts create my future. I am in change. I now take my own power back. I am safe, I am free"

[babymuscles]

Thank you Brad for sharing. I'm having a better time now that I realize while my family life is not normal, I am not the only one who has suffered through such behavior from a parent.

Had a run in with mom last night over the phone. In a nutshell my mom mails me stuff every time she cleans out a closet at home in RI. The most recent box contained my winter coat from when I was a teenager. Who needs that in Florida? Now I've asked numerous time in the past that she check with me before mailing things. She does it anyway. Basically she hung up on me crying last night because I wasn't grateful she thought of me and mailed me stuff I didn't need. I didn't yell, I didn't fight, but I was up all night feeling guilty and upset because,

1. I made her cry. ( I did not apologize for asking her to be more considerate of what she dropped in the mail)
2. I know my dad will be mad at me for making her cry and I am not there to defend myself.

Reading the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent" at least names and details my moms behaviors for me, but I haven't gotten to the point yet where I can accept them and realize that I am not always to blame for her actions....

[babymuscles]

I read a chapter last night about the anger that children with borderline parents harbor. I know I have anger in me at my mom, my dad and even my brother, but what I didn't realize was the different definitions of anger. I always associated anger with violence and yelling and fighting. I didn't realize that bitterness, sarcasm, dread, and criticism of myself and others also fall into the anger category. I am guilty of all those categories. The positive side is that now I can identify where my anger comes from and work through it.

I've also come to realize how much my anger infects my day to day interaction with people. Friends that I have now told me there were afraid of me when they first met me because I was so hostile. Sometimes my students are afraid to raise their hands and ask a questions because I seem so bitter and critical....What I'm starting to see, especially in terms of my students, is how different my childhood was from theirs. My parents were not encouraging, caring and concerned, which I see a lot of in the conferences that I go to...

School was my job and I had to perform, and if I didn't I was allowed to fail no questions asked. I can't think of one time when they scheduled a conference to see how I was doing as a child. I also see fewer cliques and torment among my students...They are nice too each other for the most part and have very few cliques among them. I was the silent, lonely outcast because my self esteem was so low. I was an angry depressed teen, whose parents always said things like " what's your problem?, Why are you so bitchy? what's the matter with you, I didn't do anything to you? or my favorite, when are you going to stop being such a bitch?" When that is what you constantly hear from home, then you internalize it and assume everyone else sees the same thing, and that you are a bitch and who would want to talk to or be friends with you?

I should mention here that paranoia and intrusive thoughts are what sent me running to find a counselor, and what I am starting to understand is that these traits are the ultimate symptoms of untreated anxiety and depression. I am almost glad that they surfaced, so that I deal with it and move on and change my job and have healthy relationships in my life. At first I was terrified of my feelings,and I then I realized that I needed to have them so I could have a future. I very much want to enjoy my job again, to get married and have children, and to be able to interact with my family without fighting.

Goals for the future:
to let go of a job that makes me miserable
to accept my b/f for he is and not hold him accountable for the past betrayals in my life
to go back to parents house and interact with my parents as an adult instead of a terrified child