Just introducing myself..

[yourebeautifulalways]

My name is Angelina. I'm 18 years old. I believe I have depression and anxiety, although I've never been truly diagnosed yet. I go to my first psychiatrist this coming up week. Does anyone else just look in the mirror and wonder why their life can't be like others? Why can't you wake up smiling, be pleased of what you see in the mirror, not be scared of the world etc.. I also have images that run through my head of me being in accidents or dying and my funeral. I'll daydream about it all day, although I don't know why. I use to be that girl that didn't have a care in the world and smiled at everything. Not anymore. My anxiety began at its worst when my uncle died a year and 4 months ago. Before he died I would go to my aunts house (my uncle's sister) to see him every weekend to take care of him with my mom and brother for 6 years (he was paralyzed from a wreck with an 18-wheeler.) that's why we had to take care of him. We were very close and it killed me when he died the way he did. I didn't get to say goodbye and for my own selfish reasons didn't go see him for a month before it happened. I blame myself for that everyday. My mom got diagnosed with cancer a year after he died and we're going through the motions of that right now. I'm not able to go to an actual school because of medical issues with me & my anxiety so I'm home bound (a teacher comes to me). I lost all of my friends for the simple reason that my mom doesn't let me go out with my friends no matter how hard I try and make her let me, so I finally gave up. I still do not know how to drive and I'm 18. I'm not allowed outside by myself. I barley get any fresh-air considering I don't get out of the house ever. This gave me major depression. I feel like my family isn't proud of me and I'm just a burden. I worry about everything and have panic attacks over anything and it's ruining my life. My dad doesn't want me to see a doctor for it because he believes they'll try and put you in a mental hospital (my mom feels the same.) I also recently started feeling like everything I eat feels disgusting inside, so I either try and get rid of it, or starve myself. & of course my weight started being involved even though I believe I don't have a problem with it. I also only get 2-3 hours of sleep at night because I'm afraid something will happen if I fall asleep. I just needed to get this all out. I've tried to tell my parents I have suicidal thoughts but they just say why. I'm sorry it's so long. I couldn't dare let my parents know this. They would laugh, and never believe me. I just don't know why I'm here. Nothing good ever happens.

[rjisinspired]

Hi Angelina.

Sometimes it takes a while before getting a response. They will come.

At times I'll look in the mirror and not like what I see. I lack confidence in myself and because I have certain conditions that makes me feel a little more disgusted with myself. Over years I have learned not to take myself with as much disgust. It gets better.

Growing up I always was quiet and couldn't, no matter how I tried, be really a part of the group of friends. Trying to always made matters worse and it was obvious since I was different from the rest, as it was and still is to this day. I would see people smiling and laughing. My smiles and laughs were more internal and never showed.

When I was 16 I was scared about dying. At present I think about it once in a great while and because I have an anxiety disorder it can freak me out. I have learned how to snap out of that mode, again takes time.

I'm sorry to hear of your uncle. I have lost many family members and friends to the point that I will never go to anymore funerals. I miss my uncles, grandmother and a few cousins and especially friends who were taken much too early. I felt bad for not paying as much attention when my grandmother was going downhill. Sometimes we don't get to say the things we would like to or do what we could have. You're not alone.

I know a friend of mine who learned how to drive later on in life. She'll be getting her license soon and she's 38. It's never too late.

The part about not being able to see your friends is a bit disheartening. Sounds like overprotection to me but I don't know the situation. If they're good friends, and your 18, then I would still be on that with them for your space.

By seeing a doctor you shouldn't worry about being committed. It's an outlet to get some stuff out there. Talking to a psychiatrist and/or therapist can/does help. Medicine works for some people but not everyone. Just be aware that some doctors will push medicine your way. It's your decision in the end to take them or not.

Sometimes I wish I was younger then I could correct the mistakes that I had made and possibly change some events. Knowing then what I know now. Would be nice until it dawns on you that nothing is perfect and other things can and will happen, anyway, if one was to go back in time and retry. Something else new will come along.

I wish you the best at your upcoming appointment.

[Slammed Vdub]

I always look at myself wondering why... "why me?" I would love to be normal,, i don't remember what normal feels like anymore. Only a few of my friends know about this. I have been diagnosed with OCD, GAD, and DP. I have been prescribed medicine but i have never taken a pill. Counseling really does help ALOT. None of my friends know about it, im a huge car guy (19 years old) im in car shows and am pretty popular around here ( not being cocky) but i hide it all when im in front of my friends. This is the sad part, if i dont tell someone "ill see you later," or "ill teext you when i get home," i feel like something will happen. I have very bad health anxiety which gives me constant head pressure and chest pain. I cant go out to eat, and i dont like big crowds i dont know. You are NOT alone in this. Many suffer and it all takes time to find what works for you.