Penny Jo
10-08-2011, 07:36 PM
Hi All
Am sorry this is so long. I've been reading these forums for 2 hours and am overwhelmed, happy, sad and relieved with the fact that I am not the only one feeling like this.
Am a 32 year old female in UK. I am currently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and am taking citalopram and propranolol (40mg each every day) and have had the first of 20 sessions of psychotherapy. I started with just depression but the anxiety has crept in and is now the over-riding issue and is taking over my life. I am signed off work, scared of being alone and being with people, scared of the tv, scared of sleeping but mostly am terrified that I have gone mad and that what I believe to be reality is actually not. So many of the posts on here ring true with me, especially the intrusive thoughts - I am really struggling this week and my mind keeps thinking of harming myself or imagining me being in accidents - this is also the theme of about 3 dreams evry night. I in no way condone self harm in any way at all, it is a terrible, misunderstood thing which is why I'm not keen to talk about it BUT so many others on here have been so honest, I know I have to be. Last night something triggered me into a panic attack and i felt so weak and incapable that I harmed. i scared myself stupid. it was as if i left my body and watched me do it, i totally lost control. I did not want to do it and did not get anything positive from it but my 'thoughts' were telling me to do it more to punish myself for not being able to cope. thankfully i finally called a friend who took me to hospital but i didn't get to see a psychiatrist as freaked out at the thought of being put away and left. I am freaked out as I read some posts on here about intrusive thoughts and everyone seemed to say that they were thoughts and that by being worried about them happening meant like they were not likely to be actioned on - but I did and I don't understand why i did and so many others didn't. i feel like a failure. I am so ashamed of myself today, but am mostly not simply scared of turning the tv off and going to bed (where I seem to be at my worst) I am now terrified because the other intrusive thought that goes round my head all the time is jumping off the pier into the sea and i'm terrified that the next time i panic i will act on it. sure i want this to stop and for my head to slow down and i would love to go to sleep for ages and wake up when this is over but i dont want to harm myself in any way. the Dr told me that someone should be with me all weekend but i don't feel able to ask anyone to come (live on my own). I am so scared and feel like I am alone in the world.
I don;t even know why I just wrote all of that, I think I just need to know that there are people who I can reach out to at any time of the day who understand and won't say 'just pull yourself together'.
Thanks for reading this far, sorry it's a long one
Jo
Am sorry this is so long. I've been reading these forums for 2 hours and am overwhelmed, happy, sad and relieved with the fact that I am not the only one feeling like this.
Am a 32 year old female in UK. I am currently diagnosed with depression and anxiety and am taking citalopram and propranolol (40mg each every day) and have had the first of 20 sessions of psychotherapy. I started with just depression but the anxiety has crept in and is now the over-riding issue and is taking over my life. I am signed off work, scared of being alone and being with people, scared of the tv, scared of sleeping but mostly am terrified that I have gone mad and that what I believe to be reality is actually not. So many of the posts on here ring true with me, especially the intrusive thoughts - I am really struggling this week and my mind keeps thinking of harming myself or imagining me being in accidents - this is also the theme of about 3 dreams evry night. I in no way condone self harm in any way at all, it is a terrible, misunderstood thing which is why I'm not keen to talk about it BUT so many others on here have been so honest, I know I have to be. Last night something triggered me into a panic attack and i felt so weak and incapable that I harmed. i scared myself stupid. it was as if i left my body and watched me do it, i totally lost control. I did not want to do it and did not get anything positive from it but my 'thoughts' were telling me to do it more to punish myself for not being able to cope. thankfully i finally called a friend who took me to hospital but i didn't get to see a psychiatrist as freaked out at the thought of being put away and left. I am freaked out as I read some posts on here about intrusive thoughts and everyone seemed to say that they were thoughts and that by being worried about them happening meant like they were not likely to be actioned on - but I did and I don't understand why i did and so many others didn't. i feel like a failure. I am so ashamed of myself today, but am mostly not simply scared of turning the tv off and going to bed (where I seem to be at my worst) I am now terrified because the other intrusive thought that goes round my head all the time is jumping off the pier into the sea and i'm terrified that the next time i panic i will act on it. sure i want this to stop and for my head to slow down and i would love to go to sleep for ages and wake up when this is over but i dont want to harm myself in any way. the Dr told me that someone should be with me all weekend but i don't feel able to ask anyone to come (live on my own). I am so scared and feel like I am alone in the world.
I don;t even know why I just wrote all of that, I think I just need to know that there are people who I can reach out to at any time of the day who understand and won't say 'just pull yourself together'.
Thanks for reading this far, sorry it's a long one
Jo