Hi my names michael and i need someone to help me and to talk to

[mikeyboi]

ok so im scared of spilling my heart out but i know this is a safe place.

i had depression four years ago (im 21 now) and fought it off, started working with kids with special needs, felt happy, went to the gym, got muscular (one of my coping mechanisms) and started fighting to get a visa to go to the USA which is where alot of my family are to get away from never seeing my parents in england and working to make just enough to get by (even though i was literally killing myself) the work i did helped alot, i worked with all kinds of learning difficulties at a school with children around the ages of 5-18.

For the last ten days ive had extreme anxiety and it comes mostly in the morning and my ego starts going crazy and telling me horrible things and i worry about totally unreal things. ive been with my girlfriend for about 5 months and we are over the top in love with each other and she adores me silly, and so does her little 3 year old. but for some reason im petrified of losing her even though she isnt going anywhere. she has told me and reassured me relentlessly and i feel so insecure and certain that unless i snap out of this anxiety she will be pushed away or get sick of me.

Ive always struggled with self esteem even though ive always been told im gorgeous and i am smart, and ive always achieved great things and never had issues with finding love, yet my brain fights me on it relentlessly. i have started doing menial tasks in the day such as download programs i like and go outside for a couple hours and also try my best not to seek love and learn to love myself which by the way is so so painfully hard. it takes super human effort everyday to remind myself of how amazing i am (obviously i dont believe this but have been advised by a professional to constantly tell myself) and truthfully deep down im an amazing human being, i have so much love to give, im good looking, i give more to others than i do to myself, but i never learnt to love myself due to childhood extreme bullying and also a bad relationship with my dad.

So now im here, i know theres many of you out there wether in the same place, out of it and happy, or just entering like me and i am so scared of how to keep going, im literally sobbing as i type, im trying to stay strong and get through each day but the pain is so much, please, please anyone who can reassure me do so. i will be so greatful.

I know il be ok, i know im merely stuck in wrong thought processes and am listening to a broken ego who wants me to stay in bed and at the same time redicule me for it but i desperately want to talk to someone on here. please help.

god bless you all in your struggles.

[Schatmeisje]

oh michael :-( it is hard, but also good that you have said that you KNOW you will be okay/ Have you tried seeing a psychologist yet? I went for a few sessions and found it helped me to understand what exactly was happening, and then i could accept what was going on.
You are also taking all the right steps in getting yourself outside, and doing things that make you happy :-)
A silly thing that i like doing to help myself, is that i take photo of all the things that make me happy, and every tiny thing i acheive, and then when i am having a bad moment, i go through all the pictures and look at them, and it helps to reassure me that i WILL be okay, and i will keep getting better :-)
Keep up the good work x

[mikeyboi]

Hi Schatz! ok so heres my second reply (i stupidly wrote out a whole page and clicked rpely to thread and it got deleted) haha, i have yet to see a psycologist, but i am en route to it, im excited to! i know my thought patterns are wrong and negative and need changing. and that my old coping mechanism (gym and external love) is wrong, so my drunk monkey (my ego) is going haywire and telling me to stay in bed for protection.

Your photo idea sounds lovely, i do something similar, when i accomplish something ie today leaving the house, i let myself text my girlfriend and get some external love from her, and from my family, which helps alot. but im going to start taking more pictures with my phone to remind me that everything will be ok. its just this process hurts so much you know? it almost makes me wana hurt myself, but i know thats not an option.

please tell me more about yourself? id love to connect with people who are going through what im going through. god bless you

[Schatmeisje]

no worries, i love having other like me too! LOl makes me feel more normal hehe. Maybe even take a picture when you go out and text it to your girlfriend :-) if you see my blog site below i have been keeping diaries about how i got out of the house etc and try to update a few times a week. i here if you need someone to talk to x

[mikeyboi]

sure, that sounds like a good idea! i appreciate your support if you want add some stuff on here, i just spoke to my cousins and they said i could work at there smoke shop to get some kind of structure. im excited, also got some appointments to see a cheap counselor (im not rich) so will be helpful. im excited to get through this. i really appreciate your help, can i ask, how long have you had it and why?

[donnie]

Hi Micheal

i think it will get better, the fact that you have a girlfriend is good news and you said you used to go the gym i don't know if you have finished that but if you have maybe reconsider it again, did you get the visa to go the USA because i think it's important with anxiety to be around people you know especially family.
i just want to know is there anything that takes your mind off the anxiety? for me it's listening to music and knowing that if i stay indoors know one will see me and therefore laugh at me

[Schatmeisje]

Mine started from a bad hospital experience, and a very bad doctor. When i got out of hospital after 2 weeks, i started getting panic attacks randomly (but didnt know what they were) and then got GAD so i was anxious ALL the time. After 12 months I lost my job, then when that happened i got agoraphobia. Im getting better slowly, but it has been a very hard road, but i do WANT to go out more now, which is great :-)
I had some minfulness training sessions which helped me a lot, plus my partner is really supportive of me too, he even cheers and buys me a present when i go out, so i find i want to do it more often to make him proud :-) Its been 18 months for me, but because i ignored it for the first 12 months (stupidly) LOL made it worse. That is great news about the job, it really helps give you a reason to get out and do things, and to help you feel a bit more useful :-)

[mikeyboi]

Thanks guys, erm right now to keep myself busy donnie i literally go hang with family, do anything, see a movie, watch tv, sit at my cousins store. anything really.

im feeling really insecure today, even though im good looking and smart blah blah. im guessing this is part of the process??

Thanks so much guys. god bless you.