Farmer
10-04-2011, 01:03 PM
Thought I would introduce myself and share a bit about my struggles with anxiety.
I run an organic farm and have been burning the candle at both ends for about 9 years. This began to catch up to me in 2007. My wife and I were expecting a child and I was putting in nearly 90 hour work weeks of pretty physically and mentally challenging work. In the fall of 2007, I began to notice that I was feeling a little dizzy. Sometimes the floor felt like it was gently bouncing. Sometimes I felt like I was standing outside of myself.
These symptoms progressed and I ended up having my first panic attack during a busy farmers' market. At the time, I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew that something was. After a bit, I regained a semi-even keel for a few weeks, until one day when I woke up with a crushing pain in my chest, I was 32 at the time. I tried to ignore it, but later that day, had to go to the ER thinking it was a full-on heart attack. You know the drill- blood work, EKG- all fine. I was released and told to relax, it was just a panic attack.
I saw my GP and reluctantly went on Sertraline at a low dose, with a prescription for Lorazepam for emergency situations. Over the next few months, I slowly regained normalcy.
When my wife was in labor with my son, there were some serious, unexpected complications. Basically, they both nearly died. Fortunately, everyone ended up healthy. Later that day, I got my first sign that my anxiety was back when, once again, the floor began to bounce. Soon I was back to non-stop dizziness, chest pains and a feeling of dis-association, if that makes any sense.
Like many people, my anxiety has become centered around the fear that I am going to have a heart attack. When I am doing well, I work harder than anyone I know and feel great. When the anxiety rears it's head, I become a shell of myself. I want only to sleep and be left alone. This summer, I was doing well despite ongoing financial concerns and some rather serious relationship problems. I was working hard and feeling good until my wife and I began to talk about an amicable divorce. I didn't realize it at the moment, but the stage was set to relapse.
And relapse I did. For about 6 weeks now, it has been dizziness, chest pains, tingling limbs, disassociation and general fatigue. I worry constantly that these are cardiac symptoms, yet when I "treat" myself to a Lorazepam, it all goes away for a bit. My mind KNOWS that these are anxiety symptoms, but yet it persists.
Right now I feel stuck in a vicious cycle: My marriage and business are causing me serious anxiety, but I don't have the time to heal myself because of my marriage and business. I feel like I can't step off the gerbil wheel. There is always some crisis on the farm, some battle in my marriage, or something that my little boy, the love of my life, needs. I feel that if I could just escape to an island for a month or so, I could get myself under control, but that is wishful thinking.
Thoughts or ideas anyone? This is hard to handle...
I run an organic farm and have been burning the candle at both ends for about 9 years. This began to catch up to me in 2007. My wife and I were expecting a child and I was putting in nearly 90 hour work weeks of pretty physically and mentally challenging work. In the fall of 2007, I began to notice that I was feeling a little dizzy. Sometimes the floor felt like it was gently bouncing. Sometimes I felt like I was standing outside of myself.
These symptoms progressed and I ended up having my first panic attack during a busy farmers' market. At the time, I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew that something was. After a bit, I regained a semi-even keel for a few weeks, until one day when I woke up with a crushing pain in my chest, I was 32 at the time. I tried to ignore it, but later that day, had to go to the ER thinking it was a full-on heart attack. You know the drill- blood work, EKG- all fine. I was released and told to relax, it was just a panic attack.
I saw my GP and reluctantly went on Sertraline at a low dose, with a prescription for Lorazepam for emergency situations. Over the next few months, I slowly regained normalcy.
When my wife was in labor with my son, there were some serious, unexpected complications. Basically, they both nearly died. Fortunately, everyone ended up healthy. Later that day, I got my first sign that my anxiety was back when, once again, the floor began to bounce. Soon I was back to non-stop dizziness, chest pains and a feeling of dis-association, if that makes any sense.
Like many people, my anxiety has become centered around the fear that I am going to have a heart attack. When I am doing well, I work harder than anyone I know and feel great. When the anxiety rears it's head, I become a shell of myself. I want only to sleep and be left alone. This summer, I was doing well despite ongoing financial concerns and some rather serious relationship problems. I was working hard and feeling good until my wife and I began to talk about an amicable divorce. I didn't realize it at the moment, but the stage was set to relapse.
And relapse I did. For about 6 weeks now, it has been dizziness, chest pains, tingling limbs, disassociation and general fatigue. I worry constantly that these are cardiac symptoms, yet when I "treat" myself to a Lorazepam, it all goes away for a bit. My mind KNOWS that these are anxiety symptoms, but yet it persists.
Right now I feel stuck in a vicious cycle: My marriage and business are causing me serious anxiety, but I don't have the time to heal myself because of my marriage and business. I feel like I can't step off the gerbil wheel. There is always some crisis on the farm, some battle in my marriage, or something that my little boy, the love of my life, needs. I feel that if I could just escape to an island for a month or so, I could get myself under control, but that is wishful thinking.
Thoughts or ideas anyone? This is hard to handle...