anxiety making me question love

[sophias]

ok im 18 and i have really bad anxiety. i have a boyfriend of almost 1 year that i'm in love with. Last week I was supposed to drive my boyfriend and 3 friends down to a town thats 40 minutes away. I was so stressed about it since I had to drive the highway and missed paying two tolls.. Later that day when I brang my bf home, i complained to him telling him i feel weird. (i get depersonalization from time to time) 2 days before i felt like i needed space because me and my bf spend almost every day with each other. ever since last week, i've been feeling like things arent real, or things arent the same. i definately dont feel like myself. I started questioning my love for my boyfriend and have really bad anxiety over it. i cry all the time, especially with him. he tries to reassure me that everything will be ok so he is pretty understanding. when im with him, i cry if he kisses me. i dont want to have sex because i'll probably cry then. i want to, but i cant. i feel so heartbroken. how does that make sense?! i dont find anything fun anymore. i keep thinking about my boyfriend and feeling guilt. he's the best thing that has ever happened to me and told me he will love me no matter what i think. i dont want to fall out of love but my anxiety is so bad i have chest pains, i cant sleep well. i tell myself if i didnt love my boyfriend, i would break up with him, i wouldnt wanna kiss him and i wouldnt be so upset over this. yesterday we kissed a couple times and they were soft kisses, and i felt happy in that moment, or almost relaxed. im not sure what happened but it only lasted for 5 seconds and went away. my feelings must be deep down inside but its like something is blocking me from feeling them. i would do anything for my boyfriend. i want to be with him in the future and i cant imagine myself with anyone else. i told him i wanted to kill myself because its making me feel sick, and making me feel like im going crazy. what is wrong with me? im just a mess. is this just my anxiety? because if i really didnt love him, none of this would be such a big deal. I just need some reassurance and would like to see what you guys think. i just feel so depressed over this. i also take prozac. im on my 4th day so it should take 2-3 weeks to kick in. im also scared that my feelings wont be there if the pill does work. i dont want that to happen!! please help

*days before the anxiety blasted me, i felt so much love. now i almost feel like my emotions are dulled.. i literally feel like im going through a breakup/heartbreak and it just doesnt make sense.

[nervousbutterflies]

aww im sorry your going through such a rough time! There are always always gonna be times when your anxiety gets worse but just think it cant feel this way forever! I think i kind of understand what your going through! I have been getting the same feeling with my boyfriend who i have been with for over 4 years now. I feel like i have to break up with him even though i love him and sometimes i will just feel weird and look at him and ask myself am i really in love with this guy? it just seems so weird when i think about it sometimes. Now i have tried to break up with my boyfriend over a 100 times now but he wont let me. All of the times we almost broke up and i went home i realized i couldnt do it and just went straight back over his house. So now when i try to breakup with him he just wont let me leave and blocks the door. Why dont you try breaking up with him for a day and see what happens? if you love him you will not be able to last! tell him you need to do this to help your anxiety. once you do that you will totally make up your mind!

and who knows maybe it is the prozac doing this to you? in the beginning of taking meds i get really anxious and scared of everything and get suicidal thoughts. Just hang in there because maybe the meds will make you feel better and everything will work out on its own.

I hope you feel better because your not crazy at all! and you will absolutely not go crazy!

[stayinthemoment15]

It's almost funny reading what you wrote and being able to relate it to myself so much. I'm 18. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now and about 4 months of it were the most agonizing, torturous anxiety-filled months of my life. I knew I loved him. We'd been together for 8 months and I was madly in love. But I began to question it. I worried constantly around him. I convinced myself that I wasn't attrracted to him, that I hated having sex with him, etc. I started picking him apart and noticing ALL of his flaws... things I had never had a problem with before were becoming so clear to me. It was so hard because I would cry 80% of the time I was with him and he took it as me not being happy in the relationship and he blamed himself for it. Trust me I know how hard it is trying to explain to your boyfriend that you're not sure if you're in love with him. But here's the thing... you DO love him. you love him more than anything. although it's hard to see, and although you don't believe me, its true. Why else would you be worrying about this so much? The fact is, if you didn't love him, and i mean TRULY were not in love with him anymore, you would have broken up with him by now. The fact that you're still worrying shows that you really do care. When people want to break up with someone they reach a point of apathy- a point where they just don't care anymore. You're completely the opposite-- you care tooooo much.

Take a step back and think about why you're worried about this. What's the actual fear here? For me, i was so worried I didn't love my boyfriend because I knew that if I didn't love him, I'd have to break up with him. and that meant not ever getting to see him. and that also meant hurting him. that was my ultimate fear. breaking up. but by worrying all the time, by constantly crying when i was with him, and by killing myself with all the anxiety i was putting myself through I was actually sabotaging the relationship. you need to trust in your relationship. The worst thing you can do is to break up with him, because i absolutely GUARANTEE you that breaking up will make things a million times worse.

I have confidence writing this to you because the anxiety i had is over. Hard to believe, right? It literally took months, but I eventually realized why I was thinking these things. Anxiety is the doubting disease. It will take whatever you are most vulnerable about and it will make you worry constantly over losing it. Anxiety will make you push what you love most out of your life. What you need to do is get off the internet. Stop looking for reassurance and answers from people like me. Every time you are with your boyfriend and you are feeling like "i cant do this. i'm being fake when I tell him I love him. I need to break up with him", you need to remind yourself to STOP thinking about the future and the possibility of breaking up and have fun in the moment. I promise you, if you can do this, your anxiety WILL go away and you'll regret wasting so much time worrying about something so ridiculous.