sfan88
09-30-2011, 06:26 AM
Okay, I don’t know how else to explain it. I am HOLDING BACK. I am NOT LETTING GO. I am holding it all in right now. It is not being released, my body is feeling incredibly stressed, I am barely functioning, but I am most likely getting by because I am disconnected from myself. The only reason I am getting alive day to day is because I AM NOT ACTUALLY ME right now. But I do not know what I am doing to prolong this. Someone just please tell me! Yes, I already know I have an anxiety disorder,
I do not think therapists or anyone know what I am going through. I am NOT experiencing anxiety but I actually am AND THAT’s THE PROBLEM! That’s the stressor. I can’t let go because I DON’T KNOW HOW!!!
Look, everyday is hell. I feel no safety whatsoever. I wake up in the morning, and constantly worry non stop. I feel insane amount of stress buildup that is NOT BEING LET go. I feel it all throughout my body. All I know is that I have always tried to control the way I feel. My insides feel extremely stressed all over, and I feel like I will be this way until I let go. I have controlled my anxiety my WHOLE life through many different things. I have resorted to binge eating, video games, relationships, and many other things to find safety. Right now, I do not feel safe at all but I want to. I wish someone would understand – I AM CONTROLLING MY ANXIETY. I do not want to control it anymore. I want to let go. My body cannot take this anymore. As each day passes my body gets more and more stressed because I am in control and so is my anxiety. I truly believe there is a simple answer to this, but someone needs to tell me because I don’t realize it.
Right now, I should be ripping my hair out, biting my nails, being incredibly frustrated, but I actually am not. It's ALL BEING HELD INSIDE and not being released.
Okay, right now my hands are SUPPOSED to be trembling but they aren’t. Right now I should be feeling all sorts of odd sensations and feelings but I am not. I am but I’m not – does that make sense? I’m afraid but I am not. I am experiencing anxiety but I am not. I am super stressed but I am not. I am experiencing feelings of fear and panic but I actually am not. I am acting anxious but I am not acting anxious as I really am. I feel afraid but I am not. The inside of my body feels INCREDIBLY STRESSED, all my muscles feel extremely tight, compacted. I feel so uncomfortable but I am not in my body. I constantly write about how I feel all day trying to figure out my condition because I can't let go. MEDS ARE USELESS because I won't let go. I truly think I could handle this if I could just let go. I no longer want to be in control but I am. My brain feels so much tension and pressure. But on the outside I am a seemingly normal functioning individual. You would look at me and think “there’s no way this is really going on with this guy”. But IT IS! And that’s what confusing. I am preventing it from letting go – but HOW??
I’ll get no where in therapy if I don’t first let go. Yes, I am afraid to let go of control, but I don’t know what I’m doing to hold it back. It’s not that complicated but I can’t seem to see the truth.
DOES this help explain now what’s going on and why I feel the way I do??
Pretend that someone just randomly came up to you and said all this. What do you think is wrong with them?? When I controlled my anxiety with binge eating, once I quit binge eating my anxiety came into play and broke out. So, I stopped binge eating (gave up my control method) to let my anxiety come into play. What am I doing now to control this?
If someone is afraid of dogs, you expose them to dogs multiple times to lose their fear of dogs. Eventually, they become unafraid. If I am afraid of fear, how do I face fear? Do I say something? Do something? If I am afraid of anxiety, how do I face anxiety? Do you see what I'm saying?
I just typed out either the answer, or the question I am looking for. Can someone please tell me what the question might be, or the answer, or both? THANKS!
I do not think therapists or anyone know what I am going through. I am NOT experiencing anxiety but I actually am AND THAT’s THE PROBLEM! That’s the stressor. I can’t let go because I DON’T KNOW HOW!!!
Look, everyday is hell. I feel no safety whatsoever. I wake up in the morning, and constantly worry non stop. I feel insane amount of stress buildup that is NOT BEING LET go. I feel it all throughout my body. All I know is that I have always tried to control the way I feel. My insides feel extremely stressed all over, and I feel like I will be this way until I let go. I have controlled my anxiety my WHOLE life through many different things. I have resorted to binge eating, video games, relationships, and many other things to find safety. Right now, I do not feel safe at all but I want to. I wish someone would understand – I AM CONTROLLING MY ANXIETY. I do not want to control it anymore. I want to let go. My body cannot take this anymore. As each day passes my body gets more and more stressed because I am in control and so is my anxiety. I truly believe there is a simple answer to this, but someone needs to tell me because I don’t realize it.
Right now, I should be ripping my hair out, biting my nails, being incredibly frustrated, but I actually am not. It's ALL BEING HELD INSIDE and not being released.
Okay, right now my hands are SUPPOSED to be trembling but they aren’t. Right now I should be feeling all sorts of odd sensations and feelings but I am not. I am but I’m not – does that make sense? I’m afraid but I am not. I am experiencing anxiety but I am not. I am super stressed but I am not. I am experiencing feelings of fear and panic but I actually am not. I am acting anxious but I am not acting anxious as I really am. I feel afraid but I am not. The inside of my body feels INCREDIBLY STRESSED, all my muscles feel extremely tight, compacted. I feel so uncomfortable but I am not in my body. I constantly write about how I feel all day trying to figure out my condition because I can't let go. MEDS ARE USELESS because I won't let go. I truly think I could handle this if I could just let go. I no longer want to be in control but I am. My brain feels so much tension and pressure. But on the outside I am a seemingly normal functioning individual. You would look at me and think “there’s no way this is really going on with this guy”. But IT IS! And that’s what confusing. I am preventing it from letting go – but HOW??
I’ll get no where in therapy if I don’t first let go. Yes, I am afraid to let go of control, but I don’t know what I’m doing to hold it back. It’s not that complicated but I can’t seem to see the truth.
DOES this help explain now what’s going on and why I feel the way I do??
Pretend that someone just randomly came up to you and said all this. What do you think is wrong with them?? When I controlled my anxiety with binge eating, once I quit binge eating my anxiety came into play and broke out. So, I stopped binge eating (gave up my control method) to let my anxiety come into play. What am I doing now to control this?
If someone is afraid of dogs, you expose them to dogs multiple times to lose their fear of dogs. Eventually, they become unafraid. If I am afraid of fear, how do I face fear? Do I say something? Do something? If I am afraid of anxiety, how do I face anxiety? Do you see what I'm saying?
I just typed out either the answer, or the question I am looking for. Can someone please tell me what the question might be, or the answer, or both? THANKS!