moobags
09-29-2011, 06:43 AM
Hi all,
I've just signed up - so hallo & nice to meet you :)
Basically, I'm not sure if I get anxiety or not but I'm starting to think it is - I'll go through my life story below...sorry if it's a big post - but if anyone has any feedback, well, it'd be great to hear from others basically (I don't feel like I can speak to many other people in my life about it)
So, when I was little my parents moved me around a lot - I was born & raised till the age of 5 in Northern Ireland, I don't remember haveing any problems there. We then moved to the Isle of Man, where I started yet anothe primary school (I'd already been to two apparently as I was bullied at my first) - was at this new one for a year and we moved to another village, so started at another one. This is where I remember it going downhill.
I was relentlessly bullied from year two up to year 5 (so three years :P) - by people from all different classes in the school, I only had two friends really. I was deemed "the cry baby".
This is where I remember, when I used to spend time by myself or with my mum at home at weekends, doing normal kid stuff like playing in the garden - I always used to feel like I was trapped in some sort of weird bubble. The feeling was a mixture of mental and physical entrapment, and did not feel nice at all. I never mentioned it because I was little and assumed it was a normal feeling.
We then moved again and I started at another primary school where I had more friends and wasn't bullied & that "bubble" feeling went away, all gravy.
So then I started High School, now all the primary schools I'd been to on the Island were in the same catchment area, so all those nasty people I'd had trouble with in the past were there - however everyone had changed and the bullying stopped. I became outgoing and extroverted and increasingly popular as the years went by - all good.
This is where the interesting bit starts.
When I was about 13/14 my mum had a nervous breakdown (for reasons from her childhood that I'm not willing to discuss, but you can probably imagine what I'm talking about) - I had to spend a lot of time dealing with her problems, she became very neurotic, panicky and the like, I also had to look after her emotionally quite a lot. I had no problems with this at the time, it's my mum and I love her. But in hindsight at that age it was probably quite a lot to deal with.
Also, while this was happening we again moved house another three times. Once to Scotland (which I enjoyed!) and then back again to the Isle of Man.
I left home to live with my then boyfriend at 15. We were together for about 4/5 years. He suffered from manic depression and this became a massive burden. He didn't work so I had to pay for almost everything. He kept me awake at night and made me feel guilty for falling asleep because he couldnt. When I broke up with him, he used to force himself into my flat and go mad. I know this was his depression but I was still young - this was very very very hard.
So fast forward a few years to my 20's - I'm now 24 - since all that I've had a couple of fairly alright (albeit some slightly abusive) long term relationships, I've had a lot of fun and made a lot of friends, I enjoy a great IT and music career.
Over the last two years, though, I've started thinking I've had heart problems. I joined a gym and the trainer said my heartbeat was unusually high but nothing to worry about (i average 220bpm on a heavy session on the x-trainer). Then, I start experiencing HUGE trouble sleeping - I'd remembered when I was a kid I'd had trouble sleeping before but didn't know why.
When I lay there at night, my heart races more and more because random stuff pops up into my mind and I start worrying about it. Really stupid stuff too! Like stuff that's not even worrying...for example, what if I didn't send an unimportant email. Sometimes I get it and I'm thinking of stuff that isn't even worrying, like maybe I'm thinking of a famous actor that I think is properly good looking (as you do!!) - i just can't sleep, and more and more topics fill my head and my heart races and races!
I sometimes get it during the day, but if it does happen during the day I get really dizzy and ill feeling and clammy.
I moved to London last year to live with my current BF, we just moved into our own place last week & I'm loving it but these feelings have been getting really bad over the last few days. I'm really busy at work and can't sleep but the weirdest thing is I just don't feel stressed at all! It's horrible too because this feeling makes me all clammy & sweaty & in the hot weather in London it just doesn't mix well!!
If it helps there his a massive history of mental illness in my family and I'm pretty much the only person in my immediate family who hasn't officially been diagnosed with anything. You know about my mum, on my dads side there is some depression and his mother was an alcoholic. On my mums side there is anxiety, depression and her brother has had very similar problems to her.
I was prescribed propanolol for the racing heart to help me sleep 2 years ago but never took it as I don't like it.
Also, I cry & break down very easily - while I'm a tough nut to crack some things that get to me just tip me over the edge. I also sometimes get huge problems with anger management, if say an argument flares up with my BF...or I lose something important, I'll end up falling into a whirlwind of shouting, agression, trashing the place, crying & then sleeping for hours & feeling guilty about it after....I literally have NO idea why!
Can someone tell me if this all sounds familiar? I just want this to stop now, I want to function normally, sleep normally and not be a clammy minger! :P
I've never spoken to anyone about this either...
Ah also, sorry, I've just realised I've probably missed some slightly important info out there too.
When I was in my first year of high school one of my two only friends from the school I was bullied at died. Then, the year I left highschool two good friends died. Another friend of mine died of a brain tumour while I was in Scotland.
The big one was in 2007 when, in the space of three months, three of my closest life friends (one of which was like a surrogate brother) died - two in carcrashes and one of a heroin overdose. I went to see one of them at the morgue, the brotherly one I wasn't allowed to see & felt awful because we couldn't say goodbye. I got therapy but it didn't really help that much, I haven't really let go of that one tbh.
Then in 2009 another good friend died - it was weird this time, I couldnt get emotional at the funeral & felt very detatched from the group of mates.
Since these events I've been very very detatched, not so much emotionally as I've mentioned I have emotional flare ups - but more like...nothing really seems to shock me...I very rarely feel bad about something or like, shocked by something in a film or documentary...it all seems like I'm watching it on TV - similar to how I felt when I was very little and "in a bubble".
Also if it helps, my sister has recently been diagnosed with chronic depression & anxiety - and she was/is the most happy go lucky person I know....so I found that a little weird...and perhaps made me think it's a family thing.
Thanks in advance all x
I've just signed up - so hallo & nice to meet you :)
Basically, I'm not sure if I get anxiety or not but I'm starting to think it is - I'll go through my life story below...sorry if it's a big post - but if anyone has any feedback, well, it'd be great to hear from others basically (I don't feel like I can speak to many other people in my life about it)
So, when I was little my parents moved me around a lot - I was born & raised till the age of 5 in Northern Ireland, I don't remember haveing any problems there. We then moved to the Isle of Man, where I started yet anothe primary school (I'd already been to two apparently as I was bullied at my first) - was at this new one for a year and we moved to another village, so started at another one. This is where I remember it going downhill.
I was relentlessly bullied from year two up to year 5 (so three years :P) - by people from all different classes in the school, I only had two friends really. I was deemed "the cry baby".
This is where I remember, when I used to spend time by myself or with my mum at home at weekends, doing normal kid stuff like playing in the garden - I always used to feel like I was trapped in some sort of weird bubble. The feeling was a mixture of mental and physical entrapment, and did not feel nice at all. I never mentioned it because I was little and assumed it was a normal feeling.
We then moved again and I started at another primary school where I had more friends and wasn't bullied & that "bubble" feeling went away, all gravy.
So then I started High School, now all the primary schools I'd been to on the Island were in the same catchment area, so all those nasty people I'd had trouble with in the past were there - however everyone had changed and the bullying stopped. I became outgoing and extroverted and increasingly popular as the years went by - all good.
This is where the interesting bit starts.
When I was about 13/14 my mum had a nervous breakdown (for reasons from her childhood that I'm not willing to discuss, but you can probably imagine what I'm talking about) - I had to spend a lot of time dealing with her problems, she became very neurotic, panicky and the like, I also had to look after her emotionally quite a lot. I had no problems with this at the time, it's my mum and I love her. But in hindsight at that age it was probably quite a lot to deal with.
Also, while this was happening we again moved house another three times. Once to Scotland (which I enjoyed!) and then back again to the Isle of Man.
I left home to live with my then boyfriend at 15. We were together for about 4/5 years. He suffered from manic depression and this became a massive burden. He didn't work so I had to pay for almost everything. He kept me awake at night and made me feel guilty for falling asleep because he couldnt. When I broke up with him, he used to force himself into my flat and go mad. I know this was his depression but I was still young - this was very very very hard.
So fast forward a few years to my 20's - I'm now 24 - since all that I've had a couple of fairly alright (albeit some slightly abusive) long term relationships, I've had a lot of fun and made a lot of friends, I enjoy a great IT and music career.
Over the last two years, though, I've started thinking I've had heart problems. I joined a gym and the trainer said my heartbeat was unusually high but nothing to worry about (i average 220bpm on a heavy session on the x-trainer). Then, I start experiencing HUGE trouble sleeping - I'd remembered when I was a kid I'd had trouble sleeping before but didn't know why.
When I lay there at night, my heart races more and more because random stuff pops up into my mind and I start worrying about it. Really stupid stuff too! Like stuff that's not even worrying...for example, what if I didn't send an unimportant email. Sometimes I get it and I'm thinking of stuff that isn't even worrying, like maybe I'm thinking of a famous actor that I think is properly good looking (as you do!!) - i just can't sleep, and more and more topics fill my head and my heart races and races!
I sometimes get it during the day, but if it does happen during the day I get really dizzy and ill feeling and clammy.
I moved to London last year to live with my current BF, we just moved into our own place last week & I'm loving it but these feelings have been getting really bad over the last few days. I'm really busy at work and can't sleep but the weirdest thing is I just don't feel stressed at all! It's horrible too because this feeling makes me all clammy & sweaty & in the hot weather in London it just doesn't mix well!!
If it helps there his a massive history of mental illness in my family and I'm pretty much the only person in my immediate family who hasn't officially been diagnosed with anything. You know about my mum, on my dads side there is some depression and his mother was an alcoholic. On my mums side there is anxiety, depression and her brother has had very similar problems to her.
I was prescribed propanolol for the racing heart to help me sleep 2 years ago but never took it as I don't like it.
Also, I cry & break down very easily - while I'm a tough nut to crack some things that get to me just tip me over the edge. I also sometimes get huge problems with anger management, if say an argument flares up with my BF...or I lose something important, I'll end up falling into a whirlwind of shouting, agression, trashing the place, crying & then sleeping for hours & feeling guilty about it after....I literally have NO idea why!
Can someone tell me if this all sounds familiar? I just want this to stop now, I want to function normally, sleep normally and not be a clammy minger! :P
I've never spoken to anyone about this either...
Ah also, sorry, I've just realised I've probably missed some slightly important info out there too.
When I was in my first year of high school one of my two only friends from the school I was bullied at died. Then, the year I left highschool two good friends died. Another friend of mine died of a brain tumour while I was in Scotland.
The big one was in 2007 when, in the space of three months, three of my closest life friends (one of which was like a surrogate brother) died - two in carcrashes and one of a heroin overdose. I went to see one of them at the morgue, the brotherly one I wasn't allowed to see & felt awful because we couldn't say goodbye. I got therapy but it didn't really help that much, I haven't really let go of that one tbh.
Then in 2009 another good friend died - it was weird this time, I couldnt get emotional at the funeral & felt very detatched from the group of mates.
Since these events I've been very very detatched, not so much emotionally as I've mentioned I have emotional flare ups - but more like...nothing really seems to shock me...I very rarely feel bad about something or like, shocked by something in a film or documentary...it all seems like I'm watching it on TV - similar to how I felt when I was very little and "in a bubble".
Also if it helps, my sister has recently been diagnosed with chronic depression & anxiety - and she was/is the most happy go lucky person I know....so I found that a little weird...and perhaps made me think it's a family thing.
Thanks in advance all x