Wease
11-16-2006, 06:56 PM
Most of my life I've felt myself to be mentally stable, rational, down to earth person, more so than the average person. All of that changed about three years ago (I was 30 yrs old) when I came down with Bells Palsy. In short Bells Palsy is a condition where one side of your face becomes paralyzed because of swelling in the nerve behind your ear. About five percent of all people come down with Bells Palsy and for a vast majority of people it is a temporary condition that goes away in three to four months when the nerve regenerates. There is a small percentage of Bells Palsy sufferers who don't fully recover because the nerve is too damaged to fully regenerate. The healing process is very, very slow, like having a hand full of sand and taking a single grain of sand away each day until the sand is gone. You look in the mirror every day but barely notice a change. I talked with a lisp because I couldn't move one side of my mouth, I had trouble sleeping because I couldn't close one eye lid, and in general my face was slightly droopy because I lost nerve control. Eventually I fully recovered, but during that four months I plunged in to a depression that I couldn't recover from without medical help (anti-depressants). I became so worried that I wasn't getting better, that my wife would find me unattractive, that I would come down with Bells Palsy again, that I'd have no chance at advancement at my job because of my appearance, that I'd look and talk like a mentally handicapped person for the rest of my life. These thoughts controlled every second, minute, hour, day of every month and I couldn't stop dwelling on it. I couldn't tell my brain to stop thinking about it, and it became so bad it affected my over all health. I lost thirty pounds in those four months, and I was always run down. Eventually I recovered from the Bells Palsy and the depression, but the episode opened a door in my mind that I've not been able to close since. I'm overly emotional about everything. I well up with tears when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm inspired and when I'm worried. Prior to the depression I wasn't emotional about anything and rarely cried about anything. I now think the worst of every situation, I develop scenarios in my mind of the worst possible outcomes from even the mildest of events; I'd classify most of them as personal interaction, not physical. Prior to my depression I never got bent out of shape about much of anything, even some very serious issues. I do everything I can to mask my anxiety attacks in front of my wife, friends and at work, but it's tearing me up inside. I no longer trust anyone; I over analyze everything people say, do, body language, etc. I always assume they have an ulterior motive that is out to do mental or personal harm to me. Once I start obsessing about one problem, my mind begins to make me feel like everything in my life is falling apart. If I see my wife talking to someone, I think she's talking about me, I think she's telling them she's unhappy and maybe she wants to leave me. No matter what my boss says to me, I twist her words in to something that makes me think she's not happy with my work and wants to demote me, etc. I have little to no basis for these thoughts, but they pop in to my head and take over. I'll dwell on those thoughts for days, and I just can't turn my brain off of the thoughts.
My wife has no compassion for my plight, and of course this makes it all the worse. I've explained my problem to her, but she just tells me to get over it. I wish it were that simple, but it's like my mind has it's own mind and I can't control it's thoughts. I've done a decent job of pushing it down so that not many people know what I'm going through, but it's beginning to take it's toll on me mentally and physically. I'm not sure what opened this door in my mind, but I just want to close it. I'm not sure where to turn.
My wife has no compassion for my plight, and of course this makes it all the worse. I've explained my problem to her, but she just tells me to get over it. I wish it were that simple, but it's like my mind has it's own mind and I can't control it's thoughts. I've done a decent job of pushing it down so that not many people know what I'm going through, but it's beginning to take it's toll on me mentally and physically. I'm not sure what opened this door in my mind, but I just want to close it. I'm not sure where to turn.