Relationship anxiety

[othergirl21]

I came across this site when I was searching the net for some answers and I was hoping that someone out there could help me and I really would like to know how it worked out for ye?
You see my fiance, 6 weeks ago woke up one morning and had severe anxiety about whether he loved me or whether he loved me enough to marry me. We were to get married next month but as a result of this nightmare we felt it better to postpone the wedding. It all started with a throw away comment that someone said to him, a friend talked about his wife and how he loved her and then he asked my fiance did he love me and he hesitated ....and boom the seed was planted and he cant shake off these waves of anxiety. It got so bad that he was crying and inconsolable I had to bring him to the doctor who wasnt very helpful (he told him to go on holidays), he equalled the feelings he was having to extreme grief. He was consumed by it. We spent some time apart and this did not seem to help. He says that he weighs up all the reasons in his head of why he loves me and these doubts dont make sense to him, he says to himself "I would not do this or I would do that if I didnt love her" He started to see a counciller who is helping him with things in his past and that is helping somewhat. he has other issues, he attends GA meetings and he talks when he is in those about this anxiety. It is so difficult for me when I am with him I can see and I can sense when this wave comes over him its like the air turns black around him. He knows that he loves me but he cannot stop these anxiety attacks and I cannot stop myself feeling so rejected and sometimes so lonely when I am with him. Some days I think that it would be better to let him go,
Can someone tell me that this gets better and it goes away, do you think CBT would be helpful to him.
Ps I am new to this, I have never posted anything on a forum before so apologies if it takes me a while to get the hang of it

[acasey]

hi there! im guessing you don't really have anxiety issues yourself so this is probably all very confusing to you. once a person with anxiety gets a thought in their head that scares them,they keep in the cycle of anxiety by fearing this thought. first thing he needs to do is realize that this is only a thought, it means nothing about him, just because he has that thought does not mean it is true, or ever will be. it's the fear of the thought that keeps his anxiety levels up, and keeps the thought coming back. think of it like this. close your eyes and picture a pink elephant. now open your eyes and foerget about it. you can't right? trying to make yourself forget about a thought only makes it stay around longer. he needs to accept that this is only a thought, it means nothing. when it comes he can say "there is that stupid thought again", this thought is not true, i love her becuase .......... and if i didn't really love her then the fact that im questioning my love for her would not be an issue. i know it's is probably hard on your part. but trust me, he loves you. or the thought that he doesn't would not bring him to tears and cause him so much anxiety. also, when your anxiety is high, everything else seems to take a back seat because all you can think of is how you can get out of the cycle. and it can make you feel "detached" from things you know that you care about. this phase will pass. the mind is designed to heal it's self. CBT may help. he could also do some deep relaxation, exercise, eat healthy, reduce stress, and work on accepting those unwanted thoughts. in time this will all go away. and your relationship will be so much stronger for having gone through such a tough situation together. hope this helped. also tell him to get on anxietycentre.com. it has done wonders for me!!! wish you the best!

[othergirl21]

Thank you so much I think you have captured exactly what he has tried to explain to me already, it's like the anxiety and these anxious thoughts are separate to actually what he feels for me. I know that that's what a lot of his counselling focused on, what he feels rather than what he thinks. He exercises everyday and it's so important for him to clear his head. I love him and I am always there for him and am I hope one day we can make that step up the aisle :-)

[gaara]

Thank you so much I think you have captured exactly what he has tried to explain to me already, it's like the anxiety and these anxious thoughts are separate to actually what he feels for me. I know that that's what a lot of his counselling focused on, what he feels rather than what he thinks. He exercises everyday and it's so important for him to clear his head. I love him and I am always there for him and am I hope one day we can make that step up the aisle :-)

Hey...you know what. The original reason why I came to this site is exactly because of what your fiance was experiencing. Although I wasn't engageed, I was completely in love with my gf at the time and 1 small doubtful thought threw me right off my hinges.

If you want to discuss more feel free to PM me.

[othergirl21]

Hi there I recognise your name as myself and my fiance looked at your posts from that time and he identified most with you, he is doing much better than he was but these doubts still come into his head and it's what its doing to me that is the hardest thing to deal with, it's like he knows that they will go again so he doesn't pass much head of them and I am left there a bit of a wreck after these anxious episodes, am hanging in there tho hoping that there will be one day when these thoughts have left him for good and I don't have to walk around him on "eggshells" how did things work out for you and your gf? Did ye get thru it?

[gaara]

Hi there I recognise your name as myself and my fiance looked at your posts from that time and he identified most with you, he is doing much better than he was but these doubts still come into his head and it's what its doing to me that is the hardest thing to deal with, it's like he knows that they will go again so he doesn't pass much head of them and I am left there a bit of a wreck after these anxious episodes, am hanging in there tho hoping that there will be one day when these thoughts have left him for good and I don't have to walk around him on "eggshells" how did things work out for you and your gf? Did ye get thru it?

Well they worked out fine in terms of my weird anxiety related crap about her (but I never let her know i was having anxiety with her..i just blamed it all soley on my shitty job/living situation at the time).

I got through it by imagining that the anxious/weird me was sort of a dark evil shadow monster version of me that came out of a sewer. Now, yes, trust me, I know how absoulutely RETARDED that sounds but believe you me, it worked.

I would imagine that was teh evil "me" trying to win our fight. I fought and when I won, I felt like the real me again, and the real me around her. When it won, I felt the anxious me, and the anxious/retarded thought process me around her.

Whenever I "won", i'd envision myself beating the shit out of this shadow evil me and throwing him down the sewer and me banging the sewer lid back on and bolting it. Always the "evil" me would be banging trying to get through.

I noticed that after each battle I won, the "evil" me would take longer, and longer to break free of the beating/bolted sewer lid until eventually, it gave up and died and I was 100% myself with my GF and it was a feeling i;ll never forget.

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What i'm trying to say is that your fiance needs to realize that this anxious thought-thinking "him" isn't himself. He needs to find a way to fight his anxious self and win the battle if you know what I mean. This can take on ANY way, shape or form, it doesn;t even need to be a "battle"...whatever comes naturally to your fiance is waht will work for him.

Everybody has their unique cure, it just has to come naturally..don't force it.


I don't even have to know or meet your fiance to know that YOU ARE THE ONE. He can't fathom life without you I can guarentee you that. No matter how much of this mother fucking anxiety "takes over" he knows deep down he loves you with everything he;s got and he won't let this shit ruin what you guys have. It's something as men we go through, we may put on a front or act like we can live without you but really, you are our rock, our world and our life.


I really hope you or him doesn't give up because it would be terrible for you too..just because of this retarded basic human emotion that can fuck up great things. Stay strong both of you because I truly believe you can conquer this. Because I did.