dudeeee58
09-03-2011, 06:29 PM
like everyone on this website i am an anxiety sufferer. for the past 4 years i have been cowering, trembling, crying, screaming, pulling my own hair out because of this strange force within me. i just recently stumbled upon this site a couple of moments ago when i was doing a typical "what's wrong with me" search over the internet. i am here now to conform with my follow anxiety sufferers because no one else seems to understand. i am currently away at college and instead of getting ready to go out and have a good time, I'm in my dorm, worried and anticipating the worst.
i just want to vent and list the process by which anxiety creeps up on me, and maybe you experience the same type of issues too. for me, i fear death. i fear dying, illness, chest pains, somatic symptoms pretty much. as soon as something "bizarre" occurs (which actually might just be a normal bodily function) i find myself becoming increasingly active. shaking my legs, tapping my foot, burping, and other types of motor movement. from there, i begin my never ending search on the internet for the reasons why i am experiencing such "bizarre" bodily functions. i constantly find myself worried that i am deadly sick, or i will die in the next hour, alone and completely vulnerable. this has been happening 3 to 4 times a week since i was a sophomore in high school. i am now a sophomore in college and things have gotten better, but now what i am experiencing is becoming unbearable. i have seen 2 psychologists, and 2 psychiatrists which prescribed me Xanax and Prozac. these DID NOT help, although Xanax was a life saver when it came to the anxiety attacks that i thought would never end. i am diagnosed as bipolar, to have severe anxiety, a hypochondriac and i have had it.
its just frustrating to feel as if you will never actually return to "normal". like many of you i look back on my childhood when i was carefree and always happy. don't get me wrong i still am happy, but no where near as carefree. im stressed beyond belief because of anxiety. i am turning 20 and i already have a few grey hairs because of this. its killing me, like it is probably killing all of you as well. its so embarrassing to experience anxiety in public and to have all the attention turned to you and your irrational fear. i sometimes think "how am i ever going to find someone to put up with me and my insecurities about my anxiety?" because to be honest, i don't want to be taken care of and who would want to be with a person who constantly needs reassurance that he isn't dying? i miss being normal that's all.
i just want to brush up on some new and evolving thoughts that occur during my episodes. i seem to believe that i am not really here, and that i am outside of myself looking in. my brain seems to make me feel detached, and reality becomes negligible. i often feel like i am on a strong drug trip when i experience this. racing thoughts about the possibility that i am actually not here flood my mind and take my anxiety to new heights. heights to the point that i actually go numb (pins and needles) in my arms and legs. at this point i usually give in and pop a Xanax before i give myself any more grey hairs. another thing i'd just like to point out during a severe episode is the fact that i feel as if i am just going through motions, and not actually living. its pretty existential and if i wasn't the one experiencing this kind of mental torture, i'd really like to read some literature about it. the mind is powerful, it manipulates the body and what is so weird is that why can't i control my mind? is my mind actually a thing, or is it "ME"? "I" am experiencing this sort of mental issue but if it is all in my mind, why can't i just say "stop" and automatically be cured?
i just want to vent and list the process by which anxiety creeps up on me, and maybe you experience the same type of issues too. for me, i fear death. i fear dying, illness, chest pains, somatic symptoms pretty much. as soon as something "bizarre" occurs (which actually might just be a normal bodily function) i find myself becoming increasingly active. shaking my legs, tapping my foot, burping, and other types of motor movement. from there, i begin my never ending search on the internet for the reasons why i am experiencing such "bizarre" bodily functions. i constantly find myself worried that i am deadly sick, or i will die in the next hour, alone and completely vulnerable. this has been happening 3 to 4 times a week since i was a sophomore in high school. i am now a sophomore in college and things have gotten better, but now what i am experiencing is becoming unbearable. i have seen 2 psychologists, and 2 psychiatrists which prescribed me Xanax and Prozac. these DID NOT help, although Xanax was a life saver when it came to the anxiety attacks that i thought would never end. i am diagnosed as bipolar, to have severe anxiety, a hypochondriac and i have had it.
its just frustrating to feel as if you will never actually return to "normal". like many of you i look back on my childhood when i was carefree and always happy. don't get me wrong i still am happy, but no where near as carefree. im stressed beyond belief because of anxiety. i am turning 20 and i already have a few grey hairs because of this. its killing me, like it is probably killing all of you as well. its so embarrassing to experience anxiety in public and to have all the attention turned to you and your irrational fear. i sometimes think "how am i ever going to find someone to put up with me and my insecurities about my anxiety?" because to be honest, i don't want to be taken care of and who would want to be with a person who constantly needs reassurance that he isn't dying? i miss being normal that's all.
i just want to brush up on some new and evolving thoughts that occur during my episodes. i seem to believe that i am not really here, and that i am outside of myself looking in. my brain seems to make me feel detached, and reality becomes negligible. i often feel like i am on a strong drug trip when i experience this. racing thoughts about the possibility that i am actually not here flood my mind and take my anxiety to new heights. heights to the point that i actually go numb (pins and needles) in my arms and legs. at this point i usually give in and pop a Xanax before i give myself any more grey hairs. another thing i'd just like to point out during a severe episode is the fact that i feel as if i am just going through motions, and not actually living. its pretty existential and if i wasn't the one experiencing this kind of mental torture, i'd really like to read some literature about it. the mind is powerful, it manipulates the body and what is so weird is that why can't i control my mind? is my mind actually a thing, or is it "ME"? "I" am experiencing this sort of mental issue but if it is all in my mind, why can't i just say "stop" and automatically be cured?