clefan87
08-27-2011, 10:56 AM
I am posting this in hopes someone will read my story and provide some support..or some ease!
I am a 24 year old male who has had anxiety for my whole life. Growing up I always worried about everything. I would be afraid of being alone, if I had something wrong with me I would think "worse case" scenario. If I had breathing issues, I had lung cancer. If I had a rash it was skin cancer. I would envision being told I had cancer or some other disease and be afraid of dying.
But I never really realized I had anxiety until I recovered from my eating disorder I had. My anxiety broke out horrible after I broke up with my first girlfriend. I started to self medicate with food for almost two years. After I forcefully stopped self-medicating with food, things started happening. I started to develop striking pains in my chest, thoughts that literally paralyzed me, shakes, feelings of fear. I had no idea what was going on. One night I was googling anxiety and an overwhelming sense of fear came over me, I had panic attack and drove to the hospital at 80 mph because I was scared as hell. I did not know what was going on.
Ever since then my anxiety has been out of control. Right now I am experiencing constant anxiety/panic in the background, but since I am detached, I do not consciously display the signs. I was having a panic attack at work the other day, but since I was detached from myself, I was just sitting there like nothing was happening. It was very weird!!
I think the detachment is my body's way of protecting me from the anxiety since I have no other method to control it. Growing up I always used other things to make myself feel that "safe" feeling in the chest. I would eat, play video games, rely on my mother or others. Anytime that safe feeling went away, I would go into a state of worry and anxiety thinking worst case.
If I had a skin rash, I would think it's skin cancer. I would then research skin cancer and become convinced I have cancer and would die. I would go to the doctor, sometimes two, then when I was told it was just an infection, I would feel safe and be relieved and forget about it. I would then look back and say to myself "Jeez, why was I worried about that so bad??".
I could apply that to every bad thing in my life. If I had a relationship, I would think "what if" I break up with her. That would trigger anxiety, which would then ruin the relationship. If someone said hi to me in the middle of the street, I would be afraid they wanted to get me or something.
I've gone from therapist to therapist without any luck. It's been the typical thing - describe your childhood, growing up, things like that. We spend all this time trying to find traumatic events that could have triggered it. I am getting sick of spending all this time in therapy talking about my childhood! I was convinced for a long time that something traumatic did happen until I talked to both of my parents in great detail about what I am going through and they swore that nothing traumatic has happened to me like rape, getting locked in a closet, seeing someone die, etc. I was abused at times by my dad, getting hit with his hand, a belt, etc. I did experience great anxiety and fear at those times, I'll admit that. But looking back now, what can I do? It is what it is. Time moves on.
I give myself total credit though. Despite this hell I am in, I am still pursuing things in my life that I want to do. Dating, my job, friendships..but I am just sooooooo confused!!!
I guess I am very confused right now!! I don't know what's going on. Can someone perhaps point out the obvious? I am missing SOMETHING here but it can't be that complicated!! My brain is literally fried and I can't even think, so I don't know how I am even typing this. :)
I am a 24 year old male who has had anxiety for my whole life. Growing up I always worried about everything. I would be afraid of being alone, if I had something wrong with me I would think "worse case" scenario. If I had breathing issues, I had lung cancer. If I had a rash it was skin cancer. I would envision being told I had cancer or some other disease and be afraid of dying.
But I never really realized I had anxiety until I recovered from my eating disorder I had. My anxiety broke out horrible after I broke up with my first girlfriend. I started to self medicate with food for almost two years. After I forcefully stopped self-medicating with food, things started happening. I started to develop striking pains in my chest, thoughts that literally paralyzed me, shakes, feelings of fear. I had no idea what was going on. One night I was googling anxiety and an overwhelming sense of fear came over me, I had panic attack and drove to the hospital at 80 mph because I was scared as hell. I did not know what was going on.
Ever since then my anxiety has been out of control. Right now I am experiencing constant anxiety/panic in the background, but since I am detached, I do not consciously display the signs. I was having a panic attack at work the other day, but since I was detached from myself, I was just sitting there like nothing was happening. It was very weird!!
I think the detachment is my body's way of protecting me from the anxiety since I have no other method to control it. Growing up I always used other things to make myself feel that "safe" feeling in the chest. I would eat, play video games, rely on my mother or others. Anytime that safe feeling went away, I would go into a state of worry and anxiety thinking worst case.
If I had a skin rash, I would think it's skin cancer. I would then research skin cancer and become convinced I have cancer and would die. I would go to the doctor, sometimes two, then when I was told it was just an infection, I would feel safe and be relieved and forget about it. I would then look back and say to myself "Jeez, why was I worried about that so bad??".
I could apply that to every bad thing in my life. If I had a relationship, I would think "what if" I break up with her. That would trigger anxiety, which would then ruin the relationship. If someone said hi to me in the middle of the street, I would be afraid they wanted to get me or something.
I've gone from therapist to therapist without any luck. It's been the typical thing - describe your childhood, growing up, things like that. We spend all this time trying to find traumatic events that could have triggered it. I am getting sick of spending all this time in therapy talking about my childhood! I was convinced for a long time that something traumatic did happen until I talked to both of my parents in great detail about what I am going through and they swore that nothing traumatic has happened to me like rape, getting locked in a closet, seeing someone die, etc. I was abused at times by my dad, getting hit with his hand, a belt, etc. I did experience great anxiety and fear at those times, I'll admit that. But looking back now, what can I do? It is what it is. Time moves on.
I give myself total credit though. Despite this hell I am in, I am still pursuing things in my life that I want to do. Dating, my job, friendships..but I am just sooooooo confused!!!
I guess I am very confused right now!! I don't know what's going on. Can someone perhaps point out the obvious? I am missing SOMETHING here but it can't be that complicated!! My brain is literally fried and I can't even think, so I don't know how I am even typing this. :)