Sick of it

[PheonixRising]

I have been battling with anxiety for ten years. It started the day my grandmother died.

I have had long periods of crippling anxiety...followed by periods where im normal again. I resisted medication until recently, because i was afraid of it. Finally one day i said "screw it" and tried my moms ativan. It took two mils to calm me down, but it worked and i went and got my own script. I take .5 mil when i feel the symptoms and it helps. But tonight, i took a whole mil and my anxiety is coming in waves...which is new to me.

I get intrusive thoughts and bizzare dreams, i clenched my jaw, palms sweat, i get irrational fears that i will completely go crazy. Lose myself, i guess. Sometimes i even get paranoid that i ate something containing drugs, or contracted some exotic illness, you name it.

And you know what? I fucking tired of this shit. I REFUSE to let it ruin my life. But i am SO sick of feeling SO unstable. I'm SICK of feeling so fucking VUNERABLE. Im sick of freaking out over stupid crap, like the possibility the world may end in 2012, even though i am smart enough to know better.

Im angry with this illness. Anyone else feeling PISSED? Anyone else just plain SICK to death of it?

I have been waiting for my normal period to start.

[Amy1986]

I know how you feel, i myself have suffered for 5 years and its getting to the point that it really just needs to do one. Anger for some reason is the only way i seem to be able to deal with it. If i am angry then i can think logically that it is just a feeling and its stupid to be in such fear of something that i am creating in my head. Its interesting that it started when your nana died, assuming you were close with her? the good thing is that if this is the route of the problem then it may just be a process for which it needs to be explored, have you tried CBT?? or therapy?? Maybe you need to grieve, talk about her etc but then maybe it brought out fear of death and health anxieties too. Do you fear death? or more what aspects of it do you fear? its okay to be angry and certainly okay to be vunerable.

:) chin up dude

Amy

[Schatmeisje]

Oh me too, i get very frustrated and pissed off all the time, i gues its the uncertainty of what the next day will be like, sometimes i have awesome days and get out and about, then have two bad days where i cant get out of bed. The only way i have found to cope is to just accept the bad days and know that good days follow the bad ones so i sort of have something to look forward too. Also Mindfulness training has helped me a lot.
I hope you are feeling better x

[LollahLucy8907]

I totally understand. I have had anxiety my whole life--at least i think. i did not get diagnosed until I was a freshman in college, which was four years ago. I actually graduated from college in May of this year and was thrown into the real world--which is scary as hell. I started a job August 1st and they sent me to Denver, CO for 2 week training. I am from small town Iowa and I had never been to an official training before. My anxiety flared up then. When I have anxiety or feel anxious I start to cry. The professionals I have seen say it stems from when I was seven years old my father was killed in a train accident. Anyway...I started to cry during the training and the HR person pulled me aside and said that I was going to be a distraction to the class because of the tears. It makes me so mad that people don't accept that people get nervous and to say to me that I am a distraction--would they have said that to someone that had to go check their blood sugars? Doubt it! Just because you can't see mine or I can't give you a number doesn't mean I don't have something wrong.

They sent me back home where I was trained and dealt with the anxiety. I was doing pretty well in my job until last Monday when I had to have my appendix taken out. My anxiety comes in and tells me I can't go back to work, you can't do it, what if you cry more infront of these people. I tried to go back to work this monday I lost it all. My mom took me to the ER on Tuesday because I am SICK of it! I hate anxiety so much that I would do anything to get rid of it--brain surgery whatever. So here I am. Actually my counselor from college told me I needed to get on here and share my story because I always say I want people to understand me. I hope someone will understand me. Thank you for reading my post I really appreciate it.

-Katy