Anxiety is Killing Me

[ReDJacK]

These past couple of days this anxiety I have is feeling about as bad as it was when it first started the negative thoughts all just rushing in at firstWhen my anxiety all started which was about a year ago. I had thoughts of dying and was afraid of it but it'd always happen if i like drank caffeine or smoked or took pain killers from a surgery I had which wasn't very often for any of those but the anxiety wouldn't be so bad as long as I strayed from that stuff but now it's really killing me right now yesterday and today I've felt like the way I see things is different like in a weird way and from seeing stories on TV or w/e about people blacking out n hurting people I got it stuck in my head that's going to happen to me and I don't want to hurt anybody and when all this panic happens I cant calm myself I just feel like I'm going to explode and there's nothing i can do which kills me and makes me suffer more cause I'm stuck with this panic. I've tried deep breathes and listening to calming music but the ideas in my head just overwhelm me and I can't take it and i get this feeling in my stomach sorta like when people get butterflies in their stomach and all of it together just makes me want to break down. It's been hard to eat now and I feel like talking to anybody wouldn't help. I've tried going to a doctor multiple times for anxiety before but they always act like its no big deal and that everyone has anxiety. So i don't know what to do I'm afraid to go to sleep because everything gets weird when I try to sleep and I don't want to end up hurting anybody without me knowing If I do go to sleep. I'm very sorry for typing so much I just really need some help fast I feel really bad right now and don't know if I've addressed all the feelings I've been having correctly right now. But any sort of help or solutions would be greatly appreciated

[tirefryr]

You sound just like me, although I've not had any thoughts of hurting myself or anyone else. I feel for ya, and if it's this bad, you need to get some professional help IMMEDIATELY. Trust me, been there, done that. You can't expect immediate results, but just talking and getting it out there is the most important part.

Anxiety for me was easily controlled many years ago, now it just consumes me and has taken over my life to the point where I can't function normally. I am always sick and tired. In fact, I'm on this forum at this wee hour of 4AM because I woke up after 2 hours of sleep because I had a dream I was having a panic attack and woke up and had a panic attack.

It sound cliche, but you just have to keep on keepin on.

[Amy1986]

Dude,

Just keep swimming, :)

Like ol'tirefryr says, you need to seek help asap fellow. I has these thoughts at my worse possible point.5 years ago i was at my all time worse, agoraphobic, never ate, never slept, 24 hour panic machine and after 5 years i have controlled that the anxiety is always there but i dont let it bother me like it used to.

Anyway.... 5 years ago among all the other shit i was dealig with i had those thoughts, thoughts (and voices in my head) about killing people close to me, very vivid dreams of harming people etc used to wake my boyfriend up sobbing telling him i dont want to hurt you. But my dear forum buddy you wont, how do you feel when you think about hurting people?? other then anxiety what emotion crops up?? for me it was guilt, like i had already hurt someone, which i hadnt but the fact i felt guilt for this 'feeling' showed me i was incapable. You are only human, everyone with or without anxiety gets the odd random bad thought. Its one thing to think it and another to do it.

I was put on olaznapine (prob spelt wrong) which helped me sleep, regained my appietite and took the voices away. This wonderful med along side CBT saved my life. i have been med free for nearly 3 years now, :) hurrah for me!!! lol

My point is, with the right help whether it be from your doctor, personal support, charities that deal with mental illness etc you can overcome this fear. I went from not leaving the house, fearing death or murder, no job, quitting college and daily attacks to seeing the world, talking to people about my experiences, moving out, a big deal job etc.

If your doc wont listen,....make him listen. think i threatened sucide thinking about it....not that you should just my memory

Take care hun

Amy

[ReDJacK]

Dude,

Just keep swimming, :)

Like ol'tirefryr says, you need to seek help asap fellow. I has these thoughts at my worse possible point.5 years ago i was at my all time worse, agoraphobic, never ate, never slept, 24 hour panic machine and after 5 years i have controlled that the anxiety is always there but i dont let it bother me like it used to.

Anyway.... 5 years ago among all the other shit i was dealig with i had those thoughts, thoughts (and voices in my head) about killing people close to me, very vivid dreams of harming people etc used to wake my boyfriend up sobbing telling him i dont want to hurt you. But my dear forum buddy you wont, how do you feel when you think about hurting people?? other then anxiety what emotion crops up?? for me it was guilt, like i had already hurt someone, which i hadnt but the fact i felt guilt for this 'feeling' showed me i was incapable. You are only human, everyone with or without anxiety gets the odd random bad thought. Its one thing to think it and another to do it.

I was put on olaznapine (prob spelt wrong) which helped me sleep, regained my appietite and took the voices away. This wonderful med along side CBT saved my life. i have been med free for nearly 3 years now, :) hurrah for me!!! lol

My point is, with the right help whether it be from your doctor, personal support, charities that deal with mental illness etc you can overcome this fear. I went from not leaving the house, fearing death or murder, no job, quitting college and daily attacks to seeing the world, talking to people about my experiences, moving out, a big deal job etc.

If your doc wont listen,....make him listen. think i threatened sucide thinking about it....not that you should just my memory

Take care hun

Amy


It's more of that I'm afraid I'd do it unconsciously then knowingly do it and the whole idea of it all makes me sick and that I could never live with myself if anything like that were to ever happen. It's just a scary thought I know I would never let something like that happen and that it's mostly the things I read in the news or seen in movies thats plaguing my mind with the possibility of it all kinda like an irrational thought. I'm pretty sure I don't have any voices in my head telling me anything so I guess that's a good thing. Also even the idea of ever using any sort of weapon on anyone is unreal and too much to bare I don't think I could ever do such a thing even when I got in a fight many years ago after forcing myself to even throw one punch I felt my whole body freeze up like I couldn't do anything which makes me think in a serious situation I'd probably be helpless. The negative thoughts just eat at me and make my emotions run rampant along with the panic that comes with it all. I can't imagine actually getting help for this by a doctor I don't want to be vulnerable to them telling them all my problems that most likely can't be helped

[jessed03]

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?8274-Fear-of-Suicide-Not-suicidal.

Read this thread, a lot of your thoughts were discussed in detail on it.

[jessed03]

Long story short, it won't happen, these thoughts are based way back in your subconsious mind, the type that thinks up anything, and creates all those mega weird and crazy dreams we experience. It is never allowed to cross over into the logical forefront of the brain. It just isn't possible, they are utter worlds apart; too many evolutionary mechanisms are in place to prevent it, otherwise we'd all just go around psycho, the human race never would have survived.

Those that experience these psychopathic traits, that are capable of killing, do so because of different wiring. Charles Manson didn't go posting on forums terrified of killing people. He felt a totally different feeling of excitement, and pleasure at the thought. When you kiss a pretty girl, it isn't fear you feel, and thats why we pursue it, it feels good. Thats how these people feel when faced with evil. There was a pilot for Quantas airways, who suffered what you suffer, and left it untreated for 20 years. Every day, he had unbearable urges and thoughts to turn off the plan mid air, or to kill a copilot. In 20 years, 8 hours a day in mid air, he never did, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and treated. The basic fact is you won't act on this. I had these thoughts every 5 seconds, for years. They exist in a totally different dimension to all things that you do in reality based on logic.

As for the guilt and shame and feeling evil; you need therapy. Simple as that, it will help immensely, they'll help you desensitize to these images so that you stop focusing on them, and give you a actual plan of action far more detailed than a forum will ever give you. Maybe print this and give it to your doctor? He'll see you need more treatment.

If not, do what Amy did, and what I had to do too, get very serious about it, tell your doctor it is severe and causing you stress, and needs to be treated. I told them if they don't help me, they better section me, as I will be acutely suicidal. Sometimes you need to be adamant.

There are many people who get better for this, with the right help and treatment, you can too.

All the best,
J

[ReDJacK]

Long story short, it won't happen, these thoughts are based way back in your subconsious mind, the type that thinks up anything, and creates all those mega weird and crazy dreams we experience. It is never allowed to cross over into the logical forefront of the brain. It just isn't possible, they are utter worlds apart; too many evolutionary mechanisms are in place to prevent it, otherwise we'd all just go around psycho, the human race never would have survived.

Those that experience these psychopathic traits, that are capable of killing, do so because of different wiring. Charles Manson didn't go posting on forums terrified of killing people. He felt a totally different feeling of excitement, and pleasure at the thought. When you kiss a pretty girl, it isn't fear you feel, and thats why we pursue it, it feels good. Thats how these people feel when faced with evil. There was a pilot for Quantas airways, who suffered what you suffer, and left it untreated for 20 years. Every day, he had unbearable urges and thoughts to turn off the plan mid air, or to kill a copilot. In 20 years, 8 hours a day in mid air, he never did, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and treated. The basic fact is you won't act on this. I had these thoughts every 5 seconds, for years. They exist in a totally different dimension to all things that you do in reality based on logic.

As for the guilt and shame and feeling evil; you need therapy. Simple as that, it will help immensely, they'll help you desensitize to these images so that you stop focusing on them, and give you a actual plan of action far more detailed than a forum will ever give you. Maybe print this and give it to your doctor? He'll see you need more treatment.

If not, do what Amy did, and what I had to do too, get very serious about it, tell your doctor it is severe and causing you stress, and needs to be treated. I told them if they don't help me, they better section me, as I will be acutely suicidal. Sometimes you need to be adamant.

There are many people who get better for this, with the right help and treatment, you can too.

All the best,
J

Well that makes me feel alil better. Part of me just wishes there was just some way to magically make it all go away but I know that's not going to happen. It kinda makes me bitter that everyone else can live their life normally and I have this hanging over my head...

[jessed03]

Well that makes me feel alil better. Part of me just wishes there was just some way to magically make it all go away but I know that's not going to happen. It kinda makes me bitter that everyone else can live their life normally and I have this hanging over my head...

Yeah, I hear ya', I've felt that a lot the past couple years. Had to really restrain myself from sort of resenting people and becoming bitter. I suppose the only small plus side, is that medicine and therapy is so advanced now, that they have excellent ways of dealing with this. I couldn't imagine how hard this would have been a hundred years ago, when all this was taboo, and couldn't be talked about. At least now, theres a good chance you can see a therapist, who not only has knowledge on curing it, but most probably suffered from something similar too, and went on to live a normal, healthy life.

Have you tried any medication? It has a bad wrap, but can provide a lot of relief, and pretty quickly too if you find the right one. Some like Lexapro are specifically for thoughts that we've experienced. Do you have any habits or rituals that you repeat over and over, that could indicate any possibility of OCD?

All the best, hope it goes well trying to discuss it with your doctor, keep us informed. :) As Amy, myself, and Tire have said, it's definetly worth it to just deal with it now, and get the right help to get back on track, it will save you sooo much time and misery that trying to do it alone would.

J

EDIT: P.S. I've heard from various sources, that it's usually the most caring and considerate individuals, as well as the most creative and attentive that suffer this badly from such thoughts. It's why doctors don't get alarmed when you tell them :) They can see theres a good person in there, it's just become blurred for the patient to see it. I honestly thought I was going to get committed when I told my doctor about the thought's such as the ones you've been having. I kissed goodbye to my pets, and sort of put on a nice outfit. But when I got there, my doctor was very understanding, and wasn't alarmed at all, explained it to me, and gave me a good treatment plan, which has pretty much eradicated them from my mind and allowed me to enjoy a normal life again.

A good book if you want to read it is Brain Lock - Jeffrey Scwartz, it may be going cheaply on amazon somewhere.

[kellyzac]

Hi i can relate to those thoughts, you wont act on them. the fact that they worry you tells me that. Have you tried relaxation cd or tape they can be really good it wont happen the first time you listen to one but you need to relax your body and mind i know that sounds cliche but you do concentrate on relaxing yourself and positive thoughts. CBT is good but it is pointless if you are so worked up you cant take in what they are saying! Things will get easier i promise! Everytime you have those thoughts keep telling yourself they are only thoughts your mind playing tricks and eventualy it will take the fear out of them and they will go away. its all a vicious cycle you need to brake the cycle. Counsellers are good just to talk about your fears to...! hope this helps a little i know how terrible it can be.

[ReDJacK]

Hi i can relate to those thoughts, you wont act on them. the fact that they worry you tells me that. Have you tried relaxation cd or tape they can be really good it wont happen the first time you listen to one but you need to relax your body and mind i know that sounds cliche but you do concentrate on relaxing yourself and positive thoughts. CBT is good but it is pointless if you are so worked up you cant take in what they are saying! Things will get easier i promise! Everytime you have those thoughts keep telling yourself they are only thoughts your mind playing tricks and eventualy it will take the fear out of them and they will go away. its all a vicious cycle you need to brake the cycle. Counsellers are good just to talk about your fears to...! hope this helps a little i know how terrible it can be.


I just dont understand how talking to some counselor would help. Also I do try to relax and calm myself but it's pretty difficult it's like some euphoria or w/e comes over you and everything just feels weird and that helps breed the weird thoughts that I have. I try deep breathing but it really doesnt do much. Lastly sorry I havent posted much I've been trying to keep my mind off this anxiety but it keeps coming back so I find myself here again

[JayUhdinger]

CBT is really powerful. Basically what you will learn in a therapy is that you are not your thoughts and thoughts are just part of you. They will show you some ways to replace your thoughts with more helpful thoughts. Medicine fixes the symptoms while a therapy can fix the cause.

But as already mentioned in this thread, medicine can help you to calm down temporarily to even get to a level that you can start a therapy. All the best for you!

I have been suffering from cancer phobia for some years in the past.

[kellyzac]

hi , i dont know how talking to a counsellor works but it does trust me! have you tried medication i know everyone says stay away but i had to start it to calm my body down so other things like cbt and counselling can work. I know where your at i was there to! Once the meds kicked in a bit and my body got the rest it needed from being panic stricken 24 7 i made a decision to tackle it head on and deal with what must of been the underlying problem (even if i didnt no what it was!) i still fight the feelings everyday buts months on when i think back i cant believe the difference,nothing happens overnight though and right now it may seem like u'l feel like this forever but you wont and keep telling yourself that everyday.

[jon mike]

Hey, had quick scan of all that's mentioned, I think you need cbt, Ive not had although it would have done me good when I was where I was at the time, I read a book on act (acceptance commitment therapy) and it worked me out of a world of shit, it's called how to get outbid your mind and into your life, also those panic, anxiety programs are supposed to be ok, it's all so obvious when you actually accept it, sounds stupid but it's easy once your on the right line, 16 yrs of hell
i had until I just couldn't take anymore, message me if you need anything, Jon