Anger is the only thing that helps me!!!

[Amy1986]

So here is my story,

5 years ago i got out a very controlled abusive relationship. He was a mental/emotional abuser. I dont want to go into it as it hurts me to think about it. Subsequently i got ill, i remember my first attack like it was yesterday. I was on a train on the way to college, i was studying to be a chef at the time, i had an attack, people staring from my uncontrollable heaving breathing, fidgeting with my hands and crying. It felt like i was going to die, i thought i was dying!!!! So i thought it was trains and my poor mother had to drive me to school and i got the train back, as the train home (safety place) was okay. So then it started happening at college and i started walking out of classes, calling in sick and getting behind so i quit, i quit my job too after an episode of screaming and throwing pans etc. i became a hermit, i never left the house and someone had to be with me at home at all times to give me any medical attention i may need as by this time i was hearing voices that i was going to die, that i deserved to die and that i would hurt people if i left the house.......this was the LAST straw!!!!!! i would NOT be defeated by a feeling so i went to my doctor and got on anti-Ds and something to help me eat/sleep as i'd down to 6st at 5ft 2in. my partner at the time was the only reason i didnt kill myself. i started CBT and got set 'homework' and tasks. i came out of it in a manner of speaking but even now i suffer daily with panic attacks, negetive thoughts and dark moods. its creeping back it seems, i have found myself making less effort with ppl, my partner is a saint truely...poor guy, i dont deserve him. i have lost friends and been labeled crazy. i cant take anymore!!!

[Amy1986]

Its very hard to think about what he put me through, if it wasnt total disrespect and belittling it was verbal abuse and physical threats. In very low times i dont look after myself, when i was really ill (the time i mentioned) i didnt take care of myself, if i fear death and all causes and i am alone i think to myself i need to do everything to prevent this, so eating (or maybe chocking) i cannot do alone. I understand my feelings, when it first started happening i looked it all up and i started CBT which i have mentioned, which gave me a great understanding of it and the fact its (just a feeling, which cannot harm you) i have a very understanding group of people in my life, my partner and my mum especially. My mum suffered with the same thing, like me it was about control, about embaressment. My partners sister is OCD/anxiety/depression and never goes out etc so he knows about it. trying to help her too. :)

[marsgirl]

Hi Amy and kev,

Amy - I know how you feel as (like kev) my father was very controlling. He still is. I sometimes visit my parents and now I see he was scared and anxious (we had money problems and no doubt he suffered anger and depression himself)..not that that escuses the appalling behaviour of these ppl, but it kind of helps me to realised that ppl that do this to you are most likely sick themselves - which is why they have to control others - bc they feel a lack of control in their own lives. Of course, I still suffer the residue of anxiety myself - but it helps to stand up to my dad now and see him for a weak character who had to be violent sometimes to be heard. I spent years feeling angry and depressed that I had to be in that situation ---- but ----and this is where Kev 's advise comes in brilliant (you are a wise man) - we CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST, ONLY OUR RESPONSE TO IT. So you cannot change the yers you wasted with the loser...believe me I wasted a few years here and there with other toixc ppl - and like you that got me down.

But I think when we are mentally not 100% we seem to attract other "ill" ppl and ppl with problems. As kev said ;"I have noticed that you have said its about control a few times . It is not . It is about letting go and accepting things as they are . We have very little control , we cant control things that happen to us or the people around us but the one thing we can control is what we chose to think.". So I chose to accept I born in the family I was born in, it wasn't fair, but I had no control over it - but I do have control over MY LIFE NOW. It took my years to find my own self-worth, build my confidence. I went to Uni, completed a degree, travelled the world, exercised, did the best I could for MYSELF - and eventually I met a gorgeous guy, so gentle, caring, so smart, he's lawyer and now we live really well and have 2 gorgeous, healthy little children. And know what?? Now my parents help out and are the best grand-parents you could hope for, they love the kids, and finally tell me how proud they are of me and so on, so on...

Every morning remind yourself that through no fault of yours (maybe part chemical imbalance, part circumstance) (as it was in my case), but you have the SUPPORT of wonderful ppl around you. You also have this forum and Kev and others are awesome, patient, giving ppl here, we are so, so lucky. Some ppl literally have no-one or are dirt poor they truly have no options. Trust, I have travelled in the world where ppl have nothing, sometimes no limbs and they still survive, and overcome the worst life has thrown at them - so we can!!!

I am sorry for making this post so long, I could re-read it and edit it, but then I may lose what I wanted to get across to you. I feel for you as I was kind of there, but now I am in a MUCH happier place and I honestly did not think it was possible.

So why am I on this forum you may ask? WEll, sometimes, I still suffer anxiety...like I recently lost 4yrs of photos of my gorgeous kids on my computer bc the HDD crashed and I didnt back up (very stupid and careless) so I am a bit depressed about that --- but coming to terms with the loss...and accepting I made a mistake and now I BACK UP ALL THE TIME (LOL). I tell myself it could have been worse, better now than years later when I wld have lost more...lucky I printed some pics out and emailed me so it's a few hundred photos instead of a few 1,000 - right and do we really need thousands of photos?? Anways, this is what I say to myself to overcome my anxiety.

Hope this helps sweet Amy..many of us have been there and ARE better, are coping, but it may be part of our make-up that we need to face these challenged somewhat for the rest of our lives...

Accept the help this forum and its ppl can offer.

Kev - you are such a great support, thank you

Thanks for listening and taking the time to read this (I feel better!) lol,
marsgirl x (real name brigitte)

[marsgirl]

p.s. sorry for spelling mistakes - i did this in a rush!! MG X

[jessed03]

p.s. sorry for spelling mistakes - i did this in a rush!! MG X

Not good enough marsgirl, we're going to have to ban you :)... hehe only joking. Thats a great post :)

I think anger isn't a terrible emotion to feel, but you need to find a way to release it, and the ways of releasing it are so personal to a persons situation. Over time, and through self discovery, which you'll learn as you pick up tips to deal with anxiety, you'll also discover the mindset that you need to move on from a situation. It really takes time, it's such an in depth learning experience. You aren't doing badly :) You're heading in the right direction, and you'll keep learning.

Like many on here, I had a very controlling father, who was very emotionally controlling. With time, you'll sort of become bigger than these problems, and I know it's impossible to feel it now. As for people thinking you're crazy; it's sort of the package that comes with anxiety. All of us have had those "crazy moments", but they become less and less.

Everyone's here to help :) PM's will probably be replied too quicker

[Amy1986]

Well guys and gals,
So nice to read about your equally shite experiences, bit ironic really but how chris treated me is how i have been known to treat others. Take my partner Ryan for instance, he has alot of experience in this field, he is passive and probably the sweetest man alive and i intend to marry this guy and i love him too much. I have a tendency to push ppl away, almost like a sub-concious need to be unhappy and alone. It my way of self-harm. i get into my head that i probably deserved this treatment, especially when i was ill and lashed out ALOT at my family and my then partner ben. I dont know how to explain it only to say that your right, chris's family were messed up, parents in seperate bedrooms that clearly should have divorced as they bloody hated eachother, a sister with a drug problem and then chris who had anxiety and bi polar, who self harmed, who needed weed to sleep and took friggin tranqs to relax, who had a temper on him and forced me to call him mother a C**T, who screamed at his father and used to rub my face into the carpet when i spilt water.

In a way if it wasnt for him, i probably nevr would have met ben, my ex, who i owe my life. Ben took care of me at my worse and gave me a wonderful 4 years but was clear he was only with me because he felt he had to be so we ended.

But now i am with Ryan, nearly at 3 yrs and i love him too much (i say this because i have a total fear of loosing him, and get a little obsessive) i am such a great catch eh lol


Amy

[ReneeA]

i love him too much (i say this because i have a total fear of loosing him, and get a little obsessive) i am such a great catch eh lol



I can totally relate to that, & feeling like anger is the only way to cope. The anger is actually my biggest issue. I'm so in love with my fiance, but all the "crap" that comes along with constantly feeling the way I do is a heavy burden on our relationship. He's dealing with issues of his own as well (depression mostly) because his has a disability & feels trapped. We're quite a match!

Some days are worse than others for sure, but we're committed to one another & willing to do what it takes to make this work. Sounds like you feel the same about Ryan.