Hi, my name is Amy

[AmyC]

I'm going to be 32 years old tomorrow. I've suffered from anxiety/depression/bi polar disorder for about 15 years now. I've been on almost every medication out there. I've been over prescribed, under prescribed on those medications which in turn made me homicidal, and suicidal. I've been in rehab twice for substance abuse, (all legal medications, but just as dangerous as the illegal ones) my depression and anxiety has been unbearable at times.
I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm done COPING. I can't COPE anymore. It's great when I feel good, but it's terrifying because I know my next panic attack isn't far away. I want to crawl out of my own skin. I cry. I lock myself into my room. I've become a hypochondriac. I always feel like I'm dying. I am exhausted. I am desperate. I've been surfing the net trying to find ways to help myself and I did find a site that has something called the Panic Puzzle Program. I'm very interested in trying it, but I was curious if anyone here has already and if they can testify that it's worth the money.
Sorry this is so long. But thanks for reading.

[AmyC]

I've also mentioned in a couple other posts I've responded to some other things that I've been going through. The horrible thoughts that I have are terrifying. I envision myself killing people. Like another user on here, I don't like being around weapons of any sort. Nothing sharp, nothing heavy, nothing that can inflict pain on another. I fear I will black out and do something horrendous. So I just stay away from EVERYTHING basically. I can no longer watch shows on tv that have anything to do with crime, fearing I'll get new ideas, or have more nightmares. I've waken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking I've done something terrible. I've had to check on everyone in the house just to make sure everyone is alright.
At this point in my life the only thing that I have that gets me through these extreme episodes of panic is my Ativan. But even it's effectiveness is weakening. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to listen. I've made an appointment with my Psychiatrist that I don't even really like, but my appointment isn't until October... Freaking OCTOBER! What I'm supposed to do in the meantime, I have no clue. I just know right now, I'm scared.

[AmyC]

wow... I must really be alone on this after all.... this is a crappy support forum. :-(

[marsgirl]

Hi AMYC - PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP!! I am here...just joined the forum yesterday. I know how you feelm you are NOT alone, trust me and I don't know if this forum can help but let's give it a try shall we??

Here is a bit about myself so you know where I am coming from...I am 45yrs old, married, with 2 small kids and have suffered anxiety for most of my life. Much of it is to do with my childhood as my parents were immigrants to Australia (where I now live) and so had very few friends, were poor, were socially inept, suffered anxiety when/if ppl dropped by and our place was always messy, dirty, .....I realise it wasn't their fault they were poor and disadvantaged, but they were very negligent parents, never let us kids do anything (bc it was too dangerous, ie, go to the city to watch a move, bc we might be robbed, raped, kidnapped or murderd?? Imagine growing up in that environment...it's amazing I am not a total nutcase!~!

So...as some-one on another post said...we need to RE-LEARN SOCIAL SKILLS WHICH TAKES TIME. I still sometimes feel embarrassed if my house is messy...or I feel I don't look as good as I can, or I am not as slim as I feel I should be...the list goes on - even though I have married well, studied and became a teacher, live in a beautiful home, take good care of my health and look good...(I am not wanting to brag, but just explain how the outside world views me) ---so I don't understand how I sometimes I STILL feel insecure, judged, inadequte - it's like I still seem to live in the past and remember all the shame of living with my parents (who I do love) but they are immensely ignorant, negligent and slovenly...even today I feel depressed when I visit them and how they live. They have money but are very stingy in how they live and this deeply affected me as I never felt I was good enough. I wish I could shake this off...it's horrible and eats all your confidence. How do you escape that?? I guess I still have my hang-ups about the past even though I have in many ways moved forward.

I am on anti-depressants too (cipramil) and that helps somewhat but I think CBT may be the way for us to re-learn new coping skills - have you tried that before?? Look forward to hearing from you. BEST, MARSGIRLX

[hypnotherapylondonclinic]

Hey Amy. I just went to the panic puzzle website and it is very well presented. Their system may work quite well on some people because it seems to focus on managing the the symptoms of panic and anxiety. I can't see it doing any harm and it seems quite cheap.

I am a London based Clinical Hypnotherapist and have worked with a lot of people with similar conditions to you. There is a way for you to become resilient to what your mind and body is communicating to you at a particular time. But it takes training.

Have you every seen a mum completely ignore the childhood demands of a frustrated five year old who wants another sweet? The mum hears, sees and feels their child's emotional outburst but does not get sucked into the drama of it. They know that the episode will soon pass and if they give into the demands of the child they will reinforce the child's behaviour so it will be worse the next time.

How does the mum stay so cool when her child is so upset? Is it because she doesn't love her child? No its because she detaches. She doesn't believe the outpouring of emotion from the child as having any real merit or validity. She doesn't believe the child if it says cruel things like "I hate you", she doesn't believe that their head will explode because its gone so red from the screaming, she doesn't believe she needs beat the child into submission so they will never ask for a sweet again.

You need to find a way to learn how to detach from some of your thoughts and feelings. To not get sucked into the drama.

Team up with someone who can help you recognise what thoughts and feelings are worth noticing and what thoughts and feelings are not worth your time or energy. It can be managed Amy.

[AmyC]

Thank you all for responding. I've been on edge, therefore a bit cranky, and for that I apologize. I would first like to address Marsgirl: I understand the embarrassment of an unclean home. I too, grew up in one. My mom didn't keep a clean house. As the oldest of 5 children, I was pretty much the caregiver, maid, and mom. It was really hard on me too. But in the same sense I think it made me who I am today. I keep my house clean, and divide chores between my children. I don't just make one of them do everything like my mom tried to do...Although at times I feel I am giving up and fear I will turn into my mother and follow in her footsteps. But my husband is very supportive and tries to keep me on my feet.
Hypnotherapylondonclinic: I've bought the panic puzzle today. I really have high expectations of it. And I think if I do what it tells me, it will help me. I understand that I need to detach from the drama of life. But I just don't know how. I've tried everything from meditation to EMDR, to hypnosis to medications. This is really my last resort.
Forwells, please feel free to PM me as well. I'm all ears.

Again, thank you all for your responses. It is truly appreciated.

[marsgirl]

Hi AmyC, It's great to hear you have learnt some lessons from your mum (e.g. like how to keep a clean house, etc). I try to do the same, although I have gone overboard and became very anxious if my husband even lays the coffee wine or wine-glass in the wrong place!! (so extreme is my desire to keep the house under control, clean and tidy). You are also lucky to have a supportive husband, and I am sure you go to pains to make sure you equally divide chores amongst your children. Have you had a chance to try the Panic Puzzle Program yet? I wld love to hear how you go with it. As for me, I also have an appt with my psychiatrist in 3wks or so as I am not sure my meds are working for me at the moment. In the meantime, I have met some amazingly supportive ppl on this forum in just a couple of days and already I feel very encouraged to try CBT (THANKS GARRY :)), so don't give up hope, as there is bound to be some-one here you can relate to and hopefully get help from. Best of Luck with the Puzzle Program, and feel free to PM any time you feel you need to talk...I am a mum too and I think we have extra stress iwth worrying about our kids, 'eh? ALL THE BEST, MARSGIRLX

[AmyC]

Thank you Marsgirl, I just got a conformation email today that my puzzle program has been shipped and will be here in a few days. I'm very excited to start it. I will be glad to let you know how it goes. I pray for success with everyone who has to deal with this anxiety disease. I'll be in touch.

[Amy1986]

AmyC,

I feel your pain sister!! I used to have horrific thoughts/voices in my head telling me i would die, or i would kill. I used to throw myself into my mums or my partners arms in a horrific mess. My mum used to say its one thing to think it and a whole new thing to actually do it. i used to wake up in the middle of the night, wake my partner sobbing that i was scared of hurting him. It will be okay i promise you. I still suffer from the very rare terrible thought but i have to remember that everyone, literally everyone has thoughts sometimes, nothing to be ashamed of and i totally understand how you feel. CBT was my way out, also hypnotherapy was cool to try to figure the cause.

Hope your okay

[AmyC]

Just checking in~ I wanted to let you all know that I've been doing the Panic Puzzle Program and I am very very impressed so far. I highly recommend it if you are seriously wanting to end your anxiety. I am learning so much from it. But you HAVE to do the exercises and participate.

[jessed03]

Just checking in~ I wanted to let you all know that I've been doing the Panic Puzzle Program and I am very very impressed so far. I highly recommend it if you are seriously wanting to end your anxiety. I am learning so much from it. But you HAVE to do the exercises and participate.

Good to hear Amy :)

I've never checked that program out, never heard much about it. I may give it a read through to see if theres anything to pick up.