derealization, hypochondria, depression, anxiety.... that's me!

[queenofanxiety]

I'm a 24 year old female, and I've been having severe anxiety issues since I was very young.. It started to interfere with my life at the age of 15, when I had my first episode of feeling derealization.

I was sitting at the kitchen table on a Sunday night and the thought occurred to me - "what if the world isn't real? what if it's all inside my head?" and it was like that thought just triggered the most intense anxiety ever (I should mention I was under extreme stress due to a best friend's boyfriend professing his love to me. Ahhh 15 year old girl issues). For the next three years I felt like I was in a fog. I felt like I could not handle the stimuli of the world - lights, sounds, everything just seemed too much to handle. I went into a horrible depression because I felt like since nothing is real, then nothing matters. I went to a few therapists and tried a few medications - nothing helped.

When I went away to college, things got a lot better. I think that the new environment distracted me. My hypochondria (irrational fear of contracting AIDS mostly was my biggest issue) was there, but it wasn't too bad for a good couple years.
Then my parents went through a very nasty divorce and I lost my two best friends. I had the most severe panic attack I had ever experienced. It literally brought me to my knees, and then I was back in that fog again. The derealization fog. I was literally having panic attacks 24/7 for the next 8 months. I became underweight and could barely function.

Somehow I continued college and eventually got better again. I graduated and got a great job and am in the best relationship with my live in boyfriend that I plan on marrying. Only problem is that those old feelings are starting to creep back in. Since starting this job, and moving in with my boyfriend I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. I find myself questioning if things are real or not and have a slew of physical symptoms (lightheadedness, dizziness, difficulty bretahing, shaking, sweating, racing heart) and it all scares the shit out of me.

I am not on any medication but I'm beginning to think I should be. I'm so terrified that I will go back to that derealization fog. I don't think I could handle it again. The last time it happened I had thoughts of suicide and was hospitalized for two days. I'm so afraid of what could happen if I get back into that state of mind.
I have a good support system but I feel so alone most of the time, even though I know there are others with this problem. I feel so stupid and embarrassed because I see everyone else able to just enjoy life. I feel like every minute of my life is spent worrying about such stupid things like "what is reality?"

If anyone else has these problems, I'd love to talk. I'm tired of being alone in this.. because I feel like no matter how many people I tell, they never quite understand what it's life.


Thanks and have a great day :)

[Mtowns]

Hi, I am new here today and read your post. I have been having anxiety and some panic attacks for about 2 months now. I remember the exact day it happened. I am a 40 year old male with basically zero problems until that day. I have been looking over my shoulder ever since and have no idea what triggered it. When it happened I could not stop crying and shaking. The intrusive negative thoughts controlled me. I thought I was crazy and literaly checked myself into a mental health facility for 3 days because I was so terrified. It took me going there to realize that anxiety panic disorder is more common than I thought and treatable. In fact most of the people at the facility had much bigger issues. Which made me feel slightly better about my condition. You are definatley not alone, in fact just reading and replying to these posts makes me feel a little better.

I have a family with kids and a great support network as well, but sometimes I feel like a burden and that maybe they don't quite understand. I take two steps forward and think the whole thing is behind me then I have a bad day like today which makes me despare that I will never get on top of this. I have been on medication (a lite dose of Citalopram) for 7 weeks now. I think it has helped but am not sure. I have been trying exercise as much as I can, but the stress of the whole thing has caused me to lose my appetite and over 10 pounds which for me is a lot. I worry this will go on forever and that I may have passed it on to my kids!

I am seeing if forums like these can help us all cope better!

[lalalauren]

Hi. I'm also new today and your post seemed right up my alley. I am similar in age, 22, and started having panic attacks around 17. I find it inspiring you were able to do college and meet the man of your dreams and still overcome despite your terrible anxiety. My example, I have been unable to leave my home at times so I find online school the most appropriate. I don't have many friends as I rarely get out. My anxiety has overwhelmed my life and I guess in fear, I just kind of have turned into a recluse over the years. Do you have any tips for how you handled school and getting out of the house?

[queenofanxiety]

lalalalauren - I have never had issues with leaving the house.. in fact sometimes it is the only thing that calms me down. I know what you mean though. I find it hard to be places for very long before I start to get anxious and panicky. The way I deal with this is to make sure that I'm stimulating my brain as much as possible. I went to school for a subject I was extremely passionate about and I really threw myself into my studies. I forced myself to do things and go places I knew would make me anxious. Now I'm at a job I love, but being here 9-5 everyday gets monotonous and therefore induces anxiety for me. To fix this, again, I just have to constantly stimulate my brain during down toime (which I have a lot of ) by watching funny youtube videos or reading about interesting things. I take public transportation every day and this used to cause me extreme anxiety until I figured out that if I listen to music really loud in my headphones, it distracts me and calms me down. For me, it's all about distracting my brain. Sometimes it is exhausting, but I'd rather do this than take medication.
My advice to you is to just force yourself to go out, even if it feels uncomfortable. I'm sure you have at least one friend.. go out with them. Give them a call, I'm sure they will be happy to go out with you! Fake it until you make it. If you ever watch those shows about agoraphobia on TV, their main mode of therapy is to force the person to go outside. Do this for yourself! It will be uncomfortable but the more you do it, the more used to it you will get. Good luck to you!!

[Solowka]

Hi, I`m also new to this site but have been suffering witgh anxiety/panic attacks and depression for the last 15 years. i`m a 40 y/o male, the anxiety had disappeared for a few years but due to recent events they`ve come back with a vengence :-(

[infear]

i'm new to this forum and closely identify with your post. i have an irrational fear revolving around my boyfriend. we have a wonderful, nearly perfect relationship and it's what i've been looking for (and afraid of) my whole life. we've been so happen and then, out of no where, doubts are creeping in. at first my brain told repeatedly asked me if i really love him. when i overcame that my brain started to turn my good memories to scary memories (as in...the things i enjoyed, the moments i felt most loved...taking those good feelings and making them bad). it's so hard to overcome.

[victor.gatto]

your not alone, because everything you said, that is exactly what i am going through right now.

[overwhelmedteen]

Queenofanxiety, holy hell, you described exactly what I am going through, like right spot on what im going through. I hope we get better, im tired of feeling like this, I feel like I will never get better and like everything is unreal. Really hard to explain.

I have a question for everyone, I don't have that many phsycial symptoms when it comes to anxiety. I get racing heart, shaking, difficulty breathing, and sweating and chills sometimes but since I don't have that many physical symptoms does that mean I don't have anxiety? I get scared thinking I have something else even though I got diagnosed with GAD, I just get scared too easily

[cashbread]

hi mtowns
i am also 40 and suffer from anxiety its just funny were the same age i have also a nice family but it is still hard
i hope you and i and all the members of this forum will be well soon

[gabrielsays]

hey queen,
Another 24 year old here who can relate to everything you have said. I was also surprised to see you mention aids as that came into play with my anxiety a few years back too, I watched a series called Angels in America which is all about the aids outburst in america in the 80's and convinced myself that i had contracted it, but also maybe worse, i may have given it to my girlfriend of the time. Ended up having all the venereal checkups and getting the all clear which definitely was a huge relief but is till find myself asking 'what if' especially as time has moved on. I guess the thing about all similarities popping up in alot of the threads on this site is how anxiety does try to always latch itself on to some sort of physical disease or ailment, i think its your rational mind wanting to have something to rely on rather than that horrible limbo of always worry, or just fearing the fear as it were. Its weird how this is also in a way trying to help you by saying if its something physical/diagnosable then at least i can get treatment or aleviate the symptons, but of course when its something as disastrous as a disease such as aids it can end up making you even more paranoid and fearful. On a positive note, when i see so many other people who can relate to these situations, especially one as precise as what you were saying, it gives me hope that all the symtpons and the horrible feelings that come with them are just the anxiety, and therefore, arent every going to every prove a real life threatening risk and will be treatable.
The derealisation is probably one of the hardest factors. I find in terms of my actual visualisation/perception is concerned, mine is always worse in wide open spaces, like going into the city or parks etc. Its almost like having a feeling of vertigo all the time. I also find that although i may not be suffering from a specific panic attack or generalised anxiety. I am obsessing over the feelings and the thought that they may never be cured, i guess right not the best way to handle them is to not give in, although that is easier said than done, especially when each day feels like a movie or script being played out rather than actual real life choices.
I also feel that any change in situation, as small as getting on the subway, or as large moving home or country can be a likely trigger for anxiety, or even just the baseline negative thoughts that can grow into it. I guess its just the safety of familiarity that comes with surroundings you know, although in terms of logical safety and support anywhere you live in towns or cities are probably the same, you will always feel that a place you have known for some time will offer you the greatest peace of mind because you are aware of everything around you, and dont need to test the waters so to speak. By challenging these feelings, and making oursevles go out, go to work, function in the outdoorworld and at times be in situations that normally would be stressful or troubling, we gain familiarity of them and no longer fear the worst.
In terms of medication, sometimes you may find one that really works and helps and sometimes it can make it harder. I think if you are naturally an easily stimulated person, than it would probably be best to avoid alot of the SSRI's on the market as they tend to cause the worst side effects, CBT sounds like it could be a real benefit but whatever the case you are always best speaking with a health professional about what sort of treatment benefits you the most.
Anyways hope this helps and that everything is going well for you in the meantime,

[Harly]

Wow, I think I know exactly what you are going through. Allthough I haven't been suffering from it as long as you do, I strongly relate to your symptoms. My anxiety set off "ligthly" enough (when I look back at it). Got my self admitted to a hospital when I thought for some reason I would lose control and kill a lot of people but the same kind of thoughts you started to have haunts me every minut of every day now.I can feel how this is slowly, but surely breaking me down psycichly. The weird way you all of a sudden give the question of reality, meaning, relevance and importance. like if I had just woken up from a 20 year long sleep and was viewing the world for the first time out of sheer fear. I'm constantly on edge, I can't look at the stars any more, for I would feel so small and fragile, unstable followed by strong surges of angst when I involuntarily would simulate the size of the univserse in my head.

Welcome!
Let's hope we recover fully!

[Harly]

To overwhelmedteen: Not all exibit distinct physical symptoms, some exibit very few. Me personally only really exibit anything physical when I'm on the verge of doing something radical during a panic attack like calling the police to come pick me up before I do something terrible(which is not something I think I will do, it's just that I fear I might do it, and my outlook on the world gets coated with a couple of extra layers of anxiety). But thats when It becomes extreme. For example right now as I'm writing this, I have very strong fears that our planet will all of a sudden collapse within the next hour, fear that I will kill myself in the next hour and worry about whether or not I'm evil. My puls is at 58/minut, a bloodpressure of 105/72, no shortness of breath, no light headedness, no shaking, no trembling, just a tad restlessness. what you are describing doesn't necessarily confine your condition to general anxiety disorder, but you can be very certain that whatever it is you are dealing with, It is brought on by anxiety. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything like that, but I have been compelled to read up on a lot of stuff. Which is something you must never do if you scare easily like me. As a hypocondriac you will feel compelled to look up other causing deseases, maybe even theorize yourself, but they will only bring more anxiety, just trust the docters.