AtomicApple
07-28-2011, 10:09 AM
Hi im Mike ^_^
How to begin, i suppose ill get the first thing over with, i suffer from headaches. Nearly everyday. Ive had a brain scan and it revealed nothing so it must be me. I suppose i should be suprised.
Recently ive been trying to give form to my problems and map them out so to speak so i know exactly what im dealing with.
Now for afew years now ive suffered from depression. It would come and go but would always be there in the background, every second of everday. Somtimes it gets really bad and i literally have to fight through those times, alone because nobody i know understands or believes me. Even my own parents dont believe me, they say a person my age (20) cant get depressed.
It can feel like im the only person in the world who feels like this at times. Thats why knowing im not alone helps at times. But im still dealing with it all by myself which can get hard.
I also suffer from insomnia, i rarly get any sleep, and when i do its broken, i can go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 4am and not get back to sleep till 7am. Every night sleep is as hard for me as someone trying to hold there breath underwater it just doesnt come naturally. So i got some sleeping pills but they only added to my depression so i had to stop taking them.
I feel exactly how Edward nortons character in fight club feels in his life. Its scary how close it is.
Now the depression started early maybe afew years ago, i was bullied at school and everyone i thought could help me didnt. I could see even the teachers found it funny.
Thats when one of my problems was born i suppose you could say.
If i look at myself inside the best description i can think of is two faces, im in two parts.
When i was at school instead of fighting back i pushed down all my anger, eventually one day somthing just clicked and i stopped feeling. I couldnt laugh or cry i felt dead.
Eventually i learnt to deal with it but people still see me as cold but i dont want to be i just really dont feel as much as i should, although thats not to say i dotn feel anything, mostly today i feel like any normal person except for afew things.
Then about 2 years ago i was sitting in a cinema when i started to panic, i was sweating and hyperventalating, i thought i was going to die. I ran out and spent over 40 minutes having to silently deal with a full blown panic attack running in and out of the film. I did this because my friend was there and i was totally ruining the movie for him
Its only after going online did i figure out what it was. This attack was so bad it felt like i had been ripped out of my body and shoved back in wrong. I didnt feel right in my own skin anymore, i started feeling sick all the time. It was like my body thought i had died.
I still dont feel right in my own body anymore. I had to get used to all the normal stuff again such as going out, meeting friends and such. Becuase everytime i thought about it i would start to feel sick dizzy.
After almost admitting that this was going to be my life from then on i started to work out connections between my problems.
As i mentioned eariler i had pushed down my anger and in the last year or so i relized that theres so much of it built up shoved down that i can never let it out, i can feel it somtimes when i get anger. I can feel it pushing out of my body, i start to get dizzy.
I have to really fight to push it back inside and lock it away again, everytime it gets harder now.
Also my biggest personal demon is self loathing, but its not me, this thing became its own personality of sorts. I think it did because of what i did to myself emotionally with my anger and such. But it says things it knows that will hurt me, make me feel ill, make me hate myself. This thing wants nothing more than to destroy me in the most painful way possible.
somtimes i have to yell louder in my head to drown it out, i just dont understand how my mind could have become so fragmented. I didnt grow my emotions properly when i was growing up i repressed them and i suppose stuck inside they became bitter and twisted against me. Sounds stupid doesnt it, or some plot to a stupid movie i know im living it.
Somdays its not bad but its always there in the back of my mind, as i said eariler about the two face thing. Theres me as i am, and im quite normal but maybe too cold and following logic other than feeling but theres the other fragmented parts of my personality, parts of me i tried to deny and repress and now there against me, the emotional parts, a raging torrent of anger, passion, creativity, rage, hate, doubt and self destruction and other things.
I just dont know what to do with it, i can channel it into art which is my passion and they say art comes from personal pain and i carry buckets of that.
I feel like one of those characters in some religious books. The people who cause pain to themselves as punishment.
I dont really like talking about this stuff im just hoping maybe you'll understand on here. most people would just laugh at me if i told them.
oh i do know how to drag the mood down
How to begin, i suppose ill get the first thing over with, i suffer from headaches. Nearly everyday. Ive had a brain scan and it revealed nothing so it must be me. I suppose i should be suprised.
Recently ive been trying to give form to my problems and map them out so to speak so i know exactly what im dealing with.
Now for afew years now ive suffered from depression. It would come and go but would always be there in the background, every second of everday. Somtimes it gets really bad and i literally have to fight through those times, alone because nobody i know understands or believes me. Even my own parents dont believe me, they say a person my age (20) cant get depressed.
It can feel like im the only person in the world who feels like this at times. Thats why knowing im not alone helps at times. But im still dealing with it all by myself which can get hard.
I also suffer from insomnia, i rarly get any sleep, and when i do its broken, i can go to bed at 11pm and wake up at 4am and not get back to sleep till 7am. Every night sleep is as hard for me as someone trying to hold there breath underwater it just doesnt come naturally. So i got some sleeping pills but they only added to my depression so i had to stop taking them.
I feel exactly how Edward nortons character in fight club feels in his life. Its scary how close it is.
Now the depression started early maybe afew years ago, i was bullied at school and everyone i thought could help me didnt. I could see even the teachers found it funny.
Thats when one of my problems was born i suppose you could say.
If i look at myself inside the best description i can think of is two faces, im in two parts.
When i was at school instead of fighting back i pushed down all my anger, eventually one day somthing just clicked and i stopped feeling. I couldnt laugh or cry i felt dead.
Eventually i learnt to deal with it but people still see me as cold but i dont want to be i just really dont feel as much as i should, although thats not to say i dotn feel anything, mostly today i feel like any normal person except for afew things.
Then about 2 years ago i was sitting in a cinema when i started to panic, i was sweating and hyperventalating, i thought i was going to die. I ran out and spent over 40 minutes having to silently deal with a full blown panic attack running in and out of the film. I did this because my friend was there and i was totally ruining the movie for him
Its only after going online did i figure out what it was. This attack was so bad it felt like i had been ripped out of my body and shoved back in wrong. I didnt feel right in my own skin anymore, i started feeling sick all the time. It was like my body thought i had died.
I still dont feel right in my own body anymore. I had to get used to all the normal stuff again such as going out, meeting friends and such. Becuase everytime i thought about it i would start to feel sick dizzy.
After almost admitting that this was going to be my life from then on i started to work out connections between my problems.
As i mentioned eariler i had pushed down my anger and in the last year or so i relized that theres so much of it built up shoved down that i can never let it out, i can feel it somtimes when i get anger. I can feel it pushing out of my body, i start to get dizzy.
I have to really fight to push it back inside and lock it away again, everytime it gets harder now.
Also my biggest personal demon is self loathing, but its not me, this thing became its own personality of sorts. I think it did because of what i did to myself emotionally with my anger and such. But it says things it knows that will hurt me, make me feel ill, make me hate myself. This thing wants nothing more than to destroy me in the most painful way possible.
somtimes i have to yell louder in my head to drown it out, i just dont understand how my mind could have become so fragmented. I didnt grow my emotions properly when i was growing up i repressed them and i suppose stuck inside they became bitter and twisted against me. Sounds stupid doesnt it, or some plot to a stupid movie i know im living it.
Somdays its not bad but its always there in the back of my mind, as i said eariler about the two face thing. Theres me as i am, and im quite normal but maybe too cold and following logic other than feeling but theres the other fragmented parts of my personality, parts of me i tried to deny and repress and now there against me, the emotional parts, a raging torrent of anger, passion, creativity, rage, hate, doubt and self destruction and other things.
I just dont know what to do with it, i can channel it into art which is my passion and they say art comes from personal pain and i carry buckets of that.
I feel like one of those characters in some religious books. The people who cause pain to themselves as punishment.
I dont really like talking about this stuff im just hoping maybe you'll understand on here. most people would just laugh at me if i told them.
oh i do know how to drag the mood down