jm816
07-26-2011, 11:09 PM
All my life I have had some degree of anxiety, I suspect higher than average. I never thought much of it until the past few years. In high school, I had trouble speaking in front of the class (I would sometimes literally shake) and was never very good at making friends. I myself wasn't one of the popular kids, so to speak, but my friends were. I was a normal, well adjusted teenager, but I suppose I was lacking in self-confidence. I had one girlfriend in high school, which only lasted about a semester. I believe I was somewhat naive and we wanted very different things from the relationship.
In college, I overcame many of the fears I had in high school and made plenty of friends in my dorm. In my junior year of college, however, I picked up a steady girlfriend. We spent an unhealthy amount of time together, and my grades slipped. I eventually graduated with a 2.7 GPA, and having made straight A's in high school and gone to my first pick for college, this sort of shook me.
My girlfriend and I moved into an apartment together. This is the first time the anxiety really affected my course in life. My girlfriend found a job as a bank auditor right out of college, but it took me several months to find work. The fear of failure loomed heavily over me, and I struggled to even apply for jobs. I was such a wreck at the time, the thought of someone simply calling me to ask for an interview was frightening. Having a psychology degree, I eventually found work as a one-on-one therapist working with special needs children.
I began my job in October 2008, making about half the money my girlfriend made. There was a lot of pressure from her to find a better job, and although I looked at other options, I never approached it seriously. I felt unqualified and feared rejection. Our relationship became more serious, and we bought a small house together in April 2009. Shortly thereafter, my work hours dropped from full-time to part-time as the state government made budget cuts to support for people with disabilities. I picked up extra shifts whenever they became available, and although I could pay my bills, I had almost no disposable income. My anxiety and stress kept me from finding an alternative, and those few months were probably the most stressful of my entire life. My work hours were horrible: 3-9 pm, plus whatever I picked up on the weekend. My girlfriend was my only close friend, and I found myself grinding my teeth at night and suffering constant headaches.
In December 2009, I discovered my girlfriend had been cheating on me, and I reached an all-time low. I moved my stuff out of the house one day while she was at work, and we broke up over the phone. That was the last time I spoke to her. I took a week off work, and I moved back in with my parents, who only lived a few miles away. I requested a new schedule at work, and things seemed to improve come January. I worked a more normal 8-4 schedule, but only M/W/F. I picked up extra hours when they were available. I know I was depressed after the horrible breakup, so I decided to work until I felt better and confident enough to really move forward with my life.
Feeling much better, I quit my job in August 2010 and began applying for jobs elsewhere. This was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It took me a month just to get one interview, and it was clear after ten minutes that I was not qualified for the job. After that point, callbacks were sporadic and interviews more so. Meanwhile, my parents began a bitter divorce process, and my dad moved out of the house.
I have not even applied to a single job since February 2011. I get by picking up substitute shifts at my old job, but I feel I am completely and utterly paralyzed by anxiety, very specifically related to my career. In general, I am unhappy. I have to drive about 80 miles to visit friends that I can tolerate sober. My mom is a hypochondriac and complainer--just very unpleasant to be around. Even not paying rent, my disposable income is almost nothing. I know I need to remove myself from this situation, but it's certainly not easy.
I have not spoken to my parents, a doctor, or even my close friends about this situation, at least in any depth. I know I have historically had issues with anxiety, but never coupled with depression like this. I know I am quite smart and capable, but for whatever reason that logic can't seem to override the feelings I have. I'm not even really sure what else to say now. I suppose I would just really like some feedback from someone who understands my situation and knows what I'm currently dealing with.
James
In college, I overcame many of the fears I had in high school and made plenty of friends in my dorm. In my junior year of college, however, I picked up a steady girlfriend. We spent an unhealthy amount of time together, and my grades slipped. I eventually graduated with a 2.7 GPA, and having made straight A's in high school and gone to my first pick for college, this sort of shook me.
My girlfriend and I moved into an apartment together. This is the first time the anxiety really affected my course in life. My girlfriend found a job as a bank auditor right out of college, but it took me several months to find work. The fear of failure loomed heavily over me, and I struggled to even apply for jobs. I was such a wreck at the time, the thought of someone simply calling me to ask for an interview was frightening. Having a psychology degree, I eventually found work as a one-on-one therapist working with special needs children.
I began my job in October 2008, making about half the money my girlfriend made. There was a lot of pressure from her to find a better job, and although I looked at other options, I never approached it seriously. I felt unqualified and feared rejection. Our relationship became more serious, and we bought a small house together in April 2009. Shortly thereafter, my work hours dropped from full-time to part-time as the state government made budget cuts to support for people with disabilities. I picked up extra shifts whenever they became available, and although I could pay my bills, I had almost no disposable income. My anxiety and stress kept me from finding an alternative, and those few months were probably the most stressful of my entire life. My work hours were horrible: 3-9 pm, plus whatever I picked up on the weekend. My girlfriend was my only close friend, and I found myself grinding my teeth at night and suffering constant headaches.
In December 2009, I discovered my girlfriend had been cheating on me, and I reached an all-time low. I moved my stuff out of the house one day while she was at work, and we broke up over the phone. That was the last time I spoke to her. I took a week off work, and I moved back in with my parents, who only lived a few miles away. I requested a new schedule at work, and things seemed to improve come January. I worked a more normal 8-4 schedule, but only M/W/F. I picked up extra hours when they were available. I know I was depressed after the horrible breakup, so I decided to work until I felt better and confident enough to really move forward with my life.
Feeling much better, I quit my job in August 2010 and began applying for jobs elsewhere. This was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. It took me a month just to get one interview, and it was clear after ten minutes that I was not qualified for the job. After that point, callbacks were sporadic and interviews more so. Meanwhile, my parents began a bitter divorce process, and my dad moved out of the house.
I have not even applied to a single job since February 2011. I get by picking up substitute shifts at my old job, but I feel I am completely and utterly paralyzed by anxiety, very specifically related to my career. In general, I am unhappy. I have to drive about 80 miles to visit friends that I can tolerate sober. My mom is a hypochondriac and complainer--just very unpleasant to be around. Even not paying rent, my disposable income is almost nothing. I know I need to remove myself from this situation, but it's certainly not easy.
I have not spoken to my parents, a doctor, or even my close friends about this situation, at least in any depth. I know I have historically had issues with anxiety, but never coupled with depression like this. I know I am quite smart and capable, but for whatever reason that logic can't seem to override the feelings I have. I'm not even really sure what else to say now. I suppose I would just really like some feedback from someone who understands my situation and knows what I'm currently dealing with.
James