Hello from Canada

[Steve316_ca]

Hi Everyone, my name is Steve and I thought that joining a forum such as this would be a good way to express any built up anxious feelings. I've had anxiety for about 5 years, but looking back I've always been an anxious person. It wasnt until I had my first panic attack that I officially labelled myself with the "anxiety bug." I find that it comes and goes now, and Ive managed to grind my way through school and get an MBA. It seems like no matter what medication I'm on, or what books I've read, it still hits me really hard some times and becomes almost disabling. It seems as though I become completely stuck in a tornado of thoughts, such as "what if I was still with my ex" or "what if I had have chosen a different career." It's amazing the impact that these thoughts have on me, and the mess it creates on my life. I also think my personality traits play a major part in my anxiety, as I always want something better, and have very high expectations. No matter what girlfriend I have, she eventually becomes not good enough and then I begin to analyze past relationships playing the what if game. Anyways, hopefully someone can relate to my experience and share theirs as well. I look forward to contributing to the message boards and meeting others in similar situations.

[whokilledpanda]

Hey there, I must say that I know exactly how you feel as far as playing the "what if" game. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex of three years before I finally put my foot down and said enough was enough and coincidentally ended up getting with his now ex best friend because of it, (whom treats me like a princess btw). But for the longest time, it completely mind warped me into thinking that it was 'normal' to be treated with such disrespect. I have very low self-esteem now because he used to call me names, (his b*tch). And with me being a Native American woman it didn't help either because he was really physically attracted to African American women and used to tell me how much better I could've always been compared to them as well as finding a lot of porn in his room too. It constantly made me feel like I was never good enough and never would be. He also used to mentally, physically, and emotionally be abusive toward me. He would tell his friends that I was a really big sl*t and tell them all the times we would have sex together (or at least what he considered it to be). He was never considerate of my feelings or anything and I also found out after we broke up that he had cheated on me several times with multiple women. We would get into really bad arguments with us getting into each others faces and the few times that it would get that bad, he would choke me very hard by my throat. I allowed this to go on four more times too many after that which caused me to develop anger and depression issues because I was too scared to talk about it to anyone including my own family. And all the while I was secretly communicating with his at the time best friend (my current boyfriend) whom also coincidentally was going through a very hard time with his now previous marriage. The entire thing came out once I admitted to him that I was leaving him for his best friend and he completely flew off the handle. But to sum all of this up, the overall pain that this man caused me still affects my relationship with my current boyfriend and though at times it does get very frustrating, I really wish I could stop worrying so much about certain things that stem from my past. For example, If my boyfriend and I get into a minor disagreement about something small, I'm used to getting so worked up and almost expecting us to break up or something drastic like that, that I actually take it out on him like he is my ex. It's really hard for both of us when I get like that and I really have been praying a lot about it to find the strength to move on with my life and not let the past affect my current relationship which is nothing but amazing. I really hope that you are able to find the strength that you too need to not worry so much about the things that make you question "what if?" It feels good to know that I'm not the only one. Thank you! :)