I'm new, laugh at my drama with me.

[Baconflake]

Hi, I'm Nikki. I am a 25 year old ball of hatefulness, eyeliner, and spite.

Basic bad childhood, mommy and daddy issues. Serious complications around the age of ten led me to be an alcoholic by the time I was 12. I was a heroin addict at 14, at about 18 I got bored, got a GED and went to college. Now I am sitting about seven classes from a dual Bachelor's in Accounting and Finance, but in a poor financial position to act upon it. Through sheer idiocy and materialism, I bought a house at 20, which I am now short selling for a 65k loss. Once the sale is finalized in a few months I will likely be homeless, but the future isn't written.

About 6 months ago I finally decided to go to a doctor again after years, it was after a full throttle non functioning mental breakdown. It was the worst experience of my life. I found a regular doctor that would refill my benzos, so I go to her now.
I have a bunch of crap, agoraphobia, avoidant personality disorder, GAD, MDD, OCD. I get excited and try to off myself about once a month or so now.

I cut off all contact with my family, and never actually had friends. I got banned from everything that could be connected to me. I have a boyfriend and a roommate, but they may as well not exist.

They threw me on 120 mg of Cymbalta, klonopin thrice a day, and thyroid medicine. The first two months medicine worked...and then it exploded.

I've been on a lot of crap, Lexapro, Luvox, Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, etc. I have beta blockers an Trazodone laying around for anxiety too. Cymbalta has been the only thing to have any effect, been on it twice, fizzled out twice. I can't tell the doctor I am suicidal or anything, nor do I want or can afford therapy.

How do you go about finding a medicine that works without telling the doctor what is really going on? She'd just commit me, which I would escape and disappear. I realize what I need is an extended stay in a psych ward, but any advice would be appreciated.

[Schatmeisje]

Hi Nikki,

The short answer, you wont find a medicine that works without being honest with your doctor. You need to tel the doctor eveything that is happening, so that they can help you to get back on the right track, Dont be embarrassed or worried about what they might think, think of yourself and the fact that you do want to get better and you do want some help.

Just because ou are asking for help doesnt automatically mean you will be committed, but you might just get the help you need.

Also remember that no-one here would ever laugh at what you are going through, we are all here to offer support, and are going through similar things as well

Can I ask why you dont want any therapy?

Hope you are feeling a bit better x

[Baconflake]

I could give a shit about what they think. Do you think my being sad is worse than that dude who shoved x up his anus? Therapy seems a waste of money. CBT, breathing, blah blah. I can read and comprehend all of these things without paying $230 bucks an hour, and when I am really sad, I can post for free. I did therapy for about a month. The second session she asked about CBT, which I practically recited back to her as she would explain it, the same way I knew more about the brain and medicines and the effects of which. Find me someone I can honestly call a professional, because I left feeling like I wasted a lot of money on things I could of told her. Then on the last session she cried, which is just not something I want to deal with. The sad fact of the matter is that she was a formally educated, and from my perspective, not at all a bad therapist. I don't believe there is anything worthwhile in therapy for me.

I am also away from my mother, who I can honestly claim is the biggest factor in all of my mental issues. Instead of getting me a doctor when I was drinking at twelve, she would quietly buy tons of booze and stock the cupboard anytime I drank a bottle. When I dropped out in ninth grade due to anxiety, she bought me some homeschooling program and would give me cash to complete course, or sometimes smokes. She also called the cops on me, but not after going into my bedroom and hiding all of my illegal things. My whole life has been her quietly pulling the strings, blackmailing me, she recently threatened to sue me for everything I had, blah blah.

My house has been sold, just waiting to close. Once it is I am leaving this state and changing my number, and likely my name. I am starting a new life where all of the past is simply that, the past, dead and gone.