JKH2002
07-05-2011, 06:38 PM
Hi, this is the first time I have ever posted my true feelings online, so please bare with me. I am a wife of 9 years, and mom of 3 to a 3yr old. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer 2 years ago and have went through enourmous changes in my family since then. I have went through many things in the last ten years, no drugs or addictions just life events. My husband cheated & we worked through it, i've went through a bankruptcy, i've given up all that I had of me to give more & more to a marriage that my husband loves me but makes excuses for not being able to change to help take the life burdens off my shoulders,,,even just a little. I don't want to divorce..i do love him..he's not mean...but very disconnected. I have a lot of stress from wanting my daughter to grow up with a loving family that I never had, and yet I feel overwhelming anxiety and sadness that she doesn't have any siblings to play with & grow close to like I did (I am #3 of 4 children). I quit my job after my mom died because I realized that I needed to see my daughter grow up & she needed her mom to be with her to raise her, not grandma (my husbands mom). I explained this to my husband & he was all encouraging to it. I explained that I was giving up my job that I had worked for for a long time to get, but I just couldn't focus because of the overwhelming guilt that I had of not being home. I feel that I have never been good enough for him, though he tells me I am I feel his cheating action added to his lack of changing to help me shows that he doesn't want to be with me. I am afraid that this means I just need him soo much from my anxiety problems that I am willing to stay in a bad relationship just to keep our little family together...even though that's exactly the opposite of what I am wanting to show my daughter...to have a loving family not a convenient one. I have faith in God and have seen his healing powers before a lot actually with my mom & family & even myself. But currently I am at my end. I don't know how to please everyone when I physically can't do it. I get overwhelmed with thinking of all scenerios. My husband has to be told exactly what to do, piece by piece, and chances are he will do it wrong anyway then say I didn't hear you or I didn't know ...sorry. But the damage is already done. I can't control what he does at every scenerio but I also realize that if I leave...he's going to be alone with my daughter & I worry for her safety. I have went through therapy...I am currently seeing a psycologist for generalized anxiety disorder. I didn't use to be like this, even a year ago. Until my dad started dating a old family friend (1 year after mom died, and they were married when she died for 35 years,,,I am 29 so my whole life). I was ok with him dating, I want him to be happy & not lonely, but NOT this woman. She brought a lot of crap to our family, and now shes mostly out of the picture, but things spiraled out of control when she came in. To top it off, I am dealing with new fears of a guy who when I was a child he molested me for years. He was my brothers friend & my family didn't know until 6? months ago I told my dad someone did that to me,,didn't say who,,,and I told my older sister who told me she was also molested by one of my dads friends. :( There just seems to be one major issue in my life after another & though I think most would agree that this is a lot of crap to handle, I use to be able to. I feel like I just broke one day. It took over me & I can't shake it. I have lots of depersonalization attacks. I have learned to take big breaths & let the anxiety "burn" off. To be patient and it gets better for the anxiety attack part. The part I am having trouble with is what do I do now. How do I live with all of this. How can I get myself back to being able to do everything,,,,that's my identity & I don't know how to be lazy, disconnected, sad, anxious all the time. I don't even travel beyond 5 miles by myself. I have to rely on people to take me because of my most recent diagnosis of Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia. But I'm not taking the beta-blocker prescribed for this because I am afraid it's going to kill me because of a reaction to a med like it when I was pregnant. Many Dr.'s have assured me it won't but I don't believe them. I really don't believe or trust anyone, anyone. I feel like I need a lot of prayer and I need someone to pray with. If you are willing to be a christian support, please let me know. Thank you !