loome
06-30-2011, 11:40 PM
i dont really know how this...or any forums really work...so sorry if im doing this wrong.
its just that im skimming through these posts and most of them sound like me. similar symptoms at least.
the thing is, i know whats going on with me. i know, technically, whats happening in my brain. ive known ive had anxiety since i was at least 13. ive been to therapy. i studied psych and neuroscience in college.
The depression got worse in my late teens, then even worse in my 20's.
sometimes debilitating, most of the time just...constant but not immediate. just always there. inside and behind everything i do and feel.
im taking the medication (lexipro and wellbutrin). i think ive been happier. i AM happy sometimes. in a kind of shallow, passing way. but i laugh, i have fun, i go out. i love my boyfriend, he loves me. im close with my mother. i have a few good friends, less and less these days, but i still have somewhat of a social life.
i just graduated college. im working a shit job. but i still have a chance, supposedly, to make something great out of my life. and of course im scared out of my mind about the future. nothing too out of the ordinary for someone my age.
this is what i tell myself every night. its all true. but why doesnt it feel true?
you know what i feel, most nights?
i feel icy and cold and numb and scared and alone. i feel partially dead and partially isolated inside some dead cocoon, unable to escape or breathe or move. i feel stupid. i feel weak. i feel like there is a pit inside of me. i feel like im crumbling into myself. i feel like im falling backwards down an endless blackness, down some bleak dark forgotten lifeless abyss.
and its terrifying. because i know i am endlessly alone.
and then...
i feel embarrassed. who thinks like this? a teenage goth? i shouldnt be like this. i feel stupid and crazy. i feel like everyone knows im acting crazy. i feel like maybe once i was likable, but im not anymore. i used to be so charming! pretty and cool and fun. but now i feel like a weirdo. i feel isolated inside myself..i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i feel like those who havent figured out that i am this odd, off, awkward lame numb boring weirdo will find out any minute. i cant hide it. i feel like everyone secretly hates me (and i know that its crazy and paranoid to think that but i do anyway). I feel like everyone pities me. and detests me. at the same time.
i feel sad for the people that love me.
i feel like im doing everything i can to protect them, the people i love, from realizing that i am going nowhere. that im drowning. that i will end in some depressing miserable drunken drug addicted mess of a failure. i cant imagine a bright future for myself. i dont want to move during the day. i dont want to face anything.
i feel like im moving very slowly towards disaster, and every day i get closer and closer.
i feel like soon i will lose the only people that matter to me.
they will die or leave me or i will be forced to leave them.
i dont want to kill myself, and i wont. i wish i did. i wish i could , but i never will, for so many reasons.
so its inescapable. and im left here with myself. sick with myself and the reality that everyone keeps choosing to ignore. that everyone hopes i will recover from.
im so tired of people understanding my problems, trying to help, sympathizing, rooting for me. i keep pretending ill be ok, for them, for myself too, but it never seems to end.
will it ever end? thats all i want to know.
p.s. of course, if you cant answer that one intense question, random advice or thoughts are also welcome.
its just that im skimming through these posts and most of them sound like me. similar symptoms at least.
the thing is, i know whats going on with me. i know, technically, whats happening in my brain. ive known ive had anxiety since i was at least 13. ive been to therapy. i studied psych and neuroscience in college.
The depression got worse in my late teens, then even worse in my 20's.
sometimes debilitating, most of the time just...constant but not immediate. just always there. inside and behind everything i do and feel.
im taking the medication (lexipro and wellbutrin). i think ive been happier. i AM happy sometimes. in a kind of shallow, passing way. but i laugh, i have fun, i go out. i love my boyfriend, he loves me. im close with my mother. i have a few good friends, less and less these days, but i still have somewhat of a social life.
i just graduated college. im working a shit job. but i still have a chance, supposedly, to make something great out of my life. and of course im scared out of my mind about the future. nothing too out of the ordinary for someone my age.
this is what i tell myself every night. its all true. but why doesnt it feel true?
you know what i feel, most nights?
i feel icy and cold and numb and scared and alone. i feel partially dead and partially isolated inside some dead cocoon, unable to escape or breathe or move. i feel stupid. i feel weak. i feel like there is a pit inside of me. i feel like im crumbling into myself. i feel like im falling backwards down an endless blackness, down some bleak dark forgotten lifeless abyss.
and its terrifying. because i know i am endlessly alone.
and then...
i feel embarrassed. who thinks like this? a teenage goth? i shouldnt be like this. i feel stupid and crazy. i feel like everyone knows im acting crazy. i feel like maybe once i was likable, but im not anymore. i used to be so charming! pretty and cool and fun. but now i feel like a weirdo. i feel isolated inside myself..i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i feel like those who havent figured out that i am this odd, off, awkward lame numb boring weirdo will find out any minute. i cant hide it. i feel like everyone secretly hates me (and i know that its crazy and paranoid to think that but i do anyway). I feel like everyone pities me. and detests me. at the same time.
i feel sad for the people that love me.
i feel like im doing everything i can to protect them, the people i love, from realizing that i am going nowhere. that im drowning. that i will end in some depressing miserable drunken drug addicted mess of a failure. i cant imagine a bright future for myself. i dont want to move during the day. i dont want to face anything.
i feel like im moving very slowly towards disaster, and every day i get closer and closer.
i feel like soon i will lose the only people that matter to me.
they will die or leave me or i will be forced to leave them.
i dont want to kill myself, and i wont. i wish i did. i wish i could , but i never will, for so many reasons.
so its inescapable. and im left here with myself. sick with myself and the reality that everyone keeps choosing to ignore. that everyone hopes i will recover from.
im so tired of people understanding my problems, trying to help, sympathizing, rooting for me. i keep pretending ill be ok, for them, for myself too, but it never seems to end.
will it ever end? thats all i want to know.
p.s. of course, if you cant answer that one intense question, random advice or thoughts are also welcome.