will this ever end?

[loome]

i dont really know how this...or any forums really work...so sorry if im doing this wrong.

its just that im skimming through these posts and most of them sound like me. similar symptoms at least.

the thing is, i know whats going on with me. i know, technically, whats happening in my brain. ive known ive had anxiety since i was at least 13. ive been to therapy. i studied psych and neuroscience in college.

The depression got worse in my late teens, then even worse in my 20's.
sometimes debilitating, most of the time just...constant but not immediate. just always there. inside and behind everything i do and feel.

im taking the medication (lexipro and wellbutrin). i think ive been happier. i AM happy sometimes. in a kind of shallow, passing way. but i laugh, i have fun, i go out. i love my boyfriend, he loves me. im close with my mother. i have a few good friends, less and less these days, but i still have somewhat of a social life.

i just graduated college. im working a shit job. but i still have a chance, supposedly, to make something great out of my life. and of course im scared out of my mind about the future. nothing too out of the ordinary for someone my age.

this is what i tell myself every night. its all true. but why doesnt it feel true?
you know what i feel, most nights?
i feel icy and cold and numb and scared and alone. i feel partially dead and partially isolated inside some dead cocoon, unable to escape or breathe or move. i feel stupid. i feel weak. i feel like there is a pit inside of me. i feel like im crumbling into myself. i feel like im falling backwards down an endless blackness, down some bleak dark forgotten lifeless abyss.
and its terrifying. because i know i am endlessly alone.
and then...
i feel embarrassed. who thinks like this? a teenage goth? i shouldnt be like this. i feel stupid and crazy. i feel like everyone knows im acting crazy. i feel like maybe once i was likable, but im not anymore. i used to be so charming! pretty and cool and fun. but now i feel like a weirdo. i feel isolated inside myself..i feel like a stranger in my own skin. i feel like those who havent figured out that i am this odd, off, awkward lame numb boring weirdo will find out any minute. i cant hide it. i feel like everyone secretly hates me (and i know that its crazy and paranoid to think that but i do anyway). I feel like everyone pities me. and detests me. at the same time.

i feel sad for the people that love me.

i feel like im doing everything i can to protect them, the people i love, from realizing that i am going nowhere. that im drowning. that i will end in some depressing miserable drunken drug addicted mess of a failure. i cant imagine a bright future for myself. i dont want to move during the day. i dont want to face anything.
i feel like im moving very slowly towards disaster, and every day i get closer and closer.
i feel like soon i will lose the only people that matter to me.
they will die or leave me or i will be forced to leave them.

i dont want to kill myself, and i wont. i wish i did. i wish i could , but i never will, for so many reasons.

so its inescapable. and im left here with myself. sick with myself and the reality that everyone keeps choosing to ignore. that everyone hopes i will recover from.
im so tired of people understanding my problems, trying to help, sympathizing, rooting for me. i keep pretending ill be ok, for them, for myself too, but it never seems to end.

will it ever end? thats all i want to know.

p.s. of course, if you cant answer that one intense question, random advice or thoughts are also welcome.

[Gladys]

Dear Loome,

So you won't commit suicide. I think one of the reasons for that is you know that everyone feels like they're on the outside looking in at some points in their lives. You know that a lot of your saddness comes from the way your brain works, so you act accordingly and take medication.

You mention the people you love and need. What you don't realise is they love and need you too. They will never push you away. Is your self esteem so low that you would rather distance yourself from them, before they do the same? It seems that this is what you will do.

You write that the people you love may leave you or die. You know that death comes to everyone, but it belongs to tomorrow or the day after, or the day after that, and so it goes on. The fact that you see life as temporary should make you appreciate the people you have now.

Your question 'will it ever end?' is a big question. You are young, but you have a lot of responsibility for the course of your illness. You mentioned times when you have known happiness. Were those times when your focus was not on yourself? Before you get angry, focus elsewhere has often made me feel a lot more positive. If this is the same with you, then it is important to put together some coping strategies that will get you through when the depression and anxiety gets bad.

You also need to ask yourself why you believe life will be so unkind to you, when you seem to have been quite successful in college and work. You are obviously very consciencious and committed to whatever you do. I've not forgotten the anxiety and depression you experience in all of that. Surely your illnesses make you even more of a success story. I can see that you are a strong person inside and will have good things in life. Anything negative will be dealt with by you. Remember too that depression and anxiety are only a part of who you are