My first posting on this forum

[hollera]

I was diagnosed with panic disorder 4 months ago. I never had any real anxiety problems in my life, even though the disorder runs in my family. My grandmother, mother, and sister all have it, but I could never empathize and always thought they were all ridiculous. I started having panic attacks in December shortly after I met my boyfriend. He is my first real relationship and love, and I was constantly paranoid that there was no way it would ever work out. It pretty much consumed my thoughts. One day I woke up with this serious chest pain and it just didn't go away for several days. I brushed it off as being nothing and carried on with my days. I used smoked a lot of weed because it calmed me down, but after the chest pain started, when I smoked I was becoming freakishly aware of my heartbeat and getting palpitations and hyperventilating like crazy. For weeks this continued to happen when I smoked, and I started getting really scared that there was something wrong with my heart. Eventually I went to the emergency room because I thought that I was having a heart attack. I stayed overnight and had a ton of blood work, and an EKG and was told everything was fine. Of course, I was completely unconvinced of this because I believed that the chest pain had to be an indication that my heart was going to fail at any moment. I became so hyper aware of my pulse that I wouldn't leave the house without my iPod, so that I would be able to use the stopwatch on it to check my pulse every couple of minutes. It got to the point where I couldn't be at work because I would get chest pains and be convinced that I was going to die alone in my store and no one would be there to save me. I spent hours on the computer looking up symptoms and diagnosing myself with an infinite number of heart conditions. Once I finally saw my primary care doctor, she diagnosed me with panic disorder and sent me for an echo cardiogram and everything showed that my heart was fine. To that point, my panic attacks consisted of chest pain, hyperventilating, feeling crazy, and me breaking down into this uncontrollable fit of crying for hours convinced that I was going to die at any minute. I was afraid to sleep, afraid to be away from my boyfriend, pretty much afraid to do anything. There were nights when I had my mom sleep in my room with me because I was afraid that I would stop breathing in the night. I was prescribed Zoloft, which has helped to lessen the panic attacks, but as my body was getting used to the pills, my panic attacks changed a bit. I would feel very light headed and my arms felt numb, and my chest would hurt. I have only had three or four like that, and I can say that they were some of the scariest and worst experiences of my life.
I moved in with my boyfriend, and started a new job, and after a while the chest pain started to go away, but every weird twinge or strange feeling in my body would get me thinking that there had to be something wrong with me. Then after I went on birth control I started getting headaches that wouldn't go away for weeks. Or they would come and go throughout the day for two months. I was then convinced that I had a brain tumor, or an AVM, and went into the same pattern of spending hours online looking up symptoms and diagnosing myself with all these deadly things. It literally consumes every part of me when this happens. I do nothing but think about how I will die today or tomorrow and it impairs my ability to function. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went to the emergency room, where the nurse noticed that my pupils were two different sizes which immediately made me think that I was dying. They did a CT scan on my head...which I'm still unsure would actually detect an aneurysm and said that the scan and blood work looked good and sent me home. But him noticing that my pupils were a different size has stuck with me, especially the last few days, and it was that fear that drove me to this forum. I just want to have a place that I can go to and talk about these things with others who might understand what I'm going through. My boyfriend is truly amazing and will lay in bed and hold me for an hour while I sob about how I'm going to die. I honestly would have fallen apart completely if he hadn't stuck by me during all of this. But despite all of his goodness, he can't really understand how I'm feeling in my mind.

I remember a time in my life when I didn't care about anything. I felt happy and carefree, and those days seem so long ago...like they just slipped away somehow without my ever noticing. Now I feel like no matter where I go there is a shadow over my head, and always in the back of my mind is the thought, "Is today the day that I'll have a stroke, or heart attack, etc."

Aside from a very long life with my boyfriend (which I feel like I have to say first to avoid jinxing myself), there's nothing I want more than to get that feeling back. When I felt happy, and didn't spend every second of my life online trying to diagnose myself.

Hopefully, I'll be starting therapy soon, just have to find a way to pay for it.
Well...that was very long winded, and I hope it's not taken the wrong way. I feel a lot better getting that out actually.

[acasey]

welcome to the forum! :) many here can relate to everything you said. i use to have the whole heat issue myself. but these days my anxiety has moved on to bigger better things, lol. ill start by saying that if you have been to the doc and had test done and were told you have panic disorder, you have to accept that. doctors go to school for a very long time, if it were something more they would know the signs to look for and be able to give you a proper diagnosis. so if the doc says its anxiety, ACCEPT IT. about the pupils. when your nurse told you this ,was he checking your pupils with a pen light? I'm a nurse myself. the reason i ask is because to properly determine a persons puil size you must turn out the lights, aim the pin light at one eye going from the iner to outter corner, the pupil should then constrict. then you do the other eye. many things can effect the size of the pupils. the lighting in the room can cause pupil changes. Even if there was a window in the room and the sun was shinning in on one eye. so did the nurse shut the shades and turn off the light? im guessing not. i would chalk it up as the lighting and a bad nurse, and move on :). check out this site called anxietycentre.com. it cost nine dollars. but it's worth it. explains anxiety in full, symptoms and causes for them, and tips how to cope and recover. they even offer therapist you can make apts with over skype or the phone or in person if your in the area. it's helped me alot in the short time since i joined. you will find your happy days again, anxiety is curable. you just have to learn the right skills to overcome it.

[Motherof2]

Hello Hollera! Just like you I am new to this forum. I understand where you are coming from in wanting the happy, and carefree times back again. I too want that not only for me, but for everyone else suffering from this.
It really hurts me to know that my children do not have the mother that they once had. I have a 5 year old boy and 3 year old girl, and I know that they feel it. My daughter will come up to me and caress my face, and look at me sad and ask me what is the matter. Of course this makes my heart break, because they deserve better. My husband has been here for me, but like you and your boyfriend, does not really know what is going on emotionally or mentally. It is hard to explain, and do not feel that he really understands. I hope that you can find peace, and get your life back.