CthulhuFtaghn
06-17-2011, 12:33 PM
Hey everyone!
Quick introduction; I'm a college student here in Quebec City, Canada, with a fairly typical experience with chronic anxiety, hypochondria, and to some extent, minor depression that for me occurs in a cyclical manner. I wanted to write this post for those who experienced similar symptoms, and partly to demonstrate in a narrative, hopefully entertaining manner, the strange ways of the mind. It's also, in a strangely therapeutic way, for myself.
It all started a not-so-joyful week ago while I was dutifully(sort of) typing my bi-weekly review for my low-paid, but most enjoyed student job. All was going well, until I felt a slight pain in my left ring finger. I paused, then looked at it.
It was already too late; I had in that split moment wiped my entire schedule for a week-long appointment with anxiety.
Just kidding. It didn't start last week. It began much, much earlier.
Flash back to 2006; a relative took an emergency appointment on my behalf with a local psychologist; I would have, but I wasn't in a state to pick up the phone. I had been lying down on my bed crying for a few days, and it's safe to say at this point that I was lucky I could tie my own shoes. This was my first serious encounter with anxiety. I had been wondering for about two months on whether or not I loved my girlfriend at the time, and it degenerated into absolute, full-time obsession.
The psychologist explained to me the obsessive process, and told me I most likely had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and prescribed me anxiolytics to treat my cyclical "attacks". Attacks? Sort of. Everyday, I would progress from crappy in the morning, to absolutely abysmal in the evening, before returning to crappy at about 11 pm. And I couldn't help it. Every evening, I had 1/2 of a chance to pop a panic attack.
My first reaction was a solid "wat". I didn't yet understand even a bit of the process.
What had caused all of this? It turns out that I was worrying at the time that I may not love my girlfriend. Simple as that. The simple question turned into an obsession, to the point where it literally consumed my life. I continued therapy, and three months later I was starting to improve. Then it went for good.
Until my next girlfriend, one year after. Same pattern, except I nipped it in the bud, and it didn't last longer than two weeks. I was freed! Or so I thought.
Fast forward to 2010; in the midst of semester exams, as I get off the bus, I hear a clicking in my ear, and some ringing. Normally I'd think nothing of it, but this time somehow, it blew up into an all-out health worry. I started worrying on the spot that I might have damaged my hearing, and by the time I got home, the ringing had progressed to a full-blown firestorm in my auditory system. Added to it was a very sudden ear pain, that proved very sensitive to sound. Within a moment's notice, I couldn't have a proper conversation, or listen to music anymore.
The cycle began anew; I started looking it up online, got freaked out, and every evening my anxiety exploded, before returning to somewhat stable levels. I didn't think I was going to make it. Eventually, I accepted the idea of those symptoms, and you could say that at this point, they began disappearing. I wouldn't have a break for long however.
Because a mere week after I began to chill out, as I was browsing the internets for my daily dose of hilarity, I began to feel a slight chest pressure on my left side. Here we went again. This time I pushed it though, I immediately went to the doctor whom, after an ECG and blood tests, promptly told me there was nothing at all wrong with my heart.
As I walked out of the clinic, I realized that I no longer had chest pains. Gone. Entirely. I rejoiced. And they haven't showed up again to this day.
And back was the ear pain and ringing, just days after. I'd last this one out till May 2011. My trip to this point included a visit to an ear, nose and throat doctor who told me I had nothing she could outwardly see. But that wouldn't do it for me. I took another appointment, this time with the best ENT in the area -- with a 6 months waiting line.
I figured, nearing the end of those six months(in May), that I could do with an audiology exam to save some time when I went to the ENT. So I cashed 55 $ out of my pocket for an appointment with an audiologist, who promptly told me that my hearing was entirely fine, that I had no hyperacusis(Hearing sensitivity), and that I was batshit crazy.
And you know what? It worked. I walked out of the clinic with absolutely 0 % ear pain, while I had to wear ear plugs just to stand the sound of the bus on my way there.
Yeah, at this point the pattern was sort of hard to miss. Are all my previous symptoms gone? Pretty much. I still have ear ringing that reappears under anxiety, but the pain is out.
Back to the finger pain -- I notice a pain in my finger, I look it up online, find out about osteoarthritis, then rheumatoid arthritis. Click, whirr, I'm screwed. Within a day, the pain spread to both hands, to every major joint at the middle and end of my fingers. I freak the hell out, think my life is over, and return to the cycle of crappy day and evening worry.
So on this morning of finger joint pain, I take a moment to sit back, and admire the process of it all. It's not exactly a joy ride, and I'm getting all my usual anxiety symptoms -- habanero-style stomach-kicking nausea, tingling, shaking, so on, so forth, but I've somehow managed to squeeze out this post, though I did have to take a few pauses due to the nausea. Do I enjoy it? Oh heck no. But I can say that I am somewhat awed at, and interested in the function of it all.
My point of view on this differs from my therapist's. She says I don't have to go through it, and that it can be prevented. My attitude is more one of acceptance, and I find that this tends to ease my symptoms significantly.
Whenever I go through one of these cycles, I go through a phase of excessive worry, then acceptance. It's okay for my ear to ring; it's okay my chest hurts; it's okay to have joint pain. Then the symptoms calms down, slowly, but surely. I also use meditation to ease my sleeping troubles during anxious phases.
Through it all, I've managed to learn a few interesting lessons;
-The brain has the capacity to create, and worsen symptoms.
-Anxiety latches on to things. As an example; ANYTHING.
-It has the odd tendency to assume that the very worse option will be the one to happen.
-It is partly genetical. During my woes, I found out that nearly everyone in my family has one anxiety issue or another. My sister eats her fingers like they're coated in honey, my aunt compulsively rips out bits of her hair and we're all having double servings of random chest pains.
But most importantly, I've learned to not delay action. Doctor and psychologist appointment is my regular prescription, the first is for short term reassurance, the second is for long term treatment.
My advice to other hypochondria and anxiety sufferers, is to avoid searching online for symptoms. Why? Because it's the beginning of the worry cycle, and it's the only moment where you can stop it from growing into a huge issue. And if it's too late, meditation and acceptance works wonders. Also, try to regularize your sleeping and eating schedules, and drink LOTS of water. This helps balance out the chemical part to match with your attitude's return to normality.
To conclude, I'd throw out the question about the potential of the mind. If it can create all this, then what else is it capable of? This also serves as a disclaimer; this is my personal experience, and your anxiety might behave differently. Thus, it must be treated as such. Take my words with a grain of salt. If you've read this far though, cheers!
Tl;dr : Your brain is like Professor X with anxiety. You can imagine the results.
Quick introduction; I'm a college student here in Quebec City, Canada, with a fairly typical experience with chronic anxiety, hypochondria, and to some extent, minor depression that for me occurs in a cyclical manner. I wanted to write this post for those who experienced similar symptoms, and partly to demonstrate in a narrative, hopefully entertaining manner, the strange ways of the mind. It's also, in a strangely therapeutic way, for myself.
It all started a not-so-joyful week ago while I was dutifully(sort of) typing my bi-weekly review for my low-paid, but most enjoyed student job. All was going well, until I felt a slight pain in my left ring finger. I paused, then looked at it.
It was already too late; I had in that split moment wiped my entire schedule for a week-long appointment with anxiety.
Just kidding. It didn't start last week. It began much, much earlier.
Flash back to 2006; a relative took an emergency appointment on my behalf with a local psychologist; I would have, but I wasn't in a state to pick up the phone. I had been lying down on my bed crying for a few days, and it's safe to say at this point that I was lucky I could tie my own shoes. This was my first serious encounter with anxiety. I had been wondering for about two months on whether or not I loved my girlfriend at the time, and it degenerated into absolute, full-time obsession.
The psychologist explained to me the obsessive process, and told me I most likely had Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and prescribed me anxiolytics to treat my cyclical "attacks". Attacks? Sort of. Everyday, I would progress from crappy in the morning, to absolutely abysmal in the evening, before returning to crappy at about 11 pm. And I couldn't help it. Every evening, I had 1/2 of a chance to pop a panic attack.
My first reaction was a solid "wat". I didn't yet understand even a bit of the process.
What had caused all of this? It turns out that I was worrying at the time that I may not love my girlfriend. Simple as that. The simple question turned into an obsession, to the point where it literally consumed my life. I continued therapy, and three months later I was starting to improve. Then it went for good.
Until my next girlfriend, one year after. Same pattern, except I nipped it in the bud, and it didn't last longer than two weeks. I was freed! Or so I thought.
Fast forward to 2010; in the midst of semester exams, as I get off the bus, I hear a clicking in my ear, and some ringing. Normally I'd think nothing of it, but this time somehow, it blew up into an all-out health worry. I started worrying on the spot that I might have damaged my hearing, and by the time I got home, the ringing had progressed to a full-blown firestorm in my auditory system. Added to it was a very sudden ear pain, that proved very sensitive to sound. Within a moment's notice, I couldn't have a proper conversation, or listen to music anymore.
The cycle began anew; I started looking it up online, got freaked out, and every evening my anxiety exploded, before returning to somewhat stable levels. I didn't think I was going to make it. Eventually, I accepted the idea of those symptoms, and you could say that at this point, they began disappearing. I wouldn't have a break for long however.
Because a mere week after I began to chill out, as I was browsing the internets for my daily dose of hilarity, I began to feel a slight chest pressure on my left side. Here we went again. This time I pushed it though, I immediately went to the doctor whom, after an ECG and blood tests, promptly told me there was nothing at all wrong with my heart.
As I walked out of the clinic, I realized that I no longer had chest pains. Gone. Entirely. I rejoiced. And they haven't showed up again to this day.
And back was the ear pain and ringing, just days after. I'd last this one out till May 2011. My trip to this point included a visit to an ear, nose and throat doctor who told me I had nothing she could outwardly see. But that wouldn't do it for me. I took another appointment, this time with the best ENT in the area -- with a 6 months waiting line.
I figured, nearing the end of those six months(in May), that I could do with an audiology exam to save some time when I went to the ENT. So I cashed 55 $ out of my pocket for an appointment with an audiologist, who promptly told me that my hearing was entirely fine, that I had no hyperacusis(Hearing sensitivity), and that I was batshit crazy.
And you know what? It worked. I walked out of the clinic with absolutely 0 % ear pain, while I had to wear ear plugs just to stand the sound of the bus on my way there.
Yeah, at this point the pattern was sort of hard to miss. Are all my previous symptoms gone? Pretty much. I still have ear ringing that reappears under anxiety, but the pain is out.
Back to the finger pain -- I notice a pain in my finger, I look it up online, find out about osteoarthritis, then rheumatoid arthritis. Click, whirr, I'm screwed. Within a day, the pain spread to both hands, to every major joint at the middle and end of my fingers. I freak the hell out, think my life is over, and return to the cycle of crappy day and evening worry.
So on this morning of finger joint pain, I take a moment to sit back, and admire the process of it all. It's not exactly a joy ride, and I'm getting all my usual anxiety symptoms -- habanero-style stomach-kicking nausea, tingling, shaking, so on, so forth, but I've somehow managed to squeeze out this post, though I did have to take a few pauses due to the nausea. Do I enjoy it? Oh heck no. But I can say that I am somewhat awed at, and interested in the function of it all.
My point of view on this differs from my therapist's. She says I don't have to go through it, and that it can be prevented. My attitude is more one of acceptance, and I find that this tends to ease my symptoms significantly.
Whenever I go through one of these cycles, I go through a phase of excessive worry, then acceptance. It's okay for my ear to ring; it's okay my chest hurts; it's okay to have joint pain. Then the symptoms calms down, slowly, but surely. I also use meditation to ease my sleeping troubles during anxious phases.
Through it all, I've managed to learn a few interesting lessons;
-The brain has the capacity to create, and worsen symptoms.
-Anxiety latches on to things. As an example; ANYTHING.
-It has the odd tendency to assume that the very worse option will be the one to happen.
-It is partly genetical. During my woes, I found out that nearly everyone in my family has one anxiety issue or another. My sister eats her fingers like they're coated in honey, my aunt compulsively rips out bits of her hair and we're all having double servings of random chest pains.
But most importantly, I've learned to not delay action. Doctor and psychologist appointment is my regular prescription, the first is for short term reassurance, the second is for long term treatment.
My advice to other hypochondria and anxiety sufferers, is to avoid searching online for symptoms. Why? Because it's the beginning of the worry cycle, and it's the only moment where you can stop it from growing into a huge issue. And if it's too late, meditation and acceptance works wonders. Also, try to regularize your sleeping and eating schedules, and drink LOTS of water. This helps balance out the chemical part to match with your attitude's return to normality.
To conclude, I'd throw out the question about the potential of the mind. If it can create all this, then what else is it capable of? This also serves as a disclaimer; this is my personal experience, and your anxiety might behave differently. Thus, it must be treated as such. Take my words with a grain of salt. If you've read this far though, cheers!
Tl;dr : Your brain is like Professor X with anxiety. You can imagine the results.