Seeking advice regarding my partner who suffers from anxiety

[marmite]

Hi there,
I have been seeing my current partner for about 4 months now - we became involved immediately after meeting on a dating website. My issue is that my girlfriend has very high levels of anxiety in almost every situation.

Initially I had thought that her awkwardness was just due to the situation - dating jitters. It was clear that she was rather smitten with me from the get-go and as dating makes me a little nervous too, so I could sympathize and found it endearing.

However it has now become clear that her anxiety and awkwardness extends to many areas of her life. For example she has difficulty ordering food at restaurants, and is afraid to go into the kitchen of my flat without me as she still feels uncomfortable around my flatmates (who are all very friendly and laid back). In some situations, even when we are alone, she gets shaky hands - I have asked her to seek medical advice about this but she maintains that it has been a lifelong condition for her and that it isn't a problem.

Her anxiety also extends into our relationship. When she texts or emails me from work, she becomes upset if I do not respond quickly. If we do not have sex regularly, she expresses deep concern that I am no longer attracted to her and will leave her for a man (I am bisexual). She seems to have a very hard time feeling relaxed or secure around me, walking on eggshells in any situation in which I am not 100% smiles and affection (a demeanor which obviously I cannot maintain 24/7).

I love her dearly, she has a huge heart and is a very generous and loyal partner. But I am at my wit's end. I have spoken to her about the ways in which therapy could be useful to her - in terms of addressing her anxiety and working on her confidence and self-esteem. She is somewhat receptive to this but again, anxiety is preventing her from making an appointment.

I feel as though I cannot continue to be in this relationship if she does not seek help and begin to address these issues. Would it be unfair for me to make an ultimatum? Do you have any suggestions as to how I might help her to deal with her anxiety and become a little more relaxed and self-assured?

Thanks in advance!

[Itz Omi]

Hi there!

First of all, it's great that you are here out of concern for your lady. You sound like a caring guy.

I hope I can be honest. This lady has more than just anxiety - she's got some real issues. Things are "new" between you so, of course, it's easier for you to hang in there. But after a while, her insecurity is going to get really old.

I don't think you can expect her to lose the nervousness, but she really does need help for her other issues and I hope she gets it. You wouldn't be out of line to insist on it because, I can almost assure you, this isn't going to be a happy, healthy relationship for the long term. And, you've only known her 4 months, you two are still putting your best faces forward... What you both find endearing now may get on your nerves a year later.

I'd tell her how much you love her and how much you want to have a successful, healthy, monogamous relationship with her, but that means you two as individuals need to be healthy, and you are willing to go to counseling with her so that you two can make things work. If she refuses, well, things aren't likely to get any better.

[pawsupinthedark]

Although yes it does seem like she needs help, unfortunately no one can make that decision for her. she needs to seek help for this in her own time otherwise she will not be open to it and therefore its useless. My friend tried to push psycologists and drugs onto me once a few years ago and i wasnt at a stage where i was ready to deal with it yet. 3 years later i am now ready- along with my boyfriend who is very supportive and concerned as well and also sadly has to put up with many of the things you mentioned above, i am SO insecure, things like you said- ordering food, new people, unfamiliar places or situations where your unsure of things such as your kitchen etc are all things that are common for those of us who have an AD, there could be a number of reasons but unfortunately the worry and insecurity (i do the same with sex and wondering if my boyfriend has lost interest or what could i possibly have done to be in the bad books) just is something that wont go away until she is ready to deal with it herself. really the choice is yours, yes you can try and push for her to get help, you can help her in the little ways that you can and wait around until she MAY or may NOT decide to seek help and love her anyway.
one word of advice- if you cant handle it. make sure you end it nicely if you care at all (which you seem like you do)
but the last thing she needs is someone making her feel bad about her anxiety, its not her fault and she shouldnt be made to feel that it is.
goodluck :)

[Itz Omi]

Marmite, I guess the question is whether you think you can be in it for the long haul, which may be a rocky ride, but it could be worth it if she's a wonderful person. But insecurity can erode any relationship eventually. If you've never had this sort of problem, it may be difficult for you to understand. As I said before, it will be easier now to deal with it, during the infatuation stage, but as familiarity sets in and you expose more of your true selves you may start to grow weary. But as long as she's willing to help herself, and that's the key thing, you have a chance. If a person isn't ready to help themselves, then I'm not sure they're ready for a healthy relationship. You can still give her some space and not force her to "get over it" or anything, but I say this because you are already getting frustrated and I think you already know how this is going to end if she doesn't do anything about it.

Just make sure you let her know you love her and that you are willing to help her work this out, and you will do whatever it takes to help her help herself.