Misty
06-11-2011, 01:20 PM
I have always had anxiety and when I was stressed from school work I almost ended ruining my relationship and ending it but a few months ago the doubts truly began as to whether I loved my boyfriend or not through a number of different questions such as am I forcing myself to love him? I love him but something inside of me is upset by loving him because not that I don’t love him I still find him just as attractive and as great as always but I worry about not finding him attractive and a million other unrealistic doubts that warp my mind and confuse my heart, mind, and body the thought of not being with him makes me sick but than I worry the thought of being with him makes me sick although there are no facts supporting the fact that being with him makes me sick but there is that I would feel sick and horrible and disgusting if I didn’t I want to stop having obsessive thoughts about this. My mind keeps thinking the only way to erase that is to be friends but every single time I try to be friends I end up crying half hysterical balling my eyes out until I feel sick. The thoughts have been going on for a while and sort of warp the way I see him, my feelings, and everything making me hate myself. Sometimes I get thoughts of like hurting him, or saying mean things to him that I really don’t mean, or thinking that I wouldn’t want to do things with him that I know I do. It has also stopped me from enjoying our time together and from me being able to be the happy person I was before these anxious thoughts do you think this is anxiety or should I break up with him? because every time I hang out with him I'm tempted to say he's just a friend and seeing him as only a friend and forgetting him and the more I say he's just a friend the more upset he gets. I miss the things we used to do before this anxiety and I would like to know if it is anxiety or my brain telling me to leave him I cry a lot more than I ever did before to the point that I hate the idea of crying and he and my family and friends are sick of hearing about it but these thoughts never die. Then when he does nice things I think I don't derserve them and that him and his mom are being too nice to me because I don't like the person I am currently. I need advice someone help me!! It's like I miss everything we were doing before this anxiety happened not that we had like things people my age do like sex but he's the sweetest most caring guy and I love him but now I'm feeling as if I don't and I don't like myself I think I'm scared to death I mean this man means EVERYTHING to me and yet I can't love him or act like I do and it makes me scared so scared because I think he deserves someone who doesn't have these problems he deserves someone who knows she loves him and it makes me cry because even though he's my first boyfriend and I'm only 19 he has done everything for me and yet I see him in a totally warped way and he's getting sick of it I mean it's horrible some days I forget the things we did and he seems like a stranger or a friend and it scares me because what if I'm not in love? I mean I keep thinking I'm not so it must mean I'm not everything we do together makes me cry and I don't want a break from him because at this point taking a break will only make the problem worse I feel like I am a living nightmare the nicer he is to me the worse I feel because I don’t find myself deserving of it. I feel neauscious almost all the time and have a nervous burp as well. I’ve also had thoughts about hurting myself or others even though this isn’t possible since I’m a pacifist and can’t hurt anyone especially myself. I have tried counseling I have tried everything I don’t want to lose him because even though I get thoughts I’m tricking or forcing myself to love him I feel sometimes the same way I did before. I see horrible things in him that I never saw before this anxiety and I find myself wanting to break up with him or something I don’t think taking a break would be a good idea since when I’m away from him the thoughts get worse and I cry regardless. I need someone to tell me I’m not a freak and how to control this once and for all. I mean it feels weird I'm not used to having him touch me and when he does I want to be like your a friend and tell him I don't love him and am feeling myself feeling myself forcing myself to love him or lying to myself out of fears This anxiety has tricked me into thinking I don't love him and only want him as a friend and making me be ok with not being together and I say mean things that a girlfriend just wouldn't say to their boyfriend I feel like all the emotions I had for him are gone please tell me this is the anxiety. Tonight when I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and mom the restaurant looked weird to me and I did not recognize my boyfriend or mom and than my heart started racing and I cried uncontrollably and when I was done I felt more and more and more tears coming down. I worry about everything and anything but worrying about my boyfriend is by far the worst. I find it hard to want to eat, talk to friends, live my ordinary life, care, have fun, sleep and have the great life I used to have I know this can’t all be because of my boyfriend can it? Someone help me! I also get fears of hurting myself or others but it makes no sense since I'm the most peaceful person I know sometimes I feel nothing for anyone