ajtcmt070982
05-25-2011, 10:48 AM
Hi There
I am new to this board and am in need of some help/advice....but first I will share my story.
I was diagnosed with OCD and a panic disorder a few years ago but have suffered with it from very early childhood. I have dealt with compulsive behavior (hand washing, counting, etc....), panic attacks and horrible intrusive thoughts. My intrusive thoughts got very bad after the births of my 2 sons in 2007 and 2009. I was on a couple different medications but was put on Abilify after a little while and I always called it my miracle medicine. It helped me so much!. In the very beginning of 2010, my panic attacks and intrusive thoughts (my compulsive behavior stopped before adolecense) went away. I remember waking up one day and realizing that I hadn't had any bad thoughts or panic moments for a while....and with the help of my psychiatrist, I weaned off of Abilify after making a decision to try to do it on my own. I was completely off of Abilify a couple weeks later and did great!.....until recently :(.
Around the end of March, my husband and I decided to divorce. We had been going through a lot of issues for a while and I finally made the hard decision then. I was still good on everything for a couple weeks, but about a 3 weeks ago, I had a horrible panic attack and they have been a daily (sometimes multiple daily) occurance. The intrusive thoughts are somewhat back, but they aren't as bad as before and I am able to dismiss them without any issues. My panic attacks are worse than they have ever been though. I have been so stressed out....more stressed than I ever have been as well. But I noticed something different about this time. I have a specific fear that I cannot seem to dismiss.
I have a horrible fear of going insane. I have been told on multiple occasions that I am not schizophrenic nor will I ever go insane, but for some reason, it's not registering in my mind. My biggest fear is that I am going to start hallucinating, either auditory or visually, and it is scaring me to the point where I'm almost not able to function. Today has been a really bad day for me. This morning I woke up and had a sense that I woke up to go to the bathroom but can't remember if I did or not, so that threw me into a panic attack....and then I was driving somewhere a couple hours later and I connected my smart phone into the USB port into my car to play music off of. Now usually my phone always acts up in some way or another when connected to the USB. Some songs won't play, some songs will replay when I hit the button to go to the next song, some songs will play under a different name....just little glitches here and there sometimes. Today as it was connected to the USB, I looked under my contacts and names weren't with the right picture, etc.... Well as I switched to another song while driving, the name of the singer and the name of the CD (that information is also shared on downloaded songs) were normal, but the name of the song was not in words....they were in symbols. Can't really explain it any better than that. They were just symbols. If I remember correctly one symbol (there were 4) was a circle with a line through it (or something like that). When I noticed it, I waited for a little while to see if it would go away but it didn't so I hit the "next" button to go to the next song and then hit the back button to go back to the song that was showing the symbols, it was normal again. Now normally with all the glitches that happen when my phone is connected to the USB, I wouldn't think much of it, but this has been thrown in a panic attack that won't let up. I keep thinking "what if I was hallucinating it?", "what if it went back to normal because they were never symbols to begin with and I was just hallucinating?". I am so scared that I was but at the same time, I know I wasn't. My doctors have told me numerous times that I am not schizophrenic nor will I ever become schizophrenic or go insane. They say it is just my panic attacks getting the better of me.....but I just keep thinking "what if?" (which unforunately is my OCD).
I'm just so scared right now because I can't think straight. I keep thinking "what if I did hallucinate, what now??". I keep trying to calm myself down but it's not working. My intrusive thoughts had to do with violent things so I keep worrying that I will eventually go insane and harm my loved ones even though I don't want to....and I keep thinking that if that was a hallucination earlier, I am getting closer to going insane.....and it's just never ending. My brain has been on overload all day today and it won't stop :(. I really REALLY need reasurance that I won't go insane or start hallucinating. I keep telling myself that in 28 years (I'm 28 years old), I haven't started hallucinating yet so I probably won't ever, but I still can't stop being scared about it. Every shadow I see, I question....every noise I hear, I question. I have to find the reason for the shadow's and noises or I go into a panic attack.
If anybody can share any advice with me, it would be really appreciated!! :(.
(PLEASE do not say anything about me needing to go to my doctor or psychiatrist. They are already aware that my symptoms are back and I told them that since I did so well for a year and a half off of my medication, I want to try natural remedies, relaxation techniques and counseling before going back on medication. ALTHOUGH I am getting closer to admitting I need it. But please share advice on my fear and if you can relate and whatnot. Thank you very much in advance!)
I am new to this board and am in need of some help/advice....but first I will share my story.
I was diagnosed with OCD and a panic disorder a few years ago but have suffered with it from very early childhood. I have dealt with compulsive behavior (hand washing, counting, etc....), panic attacks and horrible intrusive thoughts. My intrusive thoughts got very bad after the births of my 2 sons in 2007 and 2009. I was on a couple different medications but was put on Abilify after a little while and I always called it my miracle medicine. It helped me so much!. In the very beginning of 2010, my panic attacks and intrusive thoughts (my compulsive behavior stopped before adolecense) went away. I remember waking up one day and realizing that I hadn't had any bad thoughts or panic moments for a while....and with the help of my psychiatrist, I weaned off of Abilify after making a decision to try to do it on my own. I was completely off of Abilify a couple weeks later and did great!.....until recently :(.
Around the end of March, my husband and I decided to divorce. We had been going through a lot of issues for a while and I finally made the hard decision then. I was still good on everything for a couple weeks, but about a 3 weeks ago, I had a horrible panic attack and they have been a daily (sometimes multiple daily) occurance. The intrusive thoughts are somewhat back, but they aren't as bad as before and I am able to dismiss them without any issues. My panic attacks are worse than they have ever been though. I have been so stressed out....more stressed than I ever have been as well. But I noticed something different about this time. I have a specific fear that I cannot seem to dismiss.
I have a horrible fear of going insane. I have been told on multiple occasions that I am not schizophrenic nor will I ever go insane, but for some reason, it's not registering in my mind. My biggest fear is that I am going to start hallucinating, either auditory or visually, and it is scaring me to the point where I'm almost not able to function. Today has been a really bad day for me. This morning I woke up and had a sense that I woke up to go to the bathroom but can't remember if I did or not, so that threw me into a panic attack....and then I was driving somewhere a couple hours later and I connected my smart phone into the USB port into my car to play music off of. Now usually my phone always acts up in some way or another when connected to the USB. Some songs won't play, some songs will replay when I hit the button to go to the next song, some songs will play under a different name....just little glitches here and there sometimes. Today as it was connected to the USB, I looked under my contacts and names weren't with the right picture, etc.... Well as I switched to another song while driving, the name of the singer and the name of the CD (that information is also shared on downloaded songs) were normal, but the name of the song was not in words....they were in symbols. Can't really explain it any better than that. They were just symbols. If I remember correctly one symbol (there were 4) was a circle with a line through it (or something like that). When I noticed it, I waited for a little while to see if it would go away but it didn't so I hit the "next" button to go to the next song and then hit the back button to go back to the song that was showing the symbols, it was normal again. Now normally with all the glitches that happen when my phone is connected to the USB, I wouldn't think much of it, but this has been thrown in a panic attack that won't let up. I keep thinking "what if I was hallucinating it?", "what if it went back to normal because they were never symbols to begin with and I was just hallucinating?". I am so scared that I was but at the same time, I know I wasn't. My doctors have told me numerous times that I am not schizophrenic nor will I ever become schizophrenic or go insane. They say it is just my panic attacks getting the better of me.....but I just keep thinking "what if?" (which unforunately is my OCD).
I'm just so scared right now because I can't think straight. I keep thinking "what if I did hallucinate, what now??". I keep trying to calm myself down but it's not working. My intrusive thoughts had to do with violent things so I keep worrying that I will eventually go insane and harm my loved ones even though I don't want to....and I keep thinking that if that was a hallucination earlier, I am getting closer to going insane.....and it's just never ending. My brain has been on overload all day today and it won't stop :(. I really REALLY need reasurance that I won't go insane or start hallucinating. I keep telling myself that in 28 years (I'm 28 years old), I haven't started hallucinating yet so I probably won't ever, but I still can't stop being scared about it. Every shadow I see, I question....every noise I hear, I question. I have to find the reason for the shadow's and noises or I go into a panic attack.
If anybody can share any advice with me, it would be really appreciated!! :(.
(PLEASE do not say anything about me needing to go to my doctor or psychiatrist. They are already aware that my symptoms are back and I told them that since I did so well for a year and a half off of my medication, I want to try natural remedies, relaxation techniques and counseling before going back on medication. ALTHOUGH I am getting closer to admitting I need it. But please share advice on my fear and if you can relate and whatnot. Thank you very much in advance!)